TWILIGHT TEXTING MADNESS!
by reganmacneil
Summary: Emmett and the huh disease? Alice is afraid of Pink Elephants? Edward's rediscovered inner goth that he never had? Rosalie imprinted on King Julian?. Confused? Don't worry! New chappy:EMMETT RUN THE PANDAS ARE HERE!oh and no mobiles were harmed. honest.
1. PHONE STEALING RANDOMNESS

From Bella:

It's over.

From Edward:

What!

From Bella:

I don't like you anymore.

From Edward:

Bella, please!

From Bella:

You smell of womens deodorant.

From Edward:

Wait...I do not!

From Bella:

I hate your haircut.

From Edward:

My _HAIRCUT_!

From Bella:

And Jacob is better looking.

From Edward:

Hi Jacob.

From Bella:

Damn! How did you guess?

From Edward:

Because Bella thinks you are a big head that steals peoples mobiles.

From Bella:

Wait a minute, no she doesen't.

From Edward:

She does now..._* chuckles evilly*_

From Bella:

Oh crap!

From Edward:

I would run as far as you possibly can if i were you.

From Bella:

Good idea _*runs for dear life*_

_

* * *

_From Bella:

Edward i broke your piano.

From Edward:

Hi Emmett.

From Bella:

How do you _do _that?

From Edward:

Alice just told me.

From Bella:

ARGH THAT LITTLE PIXIE!

From Rosalie:

WHO SPRAY PAINTED MY CAR WITH BRIGHT YELLOW PAINT!!!!!

From Emmett:

Guilty. I hate your car, always have, always will.

From Rosalie:

EMMETT CULLEN YOU ARE DEAD!

From Bella:

But...if i'm here then who is the one getting me into DDTAMPLCDETIAVSITCDBIWSHA?

From Emmett:

DDTAMPLCDETIAVSITCDBIWSHA?

From Bella:

Deep Deep Trouble And Maybe Possibly Likely Certain Death Even Though Im A Vampire So I Technically Can't Die But It Will Still Hurt Anyway. So who is...me?

From Emmett:

And that will teach you to steal _my _phone again.

From Bella:

You can have your phone back Bella if you call her off!

From Emmett:

Hmmm..._* revels feeling of utmost power*_

From Bella:

PLEEEESE!

From Alice:

Don't do it Bella.

From Emmett:

_* revels feeling of utmost power some more*_

From Bella:

What have i ever done to you Alice?

From Alice:

Well you hit me in the face with a paintball, you ruined my favourite handbag and you annoy me.

From Bella:

Your _still _annoyed about that bag?

From Alice:

DO NOT DISS THE BAG!

From Emmett:

What bag?

From Edward:

It was a bag Alice really liked and Emmett kind of destroyed it.

From Emmett:

State the obvious why don't you. How?

From Bella:

Lets just say oil+pink dye=extremely colourful and slippery interior.

From Emmett:

Ah.

From Rosalie:

WHERE ARE YOU EMMETT!

From Emmett:

look, it wasn't me.

From Alice:

OH BELLA! YOU ARE AN ABSOLOUTE WIMP!

From Emmett:

It was Alice.

From Rosalie:

Right!

From Alice:

WHAT!

From Emmett:

Hehe. Sneaky like._* prepares to gloat mockingly over Alices dead body*_

From Alice:

YOU TRAITOR!

From Emmett:

I know.

From Edward:

Alice, if you take one teeny step towards those hairdyes...

**WHAT DO YOU THINK! I WANTED A RANDOMIZED STORY AND I THINK I GOT ONE. BELLA IS A VAMPIRE BY THE WAY.**


	2. Inner hipinessJASPER SHALL DIE!

From Jasper:

Peace.

From Rosalie:

Err, Jasper, why are you wandering around with fake hair extensions?

From Jasper:

They are not fake!

From Rosalie:

BRB.

From Bella:

Hi. Why is Jasper screaming in pain?

From Alice:

Rosalie is proving something.

From Rosalie:

I knew it! Fake! _* holds lock of fake hair up in triumph and boastiness*_

From Jasper:

You didn't need to forcibly yank it out sis.

From Rosalie:

O.K, call me _sis _again and it won't just be your fake hair i pull off.

From Jasper:

Sounds painful.

From Bella:

Err, Jasper, why are you now yelling something about inner harmony and dancing about in a gay tye-dye?

From Jasper:

I am redescovering my inner hippie.

From Bella:

Uh-oh.

From Rosalie:

Oh god just shoot me now PLEASE!

From Alice:

Wait, you never even _had _an inner hippie.

From Jasper:

How do you know!

From Alice:

I'm your _wife _you idiot!

From Edward:

Do i want to know why Jasper is trying to sell me crystal therapy?

From Rosalie:

I am shooting myself now _* takes gun, sobs hysterically and then gets really annoyed when bullet rebounds off skin*_

From Jasper:

I am redescovering my inner hippie.

From Alice:

But i _told _you, you've never had an inner hippie!

From Jasper:

STOP BEING MEAN TO MY INNER HIPPIE!

From Alice:

That you never had.

From Edward:

You know, i've always wanted to redescover my inner goth.

From Alice:

O.K, i know for certain that _you_ have NEVER had an inner goth.

From Edward:

Ah yes. Good point. In that case i have always wanted to redescover the inner goth i have never had.

From Bella:

Oh, don't you dare...

From Jasper:

I suppose it is possible. Harmony.

From Edward:

I know. Hmm, i wonder...

From Bella:

Now Jasper, don't go putting ideas in his head.

From Edward:

To late _* applies lots of black eyeliner and mooches in the corner being depressed*_

From Bella:

Wait...isn't that emos?

From Edward:

_* comes out of corner and puts on black and purple clothing and makeup*_

From Bella:

JASPER!

From Jasper:

Peace.

From Bella:

YOU PUT IDEAS IN HIS HEAD AND NOW HE IS WANDERING AROUND SINGING ABOUT FLAMING RUINS!

From Rosalie:

Oh god, why oh why are you guys my family?

From Edward:

Cos god hates us all.

From Rosalie:

_* takes missile launcher and shoots self with it*_


	3. GIVE ME MY POKER BACK! itz my baby

From Emmett:

Who was the one that buried Alice in m&m's?

From Bella:

Alice is buried in m&m's? This i have gotta see!

From Emmett:

Come on, own up.

From Rosalie:

WHY DOES NOTHING WORK!

From Bella:

Their smarties Emmett. God, get it right!

From Emmett:

Hey Rosie. Suicide not working?

From Rosalie:

ROSIE! ARGH THAT IS IT! _* beats self repeatedly over head with solid iron poker*_

From Emmett:

Do we even have a poker?

From Bella:

Stop ruining her delusions. Shes happy.

From Rosalie:

Delusions? I really _am _beating myself over the head with a poker.

From Bella:

Solid iron?

From Rosalie:

Well, it's kinda rusty.

From Emmett:

O.K, now i am really confused. Since when have we ever had a solid iron poker?

From Rosalie:

A _rusty _solid iron poker.

From Emmett:

How can it be solid when it's rusty?

From Rosalie:

....

From Emmett:

Alright, you didn't need to demonstrate the fact it's solid. I believe you _* goes to find a very large ice pack and cup of hot coco to sooth nerves*_

From Rosalie:

You can't drink coco and since when have you ever used an ice-pack?

From Emmett:

Leave me alone! I'm feeling sensitive.

From Rosalie:

Oh my god, i have finally gone mad _* throws self off very big cliff*_

From Bella:

Well, that is _kinda _silly. That's gonna get you a little wet.

From Emmett:

I don't think she cares.

From Alice:

WHO STOLE MY POKER!

From Emmett:

_Your _poker!

From Alice:

WHO STOLE MY POKER!

From Emmett:

Rosalie stole it.

From Alice:

WHO STOLE MY POKER!

From Emmett:

I JUST TOLD YOU!

From Alice:

I know, it was just fun to say it unnesesserily again.

From Bella:

Why do you have a poker?

From Alice:

_* rubs hands together gleefully and mysteriously whilst twirling Emmett's cheap plastic moustache*_

From Emmett:

Hey! I was looking for that!

From Alice:

Oh crap! Bella, catch the moustache before Emmett gets it!

From Bella:

Hehe, evilness! _* runs away very fast whilst keeping fake moustache out of reach and avoiding any hippies or goths in the way*_

From Emmett:

NO FAIR!

From Rosalie:

I'm back. I couldn't drown.

From Alice:

Life is so unfair.

From Rosalie:

Exactly. Jacob Black mistook me for Bella.

From Alice:

How is he doing?

From Rosalie:

Well, his left leg is still healing and his nose is a bit tender.

From Bella:

ALICE WHAT ARE YOU DOING! HES ON TO ME!

From Rosalie:

Fake moustache piggy in the middle. Me play!

From Emmett:

NOOOOOO! MY BABY!

From Rosalie:

Me or the moustache?

From Emmett:

The moustache of course.

* * *

From Edward:

To me! Pass it to me!

From Bella:

Sorry, people redescovering their inner goths are not aloud to play.

From Jasper:

Peace and harmony.

From Alice:

You have counted yourself out already.

From Jasper:

NO FAIR! Your just bullying me cos i'm different from all the other vampires and more sensitive.

From Rosalie:

Don't start on that speech again or i will use this rusty solid iron poker on you.

From Alice:

GIVE THAT BACK!

From Rosalie:

This is yours?

From Bella:

We've had this conversation already.

From Rosalie:

....

From Bella:

Are you alright.

From Rosalie:

_* runs away feeling extremely ashamed of her family and locks herself in a public toilet*_

From Bella:

I see.

From Emmett:

Err, could i have my moustache back now?


	4. STOPSTEALINGMYSUICIDE!

From Emmett:

Hey guys! I've had an idea!

From Bella:

Oh good _* runs for cover*_

From Emmett:

WAH! TIS CRUEL!

From Alice:

Get on with it.

From Emmett:

We should all text in code so Edward and Jasper can't join in!

From Alice:

Uh-oh. Do i want to know?

From Emmett:

Hey! I think it's quite clever!

From Bella:

What have you got so far?

From Emmett:

A=B and C=D.

From Alice:

And?

From Emmett:

That's as far as i've got.

From Alice:

URGH! AMATEURS!

From Rosalie:

HEY BELLA! ARE YOU PLAYING OR WHAT!

From Bella:

No. I have a phobia of black moustaches.

From Alice:

Since when have you _ever _had a phobia of black moustaches?

From Bella:

Since i realised how sad i looked running madly after a black plastic moustache.

From Rosalie:

I DO NOT LOOK SAD!

From Alice:

Have you looked in the mirror _once_ since we started the game?

From Rosalie:

Well...

From Alice:

-Win-

From Rosalie:

Whatever, Cullen.

From Alice:

Oh yeah? You wanna bet, Hale?

From Emmett:

YOU TWO MAKE UP NOW!

From Rosalie:

She smells.

From Alice:

She wears green.

From Rosalie:

I wear green?

From Alice:

Green is so 5 minutes ago.

From Rosalie:

How do you _know _that?

From Alice:

Because i'm amazing!

From Rosalie:

And retarded.

From Alice:

I AM NOT AS RETARDED AS WEARERS OF GREEN CLOTHING!

From Rosalie:

-Win-

From Alice:

ARGH! _* shoots self with missile launcher*_

From Rosalie:

HEY! THAT'S MY SUICIDE ATTEMPT!

From Alice:

_* blows self up with nuclear grenade*_

From Rosalie:

Better.

From Edward:

Where's Bella?

From Alice:

In France.

From Rosalie:

In Madagascar.

From Alice:

No! France!

From Rosalie:

Madagascar! It has King Julian!

From Alice:

So?

From Rosalie:

BECAUSE HE'S SEXY!

From Emmett:

What are you talking about? She's hiding behind the pot plant.

From Edward:

Oh, right. Demons and ruins man.

From Bella:

DEMONS AND RUINS! _* throws self off cliff*_

From Rosalie:

STOP STEALING MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS! THEY ARE PERSONAL!

From Emmett:

Why are you all committing suicide?

From Bella:

MY BOYFRIEND IS A GOTH!

From Emmett:

So? My girlfriend beat me to death with a poker.

From Alice:

My boyfriend is a gay hippie but he hasn't caused me to committ suicide yet.

From Rosalie:

Yeah, it won't last.

From Alice:

What are you trying to say Hale?

From Rosalie:

What's with the Hale suddenly?

From Alice:

It's fun.

From Bella:

Oh no, goth alert. If he asks, i'm in Madagascar.

From Rosalie:

HAH! TRIUMPH!

From Alice:

_* runs off and sulks for hours in the corner*_

From Edward:

Where's Bella? She keeps on running away.

From Rosalie:

In Madagascar.

From Emmett:

No, she's hiding behind the pot plant again.

From Rosalie:

EMMETT!

From Emmett:

WHAT DID I DO!

From Alice:

She didn't want us to tell Edward where she was!

From Emmett:

Hey...i thought you were sulking in the corner.

From Alice:

Yeah...that didn't work out.

From Rosalie:

Roughly translated: Jasper was there and she doesen't want to have to committ suicide.

From Alice:

NOT TRUE!

From Rosalie:

So true!

From Jasper:

Peace and love peeps.

From Alice:

Must-stay-calm

From Rosalie:

_* cackles evilly*_

From Jasper:

I have incense if anyone wants any.

From Alice:

OH MY GOD! JASPER I DO NOT WANT ANY OF YOUR INCENSE OR CRYSTAL THERAPY! GO AWAY!

From Jasper:

Calm down and let the wind take you.

From Alice:

_* drowns self in upstairs toilet*_

From Rosalie:

YAH HAH! -Win-

From Bella:

Why the upstairs toilet?

From Alice:

Edward has locked himself in the downstairs one and is now singing about death and destructive unicorns.

From Bella:

_* takes gun, sob uncontrollably and gets really annoyed when bullet rebounds off skin*_

From Rosalie:

WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE STEALING MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS?!?


	5. YORKIES MAKE ME MAAAAD! and skitzo

From Edward:

I have decided!

From Bella:

About what?

From Edward:

...

From Bella:

About WHAT!

From Edward:

...

From Bella:

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen if you don't tell me what you have decided in five seconds...

From Emmett:

OOOO! USE OF FULL NAME!

From Edward:

Oh alright. I was just being dramatic.

From Bella:

More like an idiot.

From Emmett:

OOO! BITCH!

From Bella:

Shut up Emmett.

From Edward:

I have decided...

From Bella:

Get on with it. I haven't got all day.

From Edward:

WHY NOT!

From Bella:

Nail painting in 5 minutes, hair brushing in half an hour, outfit change in an hour and lots of other things in between.

From Edward:

Like what?

From Bella:

Like starting a chocolate fight in 5,4,3,2...

From Edward:

OWW! BELLA, IF YOU EVER THROW A MILKY WAY IN THAT PLACE AGAIN...

From Bella:

Mission accomplished_ * prepares to sit back and enjoy the utter carnage she has created*_

* * *

From Alice:

WAS THAT A YORKIE ROSALIE JUST THREW AT ME!

From Rosalie:

Ye.

From Alice:

_* begins to steam gently*_

From Rosalie:

I don't see _any _steam actually.

From Jasper:

Rosalie, Yorkies make her go into skitzo mode.

From Alice:

BLOOOOOOD! I NEED BLOOOOOOOD AND BARBIE DOLLS! WITH THEIR HEAD RIPPED OFFFF! MUHAHAHAHA!

From Rosalie:

Hmm, doesen't seem that different from normal actually.

From Bella:

Hehe. Victim one down.

From Rosalie:

You _planned _for Alice to go skitzo?

From Bella:

No, but it sounded suitably evil for the occasion.

From Emmett:

Alice just attacked me with a poker! WHAT IS IT ABOUT WOMEN AND POKERS!

From Rosalie:

How many women have you known that attack people with pokers?

From Emmett:

Three.

From Alice:

POKER FACE!

From Emmett:

Yes, well done Alice, you can use a poker as a potentially deadly weapon.

From Alice:

POKER FACE!

From Emmett:

Umm, yeah, could you please stop hitting me now?

From Alice:

POKER FACE!

From Rosalie:

O.K, which women have you ever known to beat people up with pokers?

From Emmett:

Alice.

From Alice:

POKER FACE!

From Rosalie:

Yes, Alice. Somebody mentioned your name.

From Alice:

POKER FACE!

From Rosalie:

You just carry on beating my husband to a pulp there dear.

From Emmett:

Jasper.

From Rosalie:

Isn't he a man?

From Emmett:

Hmm, that's debatable.

From Bella:

He's a women.

From Rosalie:

He's called Jasper for a reason, you know.

From Jasper:

Who wants to buy some pot pourri?

From Bella:

I rest my case.

From Rosalie:

O.K, point taken.

From Emmett:

And you.

From Rosalie:

I was proving a point.

From Emmett:

You still beat me up with a poker.

From Alice:

POKER FACE!

From Emmett:

Is just me or does she say that everytime we say poker or Alice?

From Alice:

POKER FACE!

From Rosalie:

I'm sure it's just you.

From Emmett:

Right.

From Bella:

I'm hiding.

From Edward:

I have officially given up trying to redescover my inner goth!

From Bella:

_* puts on gay purple and green party hat and puts cheesy pop songs on*_

From Edward:

I am now redescovering my inner emo!

From Bella:

_* stabs self violently with party hat*_


	6. Triple way texting makes Alice go YAARGH

From Alice:

_* looks at Rosalie Clint Eastwood style* _Hale.

From Rosalie:

_* looks at Alice Clint Eastwood style* _Cullen.

From Emmett:

What are you guys _talking_ about?

From Rosalie:

_* ignores Emmett* _This town is to small for the both of us.

From Emmett:

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!

From Alice:

_* also ignores Emmett* _I wouldn't bet on it.

From Rosalie:

Oh, it has already been bet.

From Alice:

...

From Rosalie:

It was bet six minutes ago.

From Alice:

...

From Rosalie:

And don't bother with bring it.

From Alice:

...

From Rosalie:

Because it has already been brought.

From Alice:

...

From Rosalie:

It arrived yesterday.

From Alice:

...

From Rosalie:

-Win-

From Alice:

Not fair! Why do you win?

From Rosalie:

Because you kept on typing dots a lot.

From Edward:

Dots! I love dots! And pink clothes! I AM A GAY EMO!

From Alice:

Yeah. What's the difference?

From Edward:

What's got your knickers in a twist?

From Alice:

Who says i'm wearing any?

From Edward:

EWWWWW! ALICE!

From Alice:

Hi Bella.

From Edward:

Hehehe. I'm playing steal sad emos mobile phones.

From Alice:

Ahh.

From Edward:

And Edward just happened to be around at the time.

From Emmett:

But was he?

From Edward:

Umm, yeah.

From Emmett:

But was he really?

From Rosalie:

Emmett, stop being annoying.

From Emmett:

But i'm stirring!

From Edward:

Since when did you cook?

From Rosalie:

He's a gay emo, that's why he's saying wierd things.

From Edward:

NOOOO! NOT ANOTHER GAY EMO!

From Emmett:

I AM NOT A GAY EMO!

From Rosalie:

Only gay emos say that.

From Emmett:

Hehehe. Hi Rosalie.

From Rosalie:

Wow. That was fast.

From Emmett:

Practice makes perfect.

From Alice:

You've only ever stolen one gay emos phone.

From Edward:

Hehehe. I know.

From Alice:

That was confusing.

From Emmett:

I know it was.

From Alice:

STOP SWITCHING PHONES!

From Bella:

What? Like this.

From Alice:

ARGH! ITS TO MUCH!

From Edward:

Is me...

From Emmett:

Switching phones...

From Bella:

Annoying you?

From Alice:

YAAARGH! _* head explodes into very tiny pieces*_

From Rosalie:

Yaaargh? Where do you get this crap?

From Alice:

Are you dissing my husbands text talk?

From Rosalie:

He has never said yaaargh before.

From Bella:

Yes he has.

From Alice:

Are you going to stay as Bella?

From Edward:

Now, why would i do that?

From Alice:

YAAARGH! _* impales self on unicorn horn*_

From Bella:

Where the hell would you get a unicorn horn from?

From Rosalie:

Their not real.

From Alice:

I wasn't trying to be realistic.

From Jasper:

I have realised something.

From Emmett:

What...

From Edward:

?

From Alice:

YAAARGH! _* drowns self in upstairs toilet*_

From Rosalie:

Hey! No cheating! I know for a fact you have already killed yourself once doing that.

From Alice:

_* drowns self in downstairs toilet*_

From Rosalie:

No, it's to late. -Win-

From Alice:

NOOOO!

From Jasper:

So, anyway. I have realised i would be amazing as a film producer!

From Emmett:

Rea...

From Bella:

lly?

From Alice:

YAAARGH! _* gives self the black death and crawls away to die*_


	7. Gay film producers JASPERS TEARS HAHA!

From Jasper:

O.K peeps! Listen up!

From Alice:

I wasn't under the impression that film producers were gay.

From Jasper:

Were _not_!

From Alice:

Ye, you are.

From Jasper:

No, were not!

From Rosalie:

I'm a film producer. I'm gay.

From Jasper:

STOP MOCKING ME!

From Bella:

I'm a film producer. I'm a transvestite.

From Jasper:

STOP! STOP OR I SHOOT!

From Bella:

Stop being gay, Jasper.

From Jasper:

NOOOOO! _* runs off sobbing*_

From Alice:

Only gay film producers sob.

From Jasper:

MY OWN WIFE HAS BETRAYED ME!

From Alice:

Because your gay.

From Rosalie:

No, he's not.

From Bella:

Whos side are you on?

From Rosalie:

I'm disagreeing with everybody.

From Alice:

Why are you disagreeing with everybody?

From Rosalie:

It's a phase we all go through.

From Bella:

_I _haven't.

From Rosalie:

Yes, you have.

From Bella:

No, i haven't.

From Rosalie:

Yes, you have.

From Alice:

I really do hope this is just a phase.

From Rosalie:

No, you don't.

From Bella:

Shall we ignore her?

From Alice:

Yeah.

From Jasper:

Are you gonna be nice now?

From Bella:

Where's the fun in being nice?

From Jasper:

Because it makes you feel good about yourself!

From Alice:

I thought you were over the gay hippie phase.

From Jasper:

I am!

From Rosalie:

No, your not.

From Jasper:

What?

From Rosalie:

I'm disagreeing with everybody at the moment.

From Alice:

It's a phase.

From Bella:

Everybody goes through it.

From Jasper:

_I _haven't.

From Rosalie:

Yes, you have.

From Jasper:

I really hope this is just a phase.

From Alice:

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! I SAID THAT! GAY FILM PRODUCERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COPY WHAT I SAY!

From Jasper:

Since when!

From Alice:

Since i made the list.

From Jasper:

What list?

From Alice:

The ' Things a Gay Film Producer is Not Allowed to Do' list.

From Rosalie:

There's no such thing!

From Alice:

There is to!

From Rosalie:

Since when has there ever been a ' Things a Gay Film Producer is Not Allowed to Do' list?

From Alice:

Since i made it two minutes ago.

From Jasper:

Is this going to take long? I've got important things to do.

From Bella:

Like be gay?

From Jasper:

STOP MOCKING ME!

From Bella:

You were right Alice. This _is _fun.

* * *

From Jasper:

O.K. Give me the list.

From Alice:

Nu-uh. You must first make a vow to follow everything on the list.

From Rosalie:

No, you don't.

From Alice:

BRB.

From Bella:

Rosalie is not going to be happy when she finally breaks out of all that chewing gum.

From Alice:

There we go. Silence at last.

From Jasper:

What is this vow thing your talking about?

From Alice:

I solemnly swear.

From Jasper:

I solemnly swear.

From Alice:

To follow the list.

From Jasper:

To follow the list.

From Alice:

Always the list.

From Bella:

This sounds extremely like a court vow to me.

From Alice:

And to make Bella shut up.

From Jasper:

Wait, what was that last part?

From Alice:

DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!

From Jasper:

I wasn't!

From Alice:

YOUR INTERRUPTING AGAIN!

From Jasper:

Alright! I'm sorry! And to make Bella shut up.

From Alice:

Well get to it then.

From Jasper:

What?

From Alice:

Shut Bella up!

From Bella:

Hehehe. Bye.

From Alice:

SHE GOT AWAY! YOU ARE A USELESS GAY FILM PRODUCER!

From Jasper:

Can you please just give me the list?

From Alice:

O.K. Here it is.

From Rosalie:

ALICE CULLEN!!!!!

From Alice:

On second thoughts, laters!

From Jasper:

DON'T LEAVE ME!

From Rosalie:

ALICE CULLEN! ALICE CULLEN!

From Jasper:

Oh ****


	8. DO NOT DISS ALICES LIST!

From Jasper:

I have brought you here today to look at a list.

From Edward:

What list? I don't see any list.

From Jasper:

This list right here!

From Rosalie:

No, you mean _this _list right here.

From Jasper:

GIVE THAT BACK!

From Rosalie:

Sorry, i don't do favours for gay film producers.

From Jasper:

I AM NOT A GAY FILM PRODUCER!

From Rosalie:

Sorry. Really gay film producers.

From Jasper:

I AM NOT A GAY FILM PRODUCER! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!?

From Edward:

If your not a gay film producer then why is this list titled ' Things Gay Film Producers Can't Do'?

From Jasper:

That list is wrong then!

From Alice:

DID YOU JUST DISS THE LIST?!?

From Jasper:

Oh, hi Alice.

From Alice:

JASPER HALE! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT JUST DISS MY LIST?!?

From Jasper:

No.

From Alice:

YOU DISSED MY LIST, DIDN'T YOU?!?

From Jasper:

No.

From Alice:

YOU TOOK MY LIST AND DISSED IT, DIDN'T YOU?!?

From Jasper:

No.

From Alice:

YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?!?

From Jasper:

No.

From Alice:

YOU DISSED MY LIST.

From Jasper:

Yes.

From Edward:

Your in trouble now.

From Alice:

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!

From Rosalie:

Now, calm down Alice. No, what am i saying? Kill him.

From Jasper:

I'm sorry Alice!

From Alice:

I TOOK ALL THAT TIME TO MAKE YOU A PROPER LIST FOR GAY FILM PRODUCERS AND YOU DISS IT!

From Jasper:

Yes dear.

From Alice:

DON'T YOU YES DEAR ME!

From Jasper:

Yes dear.

From Alice:

YOU SAID IT AGAIN!

From Jasper:

Sorry dear.

From Alice:

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO GET A PROPER LIST FOR A GAY FILM PRODUCER THESE DAYS?

From Jasper:

No dear.

From Alice:

WELL YOU SHOULD!

From Jasper:

O.K dear. I'll get on it right away dear.

From Rosalie:

O.K, let me get a few things straight before i explode.

From Alice:

Alright.

From Rosalie:

You said that it took you all that time to make the list, yes?

From Edward:

I believe she did.

From Rosalie:

This conversation is not open to sad emos with no life. So shut up Edward.

From Edward:

I knew it! You all hate me! _* go's away and tries extremely hard to slit wrists and sinks even deeper into pit of despair when knife shatters*_

From Rosalie:

Do i care?

From Edward:

You should!

From Rosalie:

Well, in that case, i am so caring, see my caringness.

From Edward:

_* sinks into pit of despair some more*_

From Rosalie:

So, anyway, answer my question Alice.

From Alice:

Yes, i did.

From Rosalie:

But in point of fact, it actually took you two minutes.

From Alice:

ARE YOU DISSING MY LIST?!?

From Rosalie:

Well, O.K. Two minutes forty seven seconds.

From Alice:

DO NOT DISS MY LIST!

From Rosalie:

I was just saying.

From Alice:

WELL DON'T!

From Jasper:

I'm reading the list now. Number one: The gay film producer in question must not deny he is a gay film producer.

From Edward:

Well, that seems fair enough.

From Rosalie:

What did i say about sad emos with no life?

From Edward:

_* withdraws into emo corner like a good little emo*_

From Jasper:

But i'm not gay!

From Alice:

ARE YOU DISSING MY LIST AGAIN?!?

From Jasper:

Sorry dear.

From Alice:

You had better be.

From Jasper:

But i'm still not gay.

From Alice:

YOUR DISSING AGAIN!

From Jasper:

Sorry dear.

From Edward:

I feel this is going to take a long time.


	9. Rosalie has a problem TEXT LIKE THIS!

From Rosalie:

Guys, i have a problem.

From Bella:

Geez, i know you can't drown yourself.

From Alice:

Shut up about it already. Me and Bella are doing something.

From Rosalie:

But i need help!

From Alice:

We'll hold your head under the pond in a minute.

From Rosalie:

But i don't want to drown! It's not about drowning.

From Bella:

Rosalie, i don't think Esme would appreciate grenades being detonated in the house.

From Rosalie:

I don't want to blow myself up!

From Alice:

I don't think Carlisle has a baseball bat. Sorry.

From Rosalie:

WILL YOU LISTEN! THIS IS IMPORTANT!

From Bella:

I don't think Carlisle has any plague causers either.

From Rosalie:

I DON'T WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE AT THE MOMENT! I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM!

From Alice:

Whatever. I have the biggest problem here.

From Bella:

No you don't!

From Alice:

I DO TO! MY HUSBAND DISSED MY LIST!

From Bella:

MY HUSBAND IS A SAD EMO!

From Alice:

HE DIDN'T DISS YOUR LIST!

From Bella:

HE KEEPS ON TELLING ME EVERYBODY HATES HIM!

From Rosalie:

THOSE AREN'T PROBLEMS! I HAVE THE BIGGEST PROBLEM EVER!

From Bella:

REALLY?

From Alice:

WHAT IS IT?

From Bella:

WHY ARE WE ALL TEXTING IN CAPITALS?

From Alice:

I DON'T KNOW.

From Bella:

SHALL WE STOP NOW?

From Alice:

NO, IT'S FUN.

From Bella:

FAIR ENOUGH.

From Emmett:

Hi.

From Rosalie:

OH NO.

From Bella:

YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO TEXT IN CAPITALS ROSALIE!

From Rosalie:

WHY NOT!

From Alice:

BECAUSE YOUR NOT IN ME AND BELLAS CLUB!

From Bella:

WHAT CLUB?

From Alice:

THE BELLA AND ALICE TEXTING IN CAPITALS CLUB.

From Bella:

OH THAT CLUB.

From Rosalie:

WHICH IS NOW CALLED THE BELLA ALICE AND ROSALIE TEXTING IN CAPITALS CLUB.

From Alice:

YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO TEXT IN CAPITALS HALE.

From Rosalie:

ITS CALLED THE BELLA ALICE AND ROSALIE TEXTING IN CAPITALS CLUB FOR A REASON.

From Alice:

YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE ALICE AND BELLA TEXTING IN CAPITALS CLUB!

From Bella:

WHY HAS IT SUDDENLY CHANGED TO ALICE AND BELLA INSTEAD OF BELLA AND ALICE!?!

From Alice:

BECAUSE IM SMARTER AND GENERALLY MORE AMAZING.

From Bella:

AND YOU FAIL AT LIFE.

From Rosalie:

I HAVE A BIG PROBLEM STILL YOU KNOW!

From Alice:

STOP TEXTING IN CAPITALS OR I WILL NOT LET YOU BORROW MY SOLID IRON POKER EVER AGAIN!

From Rosalie:

NOOOO! THE POKER!!!

From Alice:

-WIN-

From Emmett:

WHAT ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT?

From Rosalie:

If im not allowed to text in capitals your not.

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

Burma?

From Emmett:

I panicked.

From Bella:

WHY?

From Rosalie:

He's been watching Monty Python.

From Alice:

I HATE MONTY PYTHON.

From Rosalie:

So anyway, back to the problem.

From Bella:

WHAT PROBLEM?

From Rosalie:

My problem!

From Bella:

OH, THAT PROBLEM.

From Rosalie:

You don't remember do you?

From Bella:

ERR, NO.

From Rosalie:

I've imprinted.

From Emmett:

France!

From Rosalie:

Why did you do _that_?

From Emmett:

I panicked again.

From Alice:

YOU CAN'T IMPRINT. REASON BEING, YOUR NOT A WEREWOLF.

From Rosalie:

But i have imprinted!

From Bella:

WITH WHO?

From Rosalie:

King Julian.

From Emmett:

Spain!

From Rosalie:

Will you stop doing that?

From Emmett:

Sorry.

From Alice:

SO YOU'VE IMPRINTED WITH A CARTOON CHARACTER.

From Rosalie:

Err, yeah.

From Alice:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

I thought you hated Monty Python.

From Bella:

SO YOU REALLY HAVE IMPRINTED WITH A CARTOON CHARACTER.

From Rosalie:

Ye.

From Bella:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

Really?

From Bella:

NO.


	10. Monty Python MUST HAVE CAPITALS!

From Emmett:

Don't tell anyone, but i have stolen Alices gucci dress.

From Bella:

Stolen it you say?

From Emmett:

I thought you were texting in capitals?

From Bella:

I got bored of it.

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Bella:

That does not mean you can start texting in capitals!

From Rosalie:

Yeah Emmett!

From Bella:

This is personal Rosalie. Stay out of it!

From Rosalie:

HE'S MY HUSBAND!

From Bella:

What did i just say about texting in capitals!?!

From Rosalie:

Errr, dunno.

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

Are you _still _using that crap as an excuse for your sad obsession with monty python.

From Emmett:

Monty Python with capitals!

From Rosalie:

I know, i just thought he wasn't important enough for the AHRCYN.

From Emmett:

What is the AHRCYN?

From Rosalie:

The Amazing Honour of Rosalie Capitalizing Your Name.

From Bella:

I find when somebpdy capitalizes my name their really annoyed with me.

From Emmett:

BELLA!

From Bella:

Not funny, Emmett. Just faintly gay.

From Rosalie:

Why the hell do you like monty python?

From Emmett:

Monty Python with capital letters!

From Rosalie:

What a load of PAPASPWDOT.

From Emmett:

What the _hell _is PAPASPWDOT?

From Rosalie:

Poo And Pee And Smoldering Pants With Dogs On Them.

From Bella:

Why dogs? Why not PAPASPWPSTOT?

From Rosalie:

PAPASPWPSTOT?

From Bella:

Poo And Pee And Smoldering Pants With Purple Spotted Tigers On Them.

From Rosalie:

P-p-purple s-s-spotted t-t-tigers?

From Bella:

Ye. Purple spotted tigers.

From Rosalie:

You mean tigers. With p-p-purple s-s-spots?

From Bella:

Ye. Tigers with purple spots.

From Rosalie:

BURMA!

From Bella:

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TEXTING IN CAPITALS?!?

From Emmett:

Now your doing it.

From Bella:

SUEOIWDYIAH.

From Emmett:

Pardon?

From Bella:

Shut Up Emmett Or I Will Drown You In Athenian Honey.

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Bella:

What's so panicky about shut you up and Athenian Honey?

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Bella:

Athenian Honey.

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

Bella, can you please not? He sounds gay when he does that.

From Bella:

Purple Spotted Tigers.

From Rosalie:

BURMA!

From Bella:

Hehehe _* feels strong urge to put on Rosalies dressup villainous cloak and twirl Emmett's cheap plastic moustache in an evil way*_

From Emmett:

DON'T TOUCH THE MOUSTACHE!

From Bella:

ATHENIAN HONEY!

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

DO NOT TOUCH MY CLOAK!

From Bella:

PURPLE SPOTTED TIGERS!

From Rosalie:

BURMA!

From Emmett:

HA! I HAVE MY MOUSATACHE!

From Bella:

OH MY GIDDY GOD!

From Emmett:

REALLY?

From Bella:

COULDN'T CARE LESS ACTUALLY.

From Rosalie:

WHY ARE WE TEXTING IN CAPITALS AGAIN?

From Bella:

I DON'T KNOW.

From Rosalie:

I'M GOING TO STOP NOW.

From Bella:

ME TOO.

From Emmett:

I've got to go. Alice is hunting me.

From Bella:

Your really only going to feed your SOWmp(NCI).

From Emmett:

STOP TEXTING IN CODE!

From Bella:

NIAMY.

From Emmett:

STOP IT!

From Rosalie:

Bella, seriously. It's annoying.

From Bella:

PST.

From Emmett:

MY HEADS GOING TO EXPLODE!

From Bella:

AH.

From Rosalie:

Bella, i don't think Esme with like bits of Emmett's head on the carpet.

From Bella:

PST.

From Rosalie:

What the hell does that _mean_?

From Bella:

Purple Spotted Tigers.

From Rosalie:

BURMA!

From Emmett:

I really have to go hide now.

From Bella:

A.K.A go and succumb to your SOWmp(NCI).

From Emmett:

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?

From Bella:

Sad Obsession With monty python ( No Capitals Included).

From Emmett:

GRR! HE RATES THE CAPITAL LETTERS!

From Bella:

AH.

From Emmett:

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING!!!!!

From Bella:

Athenian Honey.

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

SALYHIWJC.

From Emmett:

STOP IT! PLEEEESE STOP IT!

From Bella:

What is SALYHIWJC?

From Rosalie:

Stop Acting Like You Have Imprinted With John Cleese.

From Bella:

How did you know?????

From Rosalie:

_* sobs with despair and hopelessness for her sisters pride*_


	11. VAMPIREBOYSHAVEREALGAYCLUBS! NO REALLY

From Edward:

Hey! Bella!

From Bella:

Leave me alone! I'm on holiday!

From Edward:

So am i. We all are.

From Bella:

Gay emos don't count.

From Edward:

Will you quit with the gay emo thing already?

From Bella:

What do you think?

From Edward:

That you will stop out of your deep love for me.

From Bella:

You speak some crap sometimes Edward.

From Edward:

But you are. Aren't you?

From Bella:

No.

From Edward:

Whatever. Emmett, Jasper and me are forming a club.

From Alice:

I know. It's sad and gay and pointless.

From Bella:

That bad?

From Alice:

It's called Edward Jasper and Emmett's Survival Group Against Girl Vampires Who Call Them Gay.

From Bella:

Oh my god.

From Edward:

It's not that bad!

From Bella:

It's gay.

From Alice:

And sad.

From Bella:

Oh crap we have no-one to say pointless.

From Alice:

Quick! Call Rosalie!

From Bella:

If you'll hold on for a second Edward.

From Rosalie:

What do you want?

From Alice:

Help us torture Edward's sad and gay and pointless club.

From Rosalie:

Oh no! Not that stupid club that Jasper and Emmett are in as well?

From Alice:

Ye. That one.

From Rosalie:

It's gay.

From Bella:

THAT'S MY LINE!!!

From Rosalie:

And sad.

From Alice:

YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THE WRONG LINE OF TORTURE!

From Rosalie:

And pointless.

From Edward:

It's better than a texting in capitals club.

From Alice:

ARE YOU DISSING MY CLUB!?!

From Jasper:

I DIDN'T DO IT!

From Alice:

I wasn't talking to you. Go and be a gay film producer like a good boy.

From Jasper:

You fail.

From Alice:

Is that the best you can do? Hale?

From Jasper:

As a person.

From Alice:

So do you.

From Edward:

No, he doesen't.

From Rosalie:

HEY! THAT'S MY PHASE!

From Edward:

What phase?

From Rosalie:

My disagreeing with everybody phase.

From Emmett:

Guess what?

From Rosalie:

You finally gave up being obsessed with monty python.

From Emmett:

WITH CAPITAL LETTERS!

From Rosalie:

Whatever.

From Emmett:

I came up with an evil plot to get back at you evil girls.

From Alice:

It's probably sad.

From Bella:

And gay.

From Edward:

Team talk!

From Jasper:

We'll show you bullying vampires!

From Alice:

Stop being a sad hippie Jasper.

From Jasper:

SHE'S BEING CRUEL AGAIN!

From Emmett:

Don't worry. I have a plan.

From Bella:

ROSALIE! YOU MISSED YOUR CUE!

From Rosalie:

Oh, sorry. It's gay.

From Bella:

THAT'S NOT YOUR LINE!

From Rosalie:

And pointless.

From Alice:

Don't worry about the plan. It really is sad.

From Bella:

Really that bad?

From Alice:

They plan to take us to Splashdown and try to make us embarrassed.

From Bella:

That really is gay.

From Rosalie:

And sad.

From Alice:

YOU SAY POINTLESS! GET IT RIGHT!

From Rosalie:

Sorry.

From Bella:

Hmm, i have an idea.

From Alice:

Is it evil?

From Bella:

Yep.

From Rosalie:

And pointless?

From Bella:

Say your line at the required time!

From Rosalie:

Sorry.

From Bella:

From now on we are...

From Rosalie:

What?

From Bella:

Umm, that was kind of a cue for you to make a name up.

From Alice:

We are now the Beat Our Husbands Sad Gay and Pointless Club at Absoloutely Everything Club.

From Bella:

Can't we just be the Club For Beating Jasper Emmett and Edward?

From Alice:

It's not creative enough.

From Rosalie:

What about the Girls Rock Club?

From Alice:

WE ARE CALLED THE BEAT OUR HUSBANDS SAD GAY AND POINTLESS CLUB AT ABSOLOUTELY EVERYTHING CLUB O.K!

From Rosalie:

O.k

From Alice:

You got a problem with the club's name?

From Bella:

No.

From Rosalie:

No.

From Alice:

Good. What's your evil plan Bella?

From Bella:

Hehehe. I'll tell you when we get to the lounge.

* * *

From Alice:

That's your _plan_?

From Bella:

Ye.

From Rosalie:

I- absoloutely love it!

From Alice:

IT'S SO EVIL! MUHAHA!

From Rosalie:

MUHAHAHAHAHA!

From Alice:

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

From Bella:

O.K, this isn't a competition for who can text the longest evil laugh.

From Alice:

It was fun.

From Rosalie:

But seriously! I am already visualising it.

From Bella:

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!

From Rosalie:

OH NO! EDWARD!

From Alice:

OH NO! NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT IT! ROSALIE!

From Bella:

Think of Pink Elephants!

From Alice:

_PINK ELEPHANTS_?!?

From Bella:

Ye, Pink Elephants! Pink Elephants, Pink Elephants!

From Rosalie:

It actually works!

From Alice:

No it doesen't! Now i'm gonna have nightmares about Pink Elephants again!

From Rosalie:

You've _had _nightmares about Pink Elephants _before_?

From Alice:

IT'S NO LAUGHING MATTER! PINK ELEPHANTS ARE EVIL CREATURES! EVIL!

From Bella:

Oh, sure.

From Rosalie:

Deadly.


	12. Do not mention the pink elephants!

From Edward:

Emmett, your wife seems to be thinking about pink elephants.

From Emmett:

Damn. I knew i should never had given her that bright green dress.

From Edward:

Your point being?

From Emmett:

She's gone crazy with absoloute hate for my fashion sense.

From Edward:

And Jasper?

From Jasper:

What?

From Edward:

Did you know Alice is mortally afraid of pink elephants?

From Jasper:

She's _what_?

From Edward:

Mortally afraid of pink elephants.

From Jasper:

Your joking, right?

From Edward:

Dunno. Go ask her.

From Jasper:

Alice?

From Alice:

I'm not talking to you.

From Jasper:

WHY?!?

From Alice:

Because of your gay club.

From Emmett:

It's not gay!

From Alice:

Yeah, it is.

From Bella:

It's gay.

From Alice:

And sad.

From Rosalie:

Oh, crap, what do i say?

From Alice:

That it's pointless.

From Rosalie:

Oh yeah. And pointless.

From Jasper:

THEIR BULLYING US AGAIN!!!

From Emmett:

YOUR CRUEL LADIES!

From Edward:

CRUEL AND MEAN!

From Bella:

Aren't they like, the same thing?

From Edward:

THEIR BEING MEAN AGAIN!

From Bella:

Whatever.

From Rosalie:

We know your plan.

From Alice:

Which is sad.

From Emmett:

So are you.

From Alice:

Is that the best you can do?

From Rosalie:

Eat pink elephants Emmett.

From Alice:

DO-NOT-MENTION-THE-ELEPHANTS!!!

From Bella:

What, the deadly pink creatures with trunks?

From Alice:

I-JUST-TOLD-YOU-TO-NOT-MENTION-THEM!!!

From Rosalie:

Who's them?

From Emmett:

I think she means pink elephants.

From Rosalie:

HEY! YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE OFF EATING PINK ELEPHANTS!

From Alice:

STOP IIIIIIT!

From Jasper:

So do you have a mortal fear of pink elephants then?

From Alice:

WHAT DO YOU THINK, SMARTY PANTS?!?

From Jasper:

That would be a yes then.

From Bella:

Well done Jasper. Well done.

From Edward:

Did you know, pink elephants are funny creatures.

From Alice:

_* Sobs uncontrollably*_

From Emmett:

Like pink elephants do sometimes.

From Rosalie:

GO AND EAT YOUR PINK ELEPHANTS ALREADY!

From Emmett:

Don't _wanna_.

From Bella:

Emmett, go and do as your wife says already.

From Emmett:

But i don't _wanna_.

From Rosalie:

Go and do as i say or i will take away your games console for a month.

From Emmett:

O.K dear. Going dear.

From Edward:

Alice?

From Alice:

What?

From Edward:

Pink elephants rule.

From Alice:

THEY DON'T! THEY EAT FASHIONABLE CLOTHES SO THEY ARE NEVER WORN!

From Jasper:

When the hell did you start having a mortal fear of pink elephants?

From Alice:

STOP MENTIONING THEIR NAME!

From Bella:

This is a weakness Rose. The boys can torture her with one word.

From Rosalie:

Two.

From Bella:

Who's side are you on?

From Rosalie:

Sorry.

From Bella:

I think that we need to get Alice a therapist.

From Rosalie:

No therapist will come within an inch of our house after Emmett's fear of Lady GaGa.

From Bella:

Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

From Emmett:

SHE IS A SCARY BLONDE!

From Rosalie:

What am i then? Ginger?

From Emmett:

Oh, right. I love you Rose.

From Rosalie:

Just go back to your pink elephants like a good boy.

From Alice:

PINK ELEPHANTS?!? WHERE?!?

From Bella:

Well, i guess we will have to be her therapist's.

From Rosalie:

Oh no. No ma'am.

From Bella:

What other choice do we have?

From Rosalie:

Well, i could think of quite a few. Where would you like me to start?

From Bella:

Rosalie. We are Alice's therapist's. Get over it.

From Edward:

So your a therapist Bella?

From Bella:

I'm _Alice's._

From Jasper:

Hard luck.

From Edward:

Worth a try.

From Bella:

Right. We need to find out exactly what she hates about them.

From Rosalie:

Easy. We ask her ' hey Alice why do you hate pink elephants?'

From Bella:

Err, yeah. I suppose.

From Emmett:

I'm sick of pink elephants. Is there such a thing as yellow ones? I fancy a yellow elephant.

From Alice:

YELLOW ELEPHANT?!? RUN AWAY EVERYONE! TIS DOOOOM UPON US!!!

From Edward:

I have a feeling you have your work cut out for you guys.


	13. de spray and INCIDENTS!

From Alice:

Why have you guys blocked me from turning off my phone? It's really annoying you know.

From Bella:

We have to be sure you don't dodge this therapy were giving you.

From Alice:

I DON'T NEED BLOODY THERAPY!

From Rosalie:

Bella, maybe she's right.

From Bella:

YOU COME RIGHT BACK HERE THIS MINUTE MISS HALE!

From Rosalie:

It's Alice that's getting therapy, not me! GEEZ!!!

From Bella:

Errr, Rose. Did you realise how gay that geez on the end looked?

From Rosalie:

Errr, still not the one getting the therapy Bells.

From Bella:

I was just _saying_.

From Rosalie:

Do you think we should get back to the problem in hand?

From Bella:

Oh yeah.

From Rosalie:

Just one thing though.

From Bella:

What happened to get back to the problem in hand?

From Rosalie:

Fine. If your gonna be like that.

From Bella:

No, go on.

From Rosalie:

If this is therapy and were in the same room why the hell are we texting eachother?

From Bella:

Dunno. Cos it's fun?

From Rosalie:

O.K.

From Bella:

Right, so Alice. Were gonna start with basic questions.

From Rosalie:

Bella.

From Bella:

_WHAT NOW_?!?

From Rosalie:

You are aware Alice isn't actually here anymore, right?

From Bella:

WHAT!!!!!

From Rosalie:

You didn't _notice_?

From Bella:

You _did?_

From Rosalie:

Well, yeah.

From Bella:

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING!?!

From Rosalie:

Our conversation about texting was far more interesting than Alice will ever be.

From Alice:

I SAW THAT ROSALIE HALE!

From Rosalie:

My pleasure dear.

From Bella:

ALICE CULLEN YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!

From Alice:

No! Leave me alone!

From Bella:

_* advances with hands in severe strangling mode out of anger and pure annoyance at Alice Cullen who needs major therapy whether she likes it or not*_

From Rosalie:

Wow. That was long.

From Bella:

I know. I rate the long actions.

From Rosalie:

Alright. Just get on with it.

From Alice:

STAY AWAY! I'm an emo!

From Bella:

_* cringes away and goes to fetch the de-emo spray*_

From Alice:

De-emo spray?

From Rosalie:

...

From Alice:

I think i should be scared.

From Rosalie:

Possibly.

From Bella:

DAMN! WERE OUT!

From Rosalie:

Of what?

From Bella:

DE-EMO SPRAY OF COURSE!

From Rosalie:

Ah.

From Bella:

WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS TALKING ABOUT? DE-GAY SPRAY?

From Alice:

I think the boys could do with some of that.

From Bella:

Shut up emo girl. I'm not talking to you.

From Alice:

So anyway Rosalie. As i was saying...

From Bella:

Is that all you can say?!?

From Alice:

Yeah.

From Bella:

Fine! I'm not going shopping with you anymore!

From Alice:

I'LL STOP BEING AN EMO!

From Bella:

And give me back my purple sequin top?

From Alice:

How do you know about that!

From Rosalie:

I'll just be i Australia if anyone needs me...

From Alice:

ROSALIE! YOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL!

From Rosalie:

Yeah, but then you tried to make an owl poop on my head.

From Alice:

I thought we were never going to mention that ever again.

From Rosalie:

What, the tap dancing shoes incident?

From Alice:

I said _i thought we were never going to mention that ever again_!

From Rosalie:

And the badger in the kitchen...

From Bella:

Good times. Good times.

From Alice:

Maybe i didn't make myself _quite _clear enough the first time, so let me repeat. I THOUGHT WE WERE NEVER GOING TO MENTION THAT EVER AGAIN!

From Rosalie:

Oh alright. Carrot on. Oh, i mean ummm... _* looks extremely innocent*_

From Alice:

ROSALIE!

From Bella:

How do you like them tomatos then Alice?

From Alice:

Just shut up and carry on your terms Bella.

From Bella:

Fine. Soil sport, oh i mean... _* also looks extremely innocent*_

From Alice:

O.K! FROM THIS DAY ON ANYONE EVER MENTIONING THAT _INCIDENT _AGAIN WILL GET THROWN INTO A MEAT GRINDER! AM I CLEAR?

From Bella:

What, like the meat grinder in the garage? And the baby spiders?

From Alice:

I shouldn't have mentioned the meat grinder, should i?

From Rosalie:

Probably not.

From Alice:

_* sigh*_

From Bella:

You will never write one of your stupid lists again.

From Alice:

ARE YOU DISSING MY LIST?

From Bella:

I shouldn't have mentioned the list, should i?

From Rosalie:

It wasn't the best plan, no.

From Bella:

O.K, change that one.

From Alice:

I should think so to!

From Bella:

Do you promise to actually keep these promises?

From Alice:

Of course.

From Bella:

I mean really keep them?

From Alice:

Yes.

From Bella:

And not conveniently forget about them rwo seconds afterwards.

From Alice:

What _exactly _are you trying to say?

From Bella:

Nothing, nothing.

From Rosalie:

You were actually pointing out the last fifty times you tried to make Alice promise something weren't you?

From Bella:

I might not have been!

From Rosalie:

But you were, weren't you.

From Bella:

Well, yeah.

From Alice:

Look, Bella, i really promise.

From Bella:

Co-operate in your therapy.

From Alice:

O.K, don't push it to far Bells.


	14. Huh disease of DOOOOOMMMMMM!

From Bella:

EVERYBODY GET OFF YOUR ASS! HELP US FIND ALICE!

From Jasper:

No can do Bella.

From Bella:

Why?

From Jasper:

SHE'LL BEAT ME UP!

From Bella:

Of course she will.

From Emmett:

She actually will.

From Bella:

Oh _sure_.

From Emmett:

I get the feeling you've never been on the recieving end of one of her poker assaults have you?

From Bella:

Not exactly.

From Jasper:

What do you mean by not exactly?

From Bella:

Well, i was standing next to Edward once when she beat him up for giving Emmett her teddy bear.

From Jasper:

Wasn't that a toilet brush?

From Bella:

You can just shut up Mr Smarty Pants.

From Jasper:

For your information there is nothing wrong with my pants.

From Rosalie:

Not according to what i've been told...

From Bella:

I thought you were off rebelling against me.

From Rosalie:

Oh i am, it's just time for a tea break.

From Bella:

You just wanted to see what happens don't you?

From Rosalie:

Oh, alright. I'm only human.

From Jasper:

Who also happens to be a powerful supernatural creature.

From Rosalie:

Shut up Smarty Pants.

From Jasper:

WILL YOU STOP INSULTING MY PANTS?!?

From Emmett:

I'm worried by what i just read.

From Bella:

Emmett.

From Emmett:

Bella.

From Rosalie:

Errr, i have a feeling i should be understanding some of this.

From Bella:

Oh, no, it's just a randomized Clint Eastwood thing.

From Rosalie:

I happen to have watched Clint Eastwood.

From Emmett:

No, you actually moaned all the way through it and then locked yourself in Alice's bedroom.

From Bella:

Speaking of Alice, Emmett, will you help me catch Alice so we can give her her therapy?

From Emmett:

Has she got her poker?

From Rosalie:

No.

From Emmett:

How do you know that?

From Bella:

I have a strong feeling you don't want to know.

From Emmett:

I'm sure it's not that bad, i'm just curious.

From Rosalie:

You don't want to know.

From Emmett:

_Is _it that bad?

From Rosalie:

You don't want to know.

From Emmett:

Yes i do!

From Bella:

You really don't.

From Rosalie:

How do you know about it?

From Bella:

I don't.

From Rosalie:

Then why...?

From Bella:

I'm going to annoy you until you help me.

From Rosalie:

Then your out of luck.

From Bella:

Fine, come on Emmett.

From Emmett;

Coming.

From Rosalie:

EMMETT!

From Emmett:

Sorry Rose.

From Rosalie:

WHY?!?

From Emmett:

Bella has yellow elephants!

From Bella:

I hear Alice screaming! This way!

* * *

From Bella:

No! She's over here!

From Emmett;

Bella we've already looked there.

From Bella:

Stop being negative. I'm positive this time.

From Emmett:

_THIS TIME_! _* crawls into corner and cries pitifully*_

From Bella:

Your fooling no-one but yourself.

From Emmett:

Huh.

From Rosalie:

Hi guys. Any luck in the last four hours?

From Bella:

No, but i've got a really good feeling about this spot.

From Emmett;

Huh.

From Rosalie:

You having fun Emmett?

From Emmett:

Huh.

From Rosalie:

What did you _do_ to him Bells?

From Emmett;

Huh.

From Bella:

Nothing.

From Emmett:

Huh!

From Rosalie:

Then why is he sulking and texting huh a lot.

From Bella:

He has contracted huh syndrome.

From Rosalie:

You lie bad, Bella.

From Bella:

I'm not lying! He really has!

From Emmett:

Huh?

From Bella:

See!

From Rosalie:

Oh crap. Better get him out of here.

From Emmett;

HUH?!?

From Rosalie;

We can't risk catching huh syndrome at this point in our lives.

From Emmett:

HUH!!!

From Bella:

Now, don't be like that Emmett.

From Emmett:

HUUUUUUH!!!!!

From Rosalie:

EMMETT! OUT NOW!

From Bella:

NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE.

From Emmett:

_Huh_...

From Rosalie:

OUT!

From Bella:

Right, i have a plan.

From Emmett:

_Huh_.

From Rosalie:

I SAID OUT!

From Bella:

Get out Emmett!

From Emmett;

HUH!!!

From Rosalie:

Don't you take that tone with _me _young man!

From Bella:

Huh.

From Rosalie:

Huh?

From Bella:

Huh?

From Emmett:

Huh?


	15. scary blondes and brunettesPOKERINCLUDED

From Jasper:

I'm getting worried about Alice.

From Edward;

Why?

From Jasper:

She's been gone for hours.

From Edward:

So?

From Jasper;

Well, she could be, i dunno, kidnapped!

From Edward:

Who would want to kidnap Alice?

From Jasper:

I dunno, evil people?

From Edward:

So some complete stranger is going kidnap Alice.

From Jasper:

I didn't say _would_. I said _might_.

From Edward;

So your saying that a complete stranger _might _kidnap Alice.

From Jasper:

They could!

From Edward;

Do you have _any _idea what she can do with her poker do you?

From Jasper:

But she hasn't got it.

From Edward:

May i ask how you know that?

From Jasper:

No, you can't. But i'm going to tell you anyway because i'm pissed at Rosalie.

From Edward:

Why are you pissed with Rosalie?

From Jasper;

She betrayed me by helping Bella find her.

From Edward:

I thought you wanted her back?

From Jasper:

When did i say that?

From Edward:

Just now.

From Jasper:

Oh that. I said i was worried.

From Edward:

But surely that means you want her to come out of hiding?

From Jasper:

No way! I get to do whatever i want!

From Edward:

I just thought you wanted her to come back.

From Jasper:

Dunno why you would think that.

From Edward:

I don't either.

From Jasper:

Sides, she'll come back anyway.

From Edward:

How do you know that?

From Jasper:

She'll want revenge on Rosalie.

From Edward:

Errr, don't want to sound dumb or anything although it probably will, but why?

From Jasper:

Your right, that did sound dumb.

From Edward:

No need to be _insulting _about it.

From Jasper:

She'll be wanting her poker back.

From Edward:

Oh, that.

From Jasper:

I don't blame her really.

From Edward:

Why not?

From Jasper:

What's with the twenty questions suddenly?

From Edward:

Shut up and tell me already.

From Jasper:

No can do bro. Evil blondes orders.

From Edward:

I thought you were annoyed at her.

From Jasper:

Oh, i am.

From Edward:

...?

From Jasper:

You do _know _why she is refered to as evil blonde right?

From Edward:

Well, yeah. Anyone who has met Rosalie could probably understand your reasoning.

From Jasper:

Yeah, well, leave it at that.

From Edward:

Probably best. She's gonna come on and start texting us really angry messages soon.

From Jasper:

How do you know that? She could be off chasing wilderbeest or something.

From Rosalie:

WILDERBEEST?!?

From Edward:

See, told you Jasper.

From Rosalie:

Hey! Bella! The Huh sydrome! It's gone!

From Bella:

Yeah! It has!

From Rosalie:

CELEBRATION IN ORDER!

From Bella:

WOOHOO!

From Rosalie:

_* dances to pop songs*_

From Bella:

_* hangs up streamers*_

From Edward:

Err, i'll be leaving now.

From Jasper:

Yeah. Bye.

From Rosalie:

JASPER HALE YOU COME BACK HERE NOW!

From Jasper:

Oh _crap_.

From Rosalie:

Now, i want you to never ever ever mention me and wilderbeests in the same sentence again. Got it?

From Jasper:

Yes oh scary blonde of doom.

From Rosalie:

Don't push it Jasper.

From Jasper:

Sorry slightly scary blonde of doom.

From Bella:

What am i then?

From Jasper:

Slightly scary brunette of doom, oh slightly scary brunette of doom.

From Bella:

Good. Just checking.

From Rosalie:

Just run along now, my dumb blonde minion.

From Jasper:

Doing it right now, oh slightly scary blonde of doom.

From Rosalie:

Pretty good, but ditch the oh bit at the start.

From Jasper:

Yes, of course.

From Rosalie:

Yes of course _who_?

From Jasper:

Yes of course slightly scary blonde of doom.

From Bella:

Heh-hem.

From Jasper:

Yes, slightly scary brunette of doom?

From Bella:

Put the oh bit on the start for me.

From Jasper:

My apologies oh slightly scary brunette of doom.

From Bella:

Amazing. How did you get him to be like this?

From Rosalie:

It's amazing what men will do if you do the right things.

From Bella:

Ri-_ight_.

From Rosalie:

I mean, it's so easy.

From Bella:

You hit him with Alice's poker, didn't you.

From Rosalie:

Well, yeah.

From Bella:

Good plan.

From Rosalie:

Not as clever as how i got it in the first place.

From Bella:

Hee-hee.

From Edward:

AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT DOESEN'T KNOW ABOUT THE POKER?!?

From Bella:

Yeah. Probably.

From Edward:

Thanks for the help Bells.

From Bella:

No problem?

From Edward:

I was kinda counting on you to tell me about the poker.

From Bella:

Oh, right.

From Edward:

Forget it.


	16. iTz A pOkEr KiNdA tHiNg

From Alice:

Emmett! You gotta help me!

From Emmett:

Huh?

From Alice:

Emmett.

From Emmett:

Huh?

From Alice:

Give it up, i know you don't have it anymore.

From Emmett:

Huh?

From Alice:

Emmett Cullen, stop being an idiot.

From Emmett:

Damn.

From Alice:

Just shut up and listen.

From Emmett:

Listening oh scary dark haired of doom.

From Alice:

_Scary dark haired of doom_?!?

From Emmett:

It's what Jasper calls Bella and Rosalie.

From Alice:

Their not dark haired.

From Emmett:

Fine, if you want to be _pedantic _about it you can be oh scary dark black with a brown tint haired of doom.

From Alice:

Emmett, seriously shut up now.

From Emmett:

Listening, Alice deary.

From Alice:

Emmett.

From Emmett:

I can actually see the look your giving me at the moment.

From Alice:

Oh really? What does it look like, oh so apparently smart and boastful brother of mine?

From Emmett:

I don't give you nicknames, you don't give me nicknames.

From Alice:

Sorry. So, anyway, you have got to help me!

From Emmett:

I have?

From Alice:

There trying to give me therapy and Rosalie stole my poker!

From Emmett:

Hee-hee.

From Alice:

I'm never going to live the poker thing down, am i?

From Emmett:

No.

From Rosalie:

Bella! I see her!

From Alice:

Emmett help me hide!

From Emmett:

Why?

From Rosalie:

Emmett don't you dare do anything!

From Emmett:

Scary blondes orders Alice.

From Alice:

Damn you to hell!

From Emmett:

Thankyou so much.

From Alice:

And i hope your eyballs explode!

From Emmett:

How lovely.

From Alice:

Oh god Emmett, your useless at hints.

From Emmett:

There was a hint?

From Alice:

That's exactly my point.

From Bella:

Alice Cullen you stay right there!

From Alice:

I don't need therapy! Leave me to my fantasies!

From Rosalie:

What fantasies?

From Alice:

None of your business poker stealer.

From Rosalie:

I have your poker right here Alice.

From Alice:

GIVE ME MY BABY!

From Bella:

But we have a proposition.

From Alice:

DON'T GIVE ME MY BABY! YOU CAN KEEP IT!

From Bella:

Your still having therapy Alice.

From Edward:

So, Bella, your still doing therapy?

From Bella:

Edward, i am not your therapist.

From Edward:

DAMN!

From Emmett:

Hard luck.

From Edward:

I'll keep trying, never fear.

From Bella:

Edward go away.

From Edward:

Yes oh slightly scary brunette of doom.

From Bella:

Seriuosly go away now or i will hit you with Alice's poker.

From Rosalie:

Err, i wouldn't actaully.

From Bella:

Oh yeah.

From Edward:

Why not?

From Bella:

Just something pokery dear. Nothing you would understand.

From Edward:

WHY THE HELL AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESEN'T KNOW ABOUT THE POKER!?!

From Rosalie:

Your to sensitive.

From Emmett:

No, tell him.

From Bella:

I don't much fancy my husbands head exploding everywhere.

From Alice:

Ugh no. I don't want bits of Edward on my new dress.

From Emmett:

Fair enough.

From Edward:

TELL ME!

From Bella:

No.

From Edward:

Cruel woman.

From Rosalie:

Emmett, please break Edward's phone.

From Emmett:

Yes slightly scary blonde of doom.

From Bella:

Heh-hum?

From Emmett:

Can i break your husbands phone oh slightly scary brunette?

From Bella:

Yes, of course you can Emmett.

From Edward:

NOOOOOO! BELLA!

From Bella:

I believe the correct term is oh slightly scary brunette of doom.

From Edward:

ROSALIE!

From Rosalie:

Don't look at me, i was the one who told him in the first place.

From Edward:

PLEASE STOP HIM ROSALIE!

From Rosalie:

My _name, _Mr Cullen, is slightly scary blonde of doom.

From Edward:

PLEASE STOP HIM, SLIGHTLY SCARY BLONDE OF DOOM!

From Rosalie:

Nah.

From Emmett:

Hee-hee! CRUSHHHHH!

From Edward:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Rosalie:

Good job my monkey man.

From Emmett:

If i get him out of range can i tell him?

From Rosalie:

Alice? It's your dress.

From Alice:

I'll watch from the window.

From Rosalie:

Bella? It's your husband.

From Bella:

Hell yeah!

From Rosalie:

Go on Emmett.

From Emmett:

Stand back everyone.

From Bella:

How long into the explanation?

From Rosalie:

I bet till the horse poo.

From Alice:

No, i bet the tortoise mash.

From Bella:

The tortoise mash then.

From Jasper:

Hi everyone!

From Alice:

JASPER HALE!

From Jasper:

Uh-oh. I'm sorry i forgot to wash your favourite jeans.

From Alice:

Well, as long as your sorry i'll let you off.

From Jasper:

Thankyou.

From Alice:

Just as long as you didn't forget to shine my stilletos.

From Jasper:

Of course i didn't.

From Alice:

I hope your right.

From Bella:

It's coming up!

From Rosalie:

Right after the bit where i get hit by a tree branch.

From Jasper:

What? What's happening?

From Rosalie:

BADA-BOOM!

From Bella:

Wow. That actually spattered the window.

From Alice:

Thankgod my dress wasn't in range of _that_!

From Jasper:

Did you tell him?

From Bella:

Yeah.

From Alice:

Well, that was fun, but i'm gonna have to rearrange my stilletos now.

From Jasper:

Oh nooooo...

From Rosalie:

You didn't _forget _did you?

From Jasper:

Yes!

From Bella:

She is gonna kick your ass to France.

From Emmett:

That was fun!

From Rosalie:

Yes, now go and have a bath.

From Alice:

JASPER HAAAALE!!!!!!!!


	17. HAIL! THE MIGHTY PILLOW CASE IS HERE!

From Jasper:

It's time.

From Emmett:

To right! You have owed me 10 dollars for months! Pay up!

From Jasper:

What? No! I wasn't talking about that!

From Emmett:

Well, you do owe me a teddy bear from that time at the fair...

From Jasper:

I'm not referring to that time!

From Emmett:

I thought we were going to forget about the five marbles that you flushed dow the toilet.

From Jasper:

Not that time! That was ten years ago Emmett!

From Emmett:

I'll never get a marble like 'sparkedust' again.

From Edward:

Sparkedust?

From Emmett:

Hey! Your supposed to have no phone!

From Edward:

I got another one.

From Emmett:

You stole Rosalie's old one!

From Edward:

No i didn't!

From Jasper:

Edward, it it pink and has property of Rosalie Hale written on it.

From Edward:

Oh yeah. I never noticed that before.

From Jasper:

Oh sure.

From Emmett:

Dear Sparkedust...

From Jasper:

There is a bridge Emmett. Get over it.

From Emmett:

Oi! I am reminiscing!

From Edward:

About dear old Sparkedust...

From Emmett:

You dare to mock the Sparkedust!

From Jasper:

What, is it some kind of god now?

From Emmett:

No! You know fully well that Mr Pillow case is the god around here!

From Edward:

EMMETT! I thought you were over Mr Pillow Case!

From Emmett:

How dare you insult Mr Pillow Case! Feel his wrath!

From Jasper:

I see no thunder bolts.

From Emmett;

Give him a second. He's out of practice.

From Edward:

Still failing to see any thunderbolts.

From Emmett:

Just one more minute...

From Edward:

Not that i think this is quite sad or anything, but i'm going to pretend Bella is calling me. Oh, look, Bella is calling me. I will have to go now.

From Emmett:

Beware Edward! The mighty Pillow Case shall smite you down!

From Jasper:

Wait! I see something!

From Emmett:

Hah! Now we shall see who is laughing!

From Jasper:

Is that a rain cloud?

From Emmett:

Any second now he will strike!

From Edward:

Hey! That tickles!

From Jasper:

That was Mr Pillow Cases mighty smiting wrath, was it?

From Edward:

I would pretend Alice is calling you now before he drives you insane.

From Jasper:

Good idea. Oh look, Alice is calling me.

From Emmett:

Maybe he needs more followers to expand his smitiness?

From Edward:

EMMETT! HE IS NOT A GOD!

From Emmett:

ARE YOU BLASPHEMING AGAINST THE MIGHTY PILLOW CASE?!?

From Edward:

EMMETT! IT IS A DIRTY PIECE OF FABRIC THAT YOU PUT OVER PILLOWS! IT IS NOT A GOD!!!

From Emmett:

HE HAS A FOLLOWING!!! HAH! GET ROUND THAT BLASPHEMER!

From Edward:

Really?

From Emmett:

YOU ARE SPEECHLESS AGAINST THE MIGHTY CULT OF PILLOW CASE!

From Edward:

So exactly how many people are in this cult Emmett?

From Emmett:

One.

From Edward:

I rest my case.

From Emmett:

But we shall find more!

From Edward:

Good luck with that.

* * *

From Alice:

So let me get this straight? You want me to worship a pillow case that hasn't been washed in weeks so it can smite Edward down?

From Emmett:

Yes! He shall pay for his blaspheming ways!

From Alice:

Blaspheming ways?

From Emmett:

Yes! He mocked Mr Pillow Case!

From Alice:

So you want a Pillow Case to strike down Edward because he mocked it?

From Emmett:

Could i add that the more people join the more Edward gets annoyed.

From Alice:

Really?

From Emmett:

Yeah, he seems to get really annoyed and starts to bang his head against the wall everytime i mention the Cult of Mr Pillow Case...

From Alice:

Hail the Mighty Pillow Case god!

From Emmett:

Hah! Hahahahahahahaha!

From Jasper:

Hi Alice! Do you wanna play chess?

From Alice:

Silence in the temple!

From Jasper:

Temple?

From Alice:

Shh!

From Jasper:

Emmett, what is she babbling about?

From Emmett:

Kneel before your god!

From Alice:

Mighty Pillow Case! Take this offering of Ariel Excel gel and help us annoy my brother Edward!

From Jasper:

Oh boy...

From Emmett:

I said kneel!

From Jasper:

Not likely.

From Alice:

How dare you talk to the High Priest of Mighty Pillow Case like that!

From Jasper:

High Priest? Emmett?

From Emmett:

Now kneel!

From Jasper:

No thanks.

From Emmett:

Then leave. Your disturbing the daily sacrifice.


	18. cult pillowcase: now recruiting

From Rosalie:

What is the pillow case about?

From Emmett:

It is not a pillow case. It is the Mighty Pillow Case!

From Rosalie:

Do i want to know?

From Edward:

No.

From Emmett:

Away blasphemer!

From Edward:

How's the cult going Emmett?

From Alice:

You will refer to him as High Priest of Pillow Case!

From Edward:

Not you Alice.

From Alice:

Emmett, it's sacrifice time again.

From Edward:

You are joking me.

From Rosalie:

Their not.

From Edward:

NOOOOO!

From Alice:

Hehehe. Thankyou Mighty Pillow Case for helping make Edward bang himself over the head with Rosalie's handbag.

From Rosalie:

What! That is it! I am joining the cult of Pillow Case!

From Edward:

_* sobs pitifully*_

From Rosalie:

Serves you right, vandalizing bags.

From Alice:

Yes, it does! Now go away, the sacrificial ceromony is beginning.

From Edward:

_* runs away and hides from religious loonies that worship pillow cases*_

From Rosalie:

Sacrificial ceromony?

From Emmett:

Our god demands sustenance and reverence!

From Rosalie:

Emmett, i can see the dictionary your hiding under the table.

From Emmett:

Damn.

From Jasper:

Alice, are you back to normalness yet?

From Alice:

Shh! The ceromony is beginning!

From Jasper:

This i have got to see.

From Rosalie:

So what happens?

From Emmett:

We find a suitable sacrifice and sprinkle it with washing powder, then we recite a prayer and the seven commandments.

From Jasper:

Seven?

From Emmett:

I couldn't think of ten alright. Give a guy a break.

From Alice:

Then we repeat the washing powder sprinkling and embalm ourselves with the holy ariel excel gel.

From Emmett:

And then we recite the pillow case oath of loyalty.

From Alice:

And then we stab the pink elephant that we are sacrificing with a poker.

From Emmett:

For the last time Alice, we do not use a poker!

From Alice:

Oh yeah. It was the curling tongs, wasn't it?

From Jasper:

Oh my god.

From Emmett:

You have a problem non-believer?

From Jasper:

So your going to sacrifice a pink elephant to a Pillow Case using curling tongs?

From Emmett:

That's the general idea.

From Rosalie:

I don't like it! I'm not going to stab an innocent pink elephant with curling tongs!

From Emmett:

Err, you don't really have a choice.

From Rosalie:

Fine, then i'll join the cult of Mighty Pillow.

From Emmett:

Never! Unclean! Unclean!

From Alice:

You must be cleansed of the horrible word you have just uttered!

From Jasper:

What, Might Pillow?

From Alice:

Gah!!!!!!

From Emmett:

OUT OF THIS PLACE AND NEVER RETURN NON-BELIEVER!

From Jasper:

That's not fair! Rosalie said it!

From Alice:

She's a member. She get's pardon.

From Emmett:

AWAY!!!

From Jasper:

What a stressy priest.

From Rosalie:

Alice! What are you doing! I don't want to go swimming!

From Alice:

We are cleansing you!

From Jasper:

Good luck.

From Emmett:

AWAY!

From Jasper:

Stupid Priest...

From Emmett:

Phew! All cleansed!

From Rosalie:

That was strange.

From Emmett:

Now, about this not wanting to sacrifice stuff...

From Rosalie:

I will sacrifice, just not pink elephants or with curling tongs.

From Alice:

What's wrong with curling tongs!?!

From Rosalie:

I just prefer to use nail files.

From Emmett:

O.K. And what will you sacrifice?

From Rosalie:

I've always hated black cheeses.

From Alice:

Black cheeses! You are afraid of black cheeses?!?

From Rosalie:

They always look like they're planning something!

From Alice:

Planning to take over the world by food poisoning, i expect.

From Rosalie:

Amd i expect pink elephants are going to bash you to death with their trunks, aren't they?

From Alice:

You know perfectly well what happened at the zoo that time!

From Rosalie:

That was a girrafe Alice.

From Alice:

They're similar.

From Emmett:

So i have thought about it, and i have come up with a plan!

From Rosalie:

Go on.

From Emmett:

Alice wants to sacrifice oink elephants using curling tongs, yes?

From Alice:

I do.

From Emmett:

So you are now an Orthodox Caseist.

From Alice:

Haha! I have an official sub species listing!

From Emmett:

And Rosalie wants to sacrifice black cheeses using nail files, yes?

From Rosalie:

Metal nail files!

From Emmett:

Sorry, using metal nail files.

From Rosalie:

I do.

From Emmett:

So you are now a reformed Caseist.

From Rosalie:

HAH! IN YOUR FACE MISS ORTHODOX ALICE!

From Alice:

Reformed weakling! I am the real deal! I sacrifice living things!

From Rosalie:

My sacrificing could potentially save the world from cheese poisoning!

From Emmett:

NO SHOUTING IN THE TEMPLE!!!

From Rosalie:

Sorry hight Priest.

From Alice:

We are humbly regretfull.

From Emmett:

Good. It's time for a tea break.

From Rosalie:

Is he gone?

From Alice:

Yeah.

From Rosalie:

ORTHODOX EXTREMIST!

From Alice:

REFORMED WIMP!!!


	19. Trial of a sarcastic Eddie: p1

From Emmett:

CULT MEETING!

From Edward:

Good luck with that.

From Rosalie:

Go away Edward. You suck.

From Edward:

Thanks.

From Emmett:

LET ME REPHRASE! CULT MEETING FOR CULT MEMBERS!

From Edward:

And there was me thinking it was a cult meeting for orange monkeys.

From Alice:

Well, that was a bit stupid.

From Edward:

I was _being _sarcastic.

From Alice:

I never would have guessed.

From Edward:

You seem so convinced of that.

From Rosalie:

She is.

From Alice:

Whatever wimpy reformed person.

From Rosalie:

Need-witty-remark!Need-witty-remark-quick!

From Bella:

How about 'your dress is not co-ordinated with your makeup you total fashion screw up'?

From Edward:

GAH! STOP APPEARING RANDOMLY IN CONVERSATIONS!

From Bella:

Why? It's kinda fun.

From Emmett:

BELLA MY DEAR! JOIN THE ANCIENT AND MOST AMAZINGLY AMAZING CULT OF PILLOWCASE!

From Edward:

So it's ancient now?

From Alice:

He can hardly say the modern cult of pillowcase can he?

From Edward:

Nooo, cos that would be to modern wouldn't it?

From Alice:

Will you stop being sarcastic all the time?

From Edward:

No.

From Rosalie:

But then how will we know if your serious about anything?

From Bella:

Actually, he did say that he loved my shoes this morning.

From Edward:

HEY! I _DO_ LIKE YOUR SHOES!

From Rosalie:

What d'ya reckon?

From Emmett:

WE WILL TAKE A RELIGIOUS VOTE!

From Edward:

Oh boy...

From Alice:

Nah, i was thinking more court trial.

From Emmett:

WHAT DO YOU THINK BELLA?!? DO YOU AGREE TO TAKE THIS MATTER TO THE COURT OF RELIGIOUS PILLOWCASE JUSTICE?!?

From Bella:

Hell yeah!

From Edward:

BELLA!

From Bella:

I'm sorry Edward, but i you just don't understand how much these shoes mean to me.

From Edward:

NOOOOOooooooo......

From Emmett:

IT IS DECIDED!

From Alice:

The trial shall commence...

From Rosalie:

Yes?

From Alice:

You were supposed to say where.

From Rosalie:

Oh right.

From Alice:

Hem-hem!

From Edward:

You actually just _texted _clearing your throat?

From Emmett:

SILENCE! THE ACCUSED SHALL NOT TALK UNLESS TALKED TO!

From Rosalie:

Emmett?

From Emmett:

What? I'm kinda in the middle of being priest like here.

From Rosalie:

Isn't it speak unless spoken to?

From Emmett:

No.

From Rosalie:

Are you sure?

From Emmett:

They wouldn't let me. Copyright and all that.

From Rosalie:

Ahh.

From Emmett:

Umm, Rose?

From Rosalie:

Carry on.

From Emmett:

AND NOW THE TRIAL SHALL COMMENCE IN...!

From Rosalie:

The Laundry Room Of Religious Judgement!

From Edward:

Oh please. The laundry room?

From Rosalie:

Esme won't let us in the conservatory. It's just been redone.

From Edward:

Ri-ight.

From Emmett:

TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM OF RELIGIOUS JUDGEMENT! _* points dramatically skywards*_

From Alice:

Erm, High Priest Emmett?

From Emmett:

What is it now?

From Alice:

The Laundry Room Of Religious Judgement is downstairs.

From Emmett:

_DOWN _TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM OF RELIGIOUS JUDGEMENT!

* * *

From Emmett:

THE TRIAL SHALL NOW COMMENCE!

From Edward:

Excuse me?

From Emmett:

_What_?!?

From Edward:

I would just like to point out that the trial has commenced like, five times already.

From Alice:

Do you want us to add charges of smart arseness on as well?

From Edward:

Not really.

From Alice:

Well shut it.

From Emmett:

RIGHT! OUR FIRST WITNESS SHALL NOW ENTER THE TRIAL THAT IS WIERDLY BEING CONDUCTED ON OUR MOBILE PHONES!

From Bella:

Actually, why are we conducting a trial by texting?

From Emmett:

BECAUSE IT IS CASEIST LAW!

From Edward:

Says who?

From Emmett:

SAYS THE BOOK OF CASEIST LAW!

From Edward:

I can't believe they actually have a book of laws.

From Jasper:

They do?

From Edward:

GAH! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND BELLA RANDOMLY JOINING CONVERSATIONS!?!

From Jasper:

I don't believe it either. Actually i do, sadly.

From Emmett:

No trust me, we do have one.

From Edward:

Of course you do.

From Emmett:

No, really.

From Edward:

I believe you.

From Emmett:

Seriously. It's purple.

From Edward:

Emmett, i just said i believe you.

From Emmett:

And it has all this fancy gold lettering saying Caseist book of religious law.

From Edward:

Emmett...

From Emmett:

Sorry.

From Edward:

Can we get on with this trial please?

From Emmett:

O.K! BUT FIRST WE MUST ASK OURSELVES AN IMPORTANT QUESTION!

From Alice:

Tell us High Priest!

From Bella:

Yes! Tell us all!

From Emmett:

Rosalie?

From Rosalie:

Hmm?

From Emmett:

ROSE!

From Rosalie:

Oh right. PLEASE OH PLEASE!

From Emmett:

WILL MR JASPER JOIN OUR FAITH!?!

From Jasper:

Never.

From Edward:

Well that was easy.

From Emmett:

Are you sure?

From Jasper:

NEVER EVER!

From Emmett:

We'll throw in a free ice cream maker.

From Jasper:

Does it do kiwi flavour?

From Emmett:

Err, no.

From Jasper:

NEVER!

From Emmett:

Fine then. Suit yourself.

From Edward:

Emmett! Trial!

From Emmett:

Oh. CALLING IN OUR FIRST WITNESS! JACOB BLACK!

From Edward:

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Jacob:

Hey everyone.

From Emmett:

Despair and sorrow accomplished.


	20. AWARDS! just not for eddie

RIGHT GUYZ! THIS IS WAT YOUVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

TO MARK CHAPPY 20 I AM HOLDING AN EXCLUSIVE AWARDS CEROMONY!

From Alice:

Regan?

What?

From Alice:

I haven't cleaned my poker yet.

Oh. O.K.

THERE IS GOING TO BE A SHORT DELAY.

* * *

_NOW _IS THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

THE FIRST AWARD FOR BEST USE OF GAY CLUB NAMES GOES TO...

JASPER!

From Jasper:

Wooo, i rule, i rule, yeah yeah, i rule.

From Edward:

HEY! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR!

From Emmett:

ITZ MY CLUB AS WELL!

Shut up or i will get security.

From Edward:

Sorry Regan.

THE NEXT AWARD FOR THE BEST USE OF PILLOW CASES GOES TO...

EMMETT!

From Emmett:

YAOI!

From Rosalie:

Emmett.

From Emmett:

What?

From Rosalie:

Never EVER do that again.

From Emmett:

Oh, right.

O-O.K...

THE NEXT AWARD FOR THE MOST AMAZINGLY WASTE OF PAPER GOES TO...

ALICE!

From Alice:

ARE YOU DISSING MY LIST?

Alice, i am giving you a pot of super poker shine. What more do you want?

From Alice:

Good point.

From Mave:

ALICEEEEE!!!!!!

Errr, Mave.

From Mave:

What?

Wrong fic.

From Mave:

Oh. Right.

Just stay anyway. Itz probably easier.

From Kat:

ALICEEEEE!!!!!!

Wrong fic.

From Mave:

Just stay anyway.

From Kat:

O.K.

THE NEXT AWARD FOR THE WIERDEST JOB CHOICE GOES TO...

JASPER!

From Edward:

HE'S ALREADY HAD ONE!

From Jasper:

I rule twice over!

From Edward:

REEEEEGAAAANNNNNN! ITZ NOT FAAAIIIRRR!

Stop whining! Your shaming Robert Pattinson!

From Edward:

Why would i care if i shame somebody who tries to play me in a random biographical movie series?

...

Just get off the stage.

THE NEXT AWARD FOR THE BEST EXCUSE CONCERNING MOUSTACHES GOES TO...

BELLA!

From Bella:

Wait...i don't remember that.

Chapter 3 Bella.

From Bella:

Errr, no. Still blank.

Just take the award already!

From Bella:

ALRIGHT! GEEEEEEEEEEZ!

THE NEXT AWARD FOR BEST PHASE OF SUICIDELLNESS GOES TO...

JASPER!

Wait. That's not right.

From Jasper:

I REALLY RULE!

Jasper. You rubbed out Roses name and put Jasper in itz place didn't you?

From Jasper:

I'm leaving now.

That's such a good idea.

Sorry Rose. Here ya go.

From Hagrid:

HARRYYYY!

Wrong fic.

From Hagrid:

Oh dear.

Just leave. Now.

O.K! NOW THE GRAND PRIZE!

From Edward:

Heeeheee this is going to be good!

THE AWARD FOR GENERAL AMAZINGNESS GOES TO...

JACOB!

From Jacob:

YOU SUCK EDDIE!

From Edward:

But. But thatz not fair!

It says it here.

From Edward:

HE'S ONLY HAD ONE LINE!

Face it. Jacob is better than you.

From Edward:

Well. Come on then.

How do you mean?

From Edward:

What's the next award?

That's the end.

From Bella:

Oh good.

From Alice:

Can we go now?

From Emmett:

My butts gone to sleep.

From Jasper:

I need to go and find some kiwi ice cream.

From Rosalie:

My sacrifice is overdue.

From Jacob:

I've gotta prepare my witness speech for the trial.

You can all go.

From Edward:

WHAT ABOUT MY PRIZE!

You don't get one.

From Edward:

BUT ITZ SOOOOOO UNFAIR!!!!!

Goodbye Edward.

From Durkon:

TREEES! THERE AFTER ME!

WHAT IS IT WITH CHARACTERS GETTING THE FICS MIXED UP?

From Haley:

Durkon, the Order of the Stick section is over here!

From Durkon:

Oh, Righ'.

From Mave:

This was fun. Now where's Alice?

She's gone. Has to polish her poker.

From Mave:

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

From Kat:

NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!

Errr, bye then.

From Edward:

Err, Regan?

No, Edward. You cannot have an award.

From Edward:

OH MAAAAAN!!!

Don't you have a trial to attend?

From Edward:

Oh yeah. I forgot.

Finally silence. That was so tiring.

From Lestat:

Errrr. Excuse me?

What?

From Lestat:

I think i'm lost.

OH MY GOD! I HAVE A BIG SIGN PAINTED RIGHT ACROSS THE ENTRANCE TO THIS STORY SAYING ' TWILIGHT TEXTING MADNESS' FOR A REASON YOU KNOW!

From Lestat:

Can you please tell me where i can find the Vampire Chronicles please?

Over there.

From Lestat:

Thankyou.

From Samara Morgan:

You have seven days...

Err, hellooooo? I am like, scarier than you.

From Samara Morgan:

How do you mean?

You are in the ring. I am in the Exorcist.

From Samara Morgan:

Point taken.

I'm so glad.

( Silence).

From Death:

HELLO SMALL HUMAN.

I'm leaving now.

**HOW WAS THAT GUYZ AND GUYZETTES?**

**BAD? GOOD? SORT OF WAVY?**

**I PROMISED YOU MAVE! I NEVER BREAK PROMISES!**

**( EXCEPT TO CHEESES, BUT THAT DOESEN'T COUNT.)**

**UNTIL NEXT TIME...**

**POKER FACE!!!**


	21. Trial of a sarcastic Eddie: p2

From Jacob:

Hey Bella. Wink.

From Bella:

You actually just texted wink?

From Edward:

That's sad.

From Emmett:

THE ACCUSED SHALL NOT TALK TO THE WITNESSES!

From Edward:

And i suppose i'm not allowed to eat cheese either?

From Emmett:

You've read the rulebook?

From Edward:

And i also suppose that the accused cannot read the rulebook as well as not being able to read Wind in the Willows?

From Emmett:

You _have_ read it! Alice!

From Alice:

Yes high Priest Emmett?

From Emmett:

Double security around the rulebook!

From Alice:

Which particular one would that be?

From Emmett:

We have more than one?

From Rosalie:

We have thirty three, not including the language translations.

From Edward:

You have copies of your random caseist rulebooks in different languages?

From Emmett:

THE ACCUSED MUST NOT CRITISIZE THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE ANCIENT RELIGION OF PILLOWCASE!

From Rosalie:

What he texted!

From Alice:

Yeah!

From Bella:

So there!

From Alice:

Why have i suddenly got the urge to put exclamation marks at the end of every sentence!

From Jasper:

I don't know!

From Alice:

Shut up!

From Jasper:

And why would i do that!

From Alice:

Because i'm your wife!

From Jasper:

I know you are! What was i thinking!

From Alice:

Do you want me to hit you!

From Jasper:

Not really!

From Alice:

Well shut up!

From Jasper:

Yes dear!

From Emmett:

Err O.K. That was wierd.

From Bella:

Can we like, get on with this!

From Edward:

I'm getting pins and needles in a place people should not get pins and needles!

From Bella:

We did not want to know that!

From Edward:

Oh good! I told you anyway!

From Bella:

I know you did! That's why i've taken you to court!

From Edward:

Wait...i thought i was on trial for sarcasticness?

From Bella:

Oh yeah.

From Alice:

Actually, your on trial for quite a few things.

From Edward:

Err, why?

From Rosalie:

People added onto the list as we went along.

From Edward:

You made a list?

From Alice:

Yes.

From Edward:

Oh no.

From Bella:

Some people might take offense at that you know.

From Rosalie:

They might even think that you are dissing there list.

From Alice:

Your not dissing my list, are you? Little breakable Eddie boy?

From Edward:

No.

From Alice:

Are you sure? Little extremely breakable Eddie boy?

From Edward:

No, i've revised that whole dissing thing. Really.

From Alice:

Well good. Because we know who got the prize for the best list making don't we?

From Edward:

Err, enlighten me.

From Alice:

IT WAS ME YOU IDIOT!

From Rosalie:

No it wasn't!

From Alice:

Was to!

From Rosalie:

As i recall, it was actually the award for the most amazing waste of paper.

From Alice:

Well...it's the same thing.

From Jacob:

Errr, can i just come into this conversation here?

From Alice:

No.

From Jacob:

Aww, come on! I'm the first witness and i've only said a few lines!

From Edward:

At least you got an award.

From Alice:

Your both kind of steering this conversation away from the subject here.

From Rosalie:

And it's annoying.

From Edward:

Fine, i'll just go and sulk in the corner then.

From Emmett:

THE ACCUSED CANNOT SULK IN CORNERS!

From Edward:

Is there anything the accused _can _do?

From Emmett:

Errr, lets see. Alice!

From Alice:

Yes?

From Emmett:

The list please!

From Edward:

What, are you the list keeper or something?

From Alice:

You got a _problem _with that?

From Edward:

No, not a single problem.

From Emmett:

Right, the list reads: The accused can do the following...make kiwi ice cream while the trial is commencing.

From Jasper:

KIWI ICE CREAM! WHERE!?!

From Edward:

I'm just not going to say anything.

From Bella:

There's nothing you _can _really say to that, is there?

From Alice:

Oh, _i _could probably think of something.

From Emmett:

We'll do divorce rights later, right now were focusing on the problem at hand.

From Edward:

Yeah!

From Alice:

Huh.

From Emmett:

Look, just go and make a list.

From Alice:

Of what?

From Emmett:

Of the different types of cheese in the fridge.

From Alice:

We don't have any cheese in the fridge.

From Emmett:

Do you have to be so perdantic?

From Alice:

Yes.

From Jasper:

Huh, i should know.

From Emmett:

I told you, i haven't had time to compile divorce rights yet!

From Alice:

Well, get right on it then!

From Emmett:

I AM CURRENTLY DOING SOMETHING ELSE!

From Alice:

I KNOW YOU ARE!

From Emmett:

Oh, just go and list the different types of penguin in the back garden or something.

From Alice:

Penguins are not found in vampires back gardens.

From Emmett:

Oh, so your an ornithologist now?

From Rosalie:

No, she's not! I'm the ornithologist around here! Everybody knows that!

From Edward:

Excuse me, but can we get on?

From Emmett:

There's nothing else on the list really.

From Edward:

_Nothing_?

From Emmett:

Well, apart from being allowed to eat tortoises in the court room.

From Bella:

WHAT HAS A TORTOISE EVER DONE TO YOU!?!

From Emmett:

You weren't there at London Zoo!

From Rosalie:

No, but i was.

From Emmett:

You wouldn't...

From Rosalie:

Oh, i would.

From Emmett:

But _why_?

From Rosalie:

An ornithologist will do everything for their research.

From Emmett:

Huh?

From Rosalie:

NOT AGAIN!

From Bella:

THE HUH DISEASE!

From Rosalie:

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!


	22. THIS IS WAAAR! and who are mave and kat?

From Rosalie:

The huh disease is back!

From Bella:

And we cannot defeat it!

From Jasper:

Can't we just trash Emmett's phone?

From Rosalie:

It would be a very short chapter if we did.

From Bella:

Yeah. Go back to your ice cream.

From Alice:

This is for proffessionals.

From Bella:

Wait a second. You don't know what huh syndrome is.

From Alice:

YES I DO!

From Rosalie:

No! You weren't there!

From Alice:

It's nice to know how much faith you have in me. My own sisters...

From Bella:

What is huh sydrome then?

From Alice:

Err, i'll get back to you on that one.

From Bella:

What do you think Rose?

From Rosalie:

She can help. We need everything we've got.

From Bella:

We need more recruits!

From Alice:

ROOOOOOOOOOOLE CALL!

From Edward:

Do i want to know?

From Bella:

Are you here for the role call?

From Edward:

No.

From Bella:

Then go away. This is a role call only zone.

From Edward:

Oh, i am so sorry. I'll just go and sit in the corner like a good boy, shall i?

From Bella:

...

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE CALL!

From Edward:

Huh?

From Rosalie:

ARGH! HE'S BEEN CONTAMINATED!

From Alice:

Right! Evasive manouvers! Hand me the tortoise!

From Edward:

I'm not contaminated with whatever you think i'm contaminated with!

From Alice:

Phew! Close call!

From Bella:

Still, lets be on the safe side.

Commence stage one: Disenfection!

From Rosalie:

Bella, i know you got that from a Doctor Who episode.

From Bella:

So what! It's catchy!

From Rosalie:

I can't believe you like Doctor Who.

From Bella:

DAVID TENNANT IS SMEXYYYYYYYYYYYY!

From Rosalie:

Oh my god.

From Bella:

Back me up Alice!

Alice?

Alice?

From Edward:

Alice?

From Jasper:

Alice?

Alice!

ALICE!!!

From Rosalie:

NOOO! ALICE SYDROME!!!!

From Jasper:

Don't be stupid.

From Rosalie:

Aren't you meant to be, like, eating ice cream?

From Bella:

NOOO! EMMETT HAS KIDNAPPED ALICE!

From Edward:

Wait! I feel something coming...

From Mave:

ALICE! ALICE! WHERE ARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

From Kat:

STOP BEING AN ANNOYING LITTLE PIXIE AND LET US FIND YOU!

From Edward:

Who are _you_?

From Kat:

EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Mave:

OMIGOD ITZ YOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

From Kat:

I LUUUUUUUUUV YOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Edward:

Err, thanks?

From Mave:

I LUV YOU MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Kat:

ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL EDWARD?!?!?!?!

From Mave:

THERE'S NOTHING TO STEAL!!!! HE'S ALREADY MIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!!

From Kat:

POKERFACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Mave:

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS AND HURTS!!!!!!!!!

From Bella:

What the hell...

From Jasper:

And they say _were _crazy.

* * *

From Rosalie:

Are you here to help us?

From Mave:

Possibly.

From Kat:

Probably.

From Rosalie:

You don't know?

From Kat:

Well, it's like this.

From Mave:

We were minding our own business, right.

From Kat:

Looking for Alice, being innocent etc.

From Mave:

Then suddenly Reganmacneil comes out of nowhere and says, right, your going to be in my next chapter.

From Kat:

Then suddenly were in Twilight Texting Madness.

From Mave:

It was wierd.

From Jacob:

Yeah. Carazy.

From Mave:

ITZ JACOB BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!

From Kat:

I KNEW HE WAS REAL!!!!!!!!

From Mave:

ME TOO!!!!!!!!

From Kat:

IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE WHO DENIED HIS EXISTENCE!!!!!!!!!!

From Jacob:

O.K. Who are these people?

From Rosalie:

Their random people looking for Alice.

From Mave:

Yeah. Where is she?

From Rosalie:

She's not here.

From Kat:

Awwww maaaaaaaan!!!!!!!

From Mave:

We've lost her _again_!

From Kat:

Life is so unfair!!!!!!

From Mave:

_* sobs hysterically*_

From Kat:

_* also sobs hysterically*_

From Rosalie:

Errr, O.K.

From Mave:

WHHHHHHHYYYYY?

From Kat:

WHHHHHHHHHHYYYY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US ALICE?

From Mave:

WE NEEEEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Jacob:

Uh oh. Depressed people. Not my speciality.

From Kat:

I am _not _depressed!

From Rosalie:

Jacob! Now the poker wielding maniac is angry. Well done.

From Kat:

I am not a maniac!

From Mave:

Neother am i!

From Jacob:

But Rose. They look really sweet waving their little pokers around like that...

From Kat:

THAT IS IT!

From Mave:

YE!

From Rosalie:

I'm leaving now. Goodbye.

From Kat:

POKERFACE!!!!!

From Mave:

POKERFACE!!!!!!!!!

From Jacob:

OWWW! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!

From Kat:

Run Mave!

From Mave:

I TOLD YOU ALREADY! NEVER HIT A WEREWOLF IN BETWEEN HIS LEGS WITH YOUR POKER!!!!!


	23. da BOSS is da BOSSand thats FINAL!

From Jacob:

RIGHT! Where are they!

From Rosalie:

Who?

From Jacob:

The poker wielding maniacs!

From Rosalie:

We have several.

From Jacob:

Well...the human poker wielding maniacs.

From Rosalie:

Ah.

From Jacob:

They've dissapeared! Dang and smoldering frilly knickers!

From Alice:

FRILLY KNICKERS! EWWWWWW! SOOOOOOOOO UNFASHIONABLE!

From Bella:

Hey! I like frilly knickers!

From Alice:

Then your bad at underwear choosing!

From Bella:

Are you dissing my amazing frilly knickers?

From Edward:

DO NOT DISS HER SEXY FRILLY KNICKERS!!!

From Alice:

What? I don't get it.

From Edward:

Why?

From Alice:

How do you...?

From Edward:

You know.

From Alice:

EWWWWW!!!

From Jasper:

Oh thanks!

From Emmett:

HUH!

From Rosalie:

TMI!!!!!!!

From Jacob:

I have so many images in my head now!

From Bella:

Pervert.

From Jacob:

Did i say they were related to the subject?

From Bella:

They are though.

From Jacob:

They could be flying tigers for all you know! I could be thinking about rainbows and sunbeams!

From Bella:

But your not.

From Jacob:

Well, no.

From Bella:

Pervert.

From Alice:

Pervert.

From Rosalie:

Pervert.

From Jacob:

But i could have been!

From Bella:

What do you think girls?

From Alice:

Still a pervert.

From Rosalie:

Yep, pervert.

From Jasper:

He's a pervert.

From Bella:

I believe i asked all the girls Jasper. Are you a girl?

From Alice:

Don't answer that.

From Bella:

Yeah, good point. Forget what i just said.

From Rosalie:

I'm bored now i don't have anything to insult.

From Alice:

Me to90uibn8rt76xd.

From Rosalie:

Huh?

From Bella:

HUH DISEASE!

From Rosalie:

Shut up! I took my anti-huh pills five minutes ago!

From Alice:

_This persons phone has become unavailable. Please try again later._

From Rosalie:

That is wierd.

From Bella:

I wonder why that happened?

From Mave:

RUUUUN!!! RUN FROM THE PSYCHOPATHIC WEREWOLF TRYING TO DISMEMBER US!!!!

From Kat:

WERE TO YOUNG TO BE EATEN!!!!!!

From Bella:

Oh god, not you guys again.

From Jasper:

AHHHH!!! _* cowers in corner*_

From Mave:

OI!!!!

From Kat:

SOME PEOPLE MAY TAKE OFFENSE AT THAT AND HIT YOU VERY HARD WITH A POKER!

From Mave:

Good thing were not one of those people.

From Kat:

Mave, yes we are.

From Mave:

We are?

From Kat:

Read the script.

From Mave:

Oh, yeah.

From Jasper:

Can we get on please? I'm waiting for you to beat me around the head with a poker.

From Mave:

POKERFACE!

From Kat:

POKERFACE!

From Anna:

POKERFACE!

From Jasper:

Wait. Your not in the script!

From Anna:

I am now.

From Bella:

REGAN! YOU CANNOT KEEP ON ADDING RANDOM PEOPLE TO THE STORY!

From Regan:

And why not?

From Rosalie:

Because it's annoying.

From Regan:

So are you. All of you.

From Rosalie:

That's because were supposed to be annoying!

From Regan:

So are they. And leave Anna alone. She'll eat you if you're mean to her.

From Mave:

ARE YOU CALLING US ANNOYING REGANMACNEIL?

From Kat:

YOUR NOT THE BOSS OF US!

From Regan:

Err, yes i am. The contract says so.

From Kat:

Oh damnit.

From Mave:

Sorry Regan.

From Regan:

Just get on with it. Pretend i was never here. And look after Anna. She's new to this place.

From Anna:

AND I'M FIERCE!

From Edward:

Your short, blonde and irritating.

From Anna:

GRRRRR! I AM NOT IRRITATING! OR SHORT!

From Rosalie:

And that blonde is so a dye job!

From Anna:

I AM NATURALLY BLONDE!

From Rosalie:

Yeah, right.

From Anna:

Your the one that's fake blonde. You fake blondey vampire.

From Rosalie:

Why i outta...

From Jasper:

Now Rose. You know what Regan said about your anger management.

From Rosalie:

I know. Breath in, breath out.

From Anna:

And you've obviously had a nose job.

From Rosalie:

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Mave:

Actually, you have a point.

From Kat:

It does look a bit to straight.

From Rosalie:

I AM 100% REAL!

From Edward:

In your dreams.

From Rosalie:

EDWARD!

From Bella:

Umm, Anna?

From Anna:

What?

From Bella:

She's going to kill you in a second.

From Anna:

Regan told me to insult Rosalie as much as possible.

From Rosalie:

REGAN SAID THAT! REEEEEEGANNNNMACNEIL YOU GET HERE RIGHT NOW!

From Regan:

What do you want?

From Rosalie:

NOW LOOK HERE! I KNOW YOU LIKED THAT PAIR OF HEELS AND I'M VERY SORRY I TOLD EMMETT TO BURY THEM IN THE SAHARA DESERT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME I WAS A BITCH BUT THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

From Regan:

No, it's not.

From Rosalie:

YES IT IS!!! GETTING POOR INNOCENT, DUMB BLONDE ANNA TO DO YOU DIRTY WORK!

From Anna:

I AM NOT DUMB!

From Regan:

She's not you know. She goes to a grammar school.

From Rosalie:

THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!

From Regan:

Look, Rosalie. I'm the author, your a character. Do you want me to accidently change your personality?

From Rosalie:

Err, not really.

From Regan:

Possibly accidentally make you super gay?

From Rosalie:

HAIL REGANMACNEIL!

From Regan:

Thankyou. Now i'm going back to bed. And the next person who wakes me up dies. Horribly.

From Edward:

Wow. Wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her.

From Regan:

I heard that.

From Edward:

I meant your amazingly amazing in an amazing kind of way.

From Regan:

Good. Goodbye all.

From Edward:

Phew.

From Jacob:

Err, can we get on? Were supposed to be in the middle of a full scale poker battle here.

From Kat:

Oh, right. POKERFACE!

From Jacob:

AHA! POKERFACE RIGHT BACK!

From Mave:

POKERFACE RIGHT BACK AT YOU!

From Anna:

Hehe. I like it here.

**So, that was the new chappy. It came to me randomly one day. it was a thursday.**

**Anna is a real person who goes to BSG. She is my friend.**

**She is blonde. She is not irritating. She also doesen't eat people. I hope.**

**So, until next time...**


	24. COOOORY MONTEITH!

From Anna:

Soooooooo. What's happening now?

From Bella:

EDWARD! WHERE'S THE SCRIPT?

From Edward:

I don't know. Now shut up, i'm trying to watch Glee.

From Rosalie:

GLEEEEEEE!

From Anna:

GLEEEEEEEEEEE!

From Rosalie:

CORY MONTEITH!

From Alice:

OH MY GOD! CORY MONTEITH!

From Edward:

Shut up! I can't hear it!

From Bella:

You shut up. And move so we can stare at Cory adoringly.

From Emmett:

Rosalie! I thought we agreed to never ever look at Cory Monteith again?

From Rosalie:

Shut it.

From Jasper:

Haha! Emmett's second choice! Emmett's second choice!

From Emmett:

I AM NOT! Rose, tell him.

From Rosalie:

CORY IS SPEAKING! STOP DISTRACTING ME!

From Jasper:

HA! I'm not second choice, am i Alice?

From Alice:

GET OUT OF THE WAY! YOUR BLOCKING MY CORY VIEW!

From Emmett:

Ha!

From Jasper:

DAMN!

From Edward:

You are both so stupid and childish. I don't care who Bella has a secret crush on.

From Bella:

Really?

From Edward:

Sure! I'm the amazingly supportive super cool vamp husband!

From Bella:

Well in that case... I fancy Taylor Lautner, Cory Monteith, Tom Welling, Alex Pettyfer and Zac Effron.

From Edward:

WHAT!?!

From Emmett:

Ho ho! And you thought you were Bella's only interest! At least Rose only fancies Cory.

From Rosalie:

And Tom Welling. Oh, and Zac Effron.

From Alice:

HEY! WHAT ABOUT DAVID TENNANT? WE DIDN'T FORM THE DAVID TENNANT 4 LIFE CLUB FOR NOTHING, YOU KNOW!

From Bella:

Oh, yeah. David Tennant too.

From Edward:

I am disgusted!

From Jasper:

Me too!

From Emmett:

Absoloutely unnacceptable!

From Alice:

Are you dissing Cory?

From Rosalie:

Are you saying that the adorable Cory Monteith is unnacceptable?

From Bella:

Are you implying that your going to go and beat Cory up?

From Emmett:

Maybe we are!

From Edward:

Yeah! And Zac Effron!

From Jasper:

David Tennant is dead!

From Rosalie:

DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CORY!

From Bella:

STAY AWAY FROM ZEFFRON YOU MORONIC IDIOT!

From Alice:

I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU TOUCH DAVID!

From Anna:

War.

From Edward:

Who says you feature in this conversation?

From Anna:

Oh damn! JACOB! YOUR SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE SCRIPT!

From Jacob:

What? Oh yeah. I chucked it.

From Emmett:

You chucked the script?

From Anna:

Your supposed to come in and say at least there is one female not attracted to any of those stars and then i'm supposed to say i love Justin Bieber and then you go oh damn and then i say are you dissing Justin Bieber and then you say yes i am and then Bella says jb is amazing and then Alice agrees and then Rosalie warns me to stay away from her Justin and i say war and then your supposed to hit everyone with pokers.

From Jacob:

Wow. How long did that speech take to prepare?

From Anna:

I copy and pasted it off Regan's computer.

From Rosalie:

And i do not love Justin Bieber.

From Anna:

DO NOT DISS JUSTIN BIEBER YOU PLASTIC SURGERY ADDICTED BLONDE VAMPIRE ACORN!

From Bella:

That was a seriously cool insult.

From Alice:

Can i use it?

From Anna:

It's copyrighted.

From Alice:

AWW COME ON!!!

From Anna:

Fine.

From Alice:

Rosalie, it regrets me to say this but i think you are a plastic surgery addicted blonde vampire acorn.

From Rosalie:

Was that supposed to make me cry?

From Alice:

Cory Monteith hates you.

From Rosalie:

NOOO IT'S NOT TRUE!

From Bella:

It is. He said i'm sorry but tell Rosalie i hate her from her died blonde hair to her surgically sculpted toes.

From Rosalie:

Why is everybody obsessed with surgery?

From Anna:

It's part of the script.

From Rosalie:

GRR! REGAN! I HATE Y...

( Notice: The character Hale, Rosalie has been momentarily removed for genetic remodelling by order of Chairwomen Reganmacneil. She will be reassigned shortly.)

( Notice: The character Hale, Rosalie has been reassigned.)

Hello Eddie poo! How are you today?!

From Edward:

Err...

From Emmett:

What did you do to her Regan?

From Regan:

I modified her character to being away with the fairies. I'm leaving her as that for a few chapters as punishment to all of you for abusing the script, fighting and trying to claim Cory Montieth when he clearly belongs with somebody else who is not any of us.

From Rosalie:

Oh hiii Regan! How are you today my friendy woo?!

From Regan:

Just fine Rosie. I'll be back soon with all of your reports and academic overviews.

From Edward:

Acedemic overview chapter! Oh god! I completely forgot!

From Alice:

Me too! I haven't got anything to wear!

From Rosalie:

Ally pally roo roo! Let's play dressup! I'll be the flower fairy and you can be the ickle goblin trying to catch me!

From Alice:

WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU REGAN?!

From Regan:

Do you really want me to answer that?

From Alice:

Err, no.

From Regan:

Right then. Goodbye all! Anna, good job. Mave and Kat...where are they?

From Jacob:

AGHHH! SAVE ME!

From Regan:

Ahh, right. Over there. Hi guys.

From Mave:

Hi Regan! Have you seen Alice?

From Alice:

OH GOD! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

From Kat:

ALICE! I see her Mave! I see her!

From Alice:

Bye!

From Mave:

I thought i saw an Alice-vamp. I did i did i did see an Alice vamp!

From Kat:

Catch that vampire!

From Jacob:

Stupid poker wielding maniacs.

From Rosalie:

JAKEY WOLFY WOOOOOOOOOO!

**IT'S FINALLY FINISHED! OH MY THAT TOOK A LONG TIME!**

**Really sorry for the delay. I've been busy.**

**Hope you'll forgive me.**

**Love, Reganmacneil**


	25. NOTICE:ReAd ReAd ReAd U HAV BEEN ORDERED

Twilight Texting Madness: Notice

PS READ! READ! READ!!!

Academic review chapters are coming up.

To be conducted by: Reganmacneil and Louise777 ( AKA Anna).

The following characters shall be graded on commitment and attainment grades for various aspects:

Black, Jacob

Cullen, Alice

Cullen, Bella

Cullen, Edward

Cullen, Emmett

Hale, Jasper

Hale, Rosalie

Kat

Mave

Aspects are as follows:

Power

Socialness

Influence

Coolness

Intelligence

Personality

Contribution

Creativity

We will also be reviewing the progress everybody has made since chapter one, E.G Not prank calling people randomly or not mocking gay film producers anymore.

The academic review chapters are serious business people. It determines peoples future!!!

PSPS This is absoloute nonsense actually.

PSPSPS Anybody caught changing there grades will be locked in a room with Rosalie for an hour as punishment. You have been warned.


	26. Black, JacobThat was FUN lolevillaugh

From Anna:

Black, Jacob next please!

From Jacob:

NOOOO! Edward's next!

From Edward:

Am not!

From Jacob:

Are too!

From Edward:

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIIIIIIRE!!!!!!

From Anna:

Jacob, Regan says you have approximately two seconds to get in here before she locks you in a room with Rosalie and leaves you there for three days.

From Rosalie:

OOO! How exciting! Sleepover with Jakey Wolfy Pooooooo!

From Jacob:

Damnit.

From Edward:

FIIIIIRE!!!!!

From Jacob:

Shut up.

From Anna:

Insults shall not be permitted, by order of Head Chairwomen Reganmacneil.

From Jacob:

Well, you can go tell miss Regan too…

( _The character Black, Jacob has been removed for immediate disciplinary lessons, by order of Head Chairwomen Reganmacneil. This character shall be submitted again after he has thought about his actions._)

From Bella:

I hate it when that happens.

From Alice:

It's only happened once before with Rosalie.

From Rosalie:

What do you want Alicey girl?

From Alice:

Nothing.

From Rosalie:

EMMETT! ALICEY WOOWOO HATES ME! SHE DOESEN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE!

From Emmett:

Alice! What did you do!?!

From Alice:

Nothing!

From Anna:

Screaming hysterics shall not be permitted either.

From Rosalie:

Sorry Anna wanna poo.

From Anna:

You are forgiven.

( _The character Black, Jacob has been re-submitted! He has seen the error of his ways and has apologized after being persuaded by characters Mave and Kat_)

From Jacob:

I swear, one day I am going to enjoy beating those two to death as payback!

From Alice:

I don't see any difference. Your still a rude shape changing wolf thing.

From Jacob:

The _politically _correct term is Werewolf.

From Alice:

Since when did you know so much about politics?

From Jacob:

Since two minutes ago when I was being beaten up by two humans holding two very big pokers. I suddenly decided " Hey, I think I'll become a politician!" and lo and behold, I suddenly was one!

From Alice:

Wow! How strange!

From Jacob:

I know!

From Anna:

Sarcasm is also not permitted.

From Jacob:

Aww, come on!

From Anna:

It's only temporary.

From Edward:

PANTS ON FIIIIIRE!!!

From Bella:

Edward, as your extremely faithful wife who would never ever betray you except for that one time last week and the two times yesterday but they don't count, I'm telling you to _shut-the-hell-up _about your pants being on fire.

From Edward:

Not _my _pants. Jacob's pants.

From Bella:

Well in that case: Edward, as your extremely faithful wife who would never ever betray you except for that one time last week and the two times yesterday but they don't count, I'm telling you to _shut-the-hell-up _about Jacob's pants being on fire.

From Edward:

Shan't. It's fun and childish and you can't tell me what to do.

From Bella:

_EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP ABOUT JACOB'S PANTS BEING ON FIRE I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A TREE AND GET A DOG TO PEE ON YOU!!!_

From Edward:

Shutting.

From Anna:

Jacob, I have a note for you.

From Jacob:

Fire away Anna!

From Edward:

PANTS ON FIRE!!!

From Bella:

EDWARD!

From Edward:

Shutting again.

From Anna:

Regan says if you don't get in here now she'll rip your limbs off and get a mouse to eat them somehow, she'll explain how later, it's a plan in progress and oh yes Edward shut up about pants or she'll let Bella do what she wants and let a woodpecker peck you to death as well. Then it says good work Mave, Kat and Anna your all amazing unlike some people she will not mention at the moment though they can probably guess. Then it says love Regan.

From Emmett:

She scares me sometimes.

From Rosalie:

AWWW! Emmy puppy is scared! I know! Let's all sit down and tell eachother all our phobias and then he won't be scared anymore! YAY!

From Jacob:

Leaving now. Goodbye. Good luck. Happy slow decent into madness.

From Regan:

Now, a warning to you Jacob. Any funny business and you'll be confined in a cage so small that not even your hand could fit into it comfortably.

From Jacob:

Threat taken on board and carefully thought about for ten seconds.

From Regan:

That was unnecessary and childish.

From Jacob:

How exactly?

From Regan:

I'll figure it out later.

And no wisecracks about this whole review being conducted by text. It just is, O.K? The story is called Twilight Texting Madness for a reason. If it was meant to be spoken the story would have been called Twilight Speaking Madness. Which it isn't. So no wisecracking.

From Jacob:

Point taken.

From Regan:

Right. Anna, give me the details please.

From Anna:

Name: Black, Jacob. Gender: Male. Species: Werewolf.

From Regan:

You have the following grades, Jacob Black. Anna?

From Anna:

Power: Commitment, B. Attainment: B

Socialness: Commitment, C. Attainment: B

Influence: Commitment, B. Attainment: C

Coolness: Commitment, A. Attainment: A

Intelligence: Commitment, D. Attainment: F

Personality: Commitment, A. Attainment: B

Contribution: Commitment, B. Attainment: B

Creativity: Commitment, D. Attainment: D

From Regan:

Now. Power. Reasonable grades, yes, but could improve.

Socialness, well, you could do a lot better at socializing and being polite a little bit more. I feel you haven't really tried hard enough.

Influence: You have tried to influence a little, but your outcomes have not been great.

Coolness. Very impressive! Keep it up!

What do you have to say about these first four grades?

From Jacob:

Is socialness even a word?

From Regan:

I said _no _funny business!

From Jacob:

Or you'll put me in box so small I won't even be able to fit my foot into it comfortably?

From Regan:

If you had been _listening properly _you would have _known _that it was your _hand_.

From Jacob:

Wow, that was a _lot _of italics.

From Regan:

Was that meant to be funny?

From Jacob:

Not really.

From Regan:

Well good. Because it wasn't.

From Mave:

Do we get to beat him to death yet?

From Kat:

I'm bored.

From Anna:

No pokers permitted during academic reviews, but they are encouraged outside of them. So you can beat him to death afterwards.

From Jacob:

That is _not _fair!

From Regan:

It's still not funny.

From Jacob:

It wasn't meant to be.

From Regan:

Well good. Because it's getting old and really gay.

From Jacob:

Can we, like, get on?

From Regan:

I HADN'T FINISHED INSULTING YOU!

From Jacob:

Carry on then. Be my guest.

From Anna:

Sarcasm is still not permitted.

From Jacob:

Can you get the dumb and short blonde to shut up Regan?

From Regan:

No. Reason being, I like Anna more than I like you.

From Anna:

HAHA!

From Regan:

Because she's generally more amazing and not a stupid slightly gay werewolf thingy.

From Jacob:

I AM NOT A SLIGHTLY GAY WEREWOLF THINGY! YOU CAN STUFF IT MISS REGAN I AM SO SUPER!

From Mave:

Can we hit him _now_?

From Regan:

Yes.

From Kat:

YAY! MAVE AND KAT BEAT UP STUPID SLIGHTLY GAY WEREWOLF THINGY!

From Regan:

And that is one of the reasons you got an F in intelligence Jacob. You underestimate just how badly I will punish you.

From Anna:

That was fun.

Can we interview Justin Bieber now?


	27. 3,4,5,611 wait, that's not right

From Anna:

Alice! Your needed in the interview room!

From Alice:

Why?

From Anna:

You just need to be in the interview room, O.K.

From Alice:

Nu-uh. Don't _wanna._

From Jacob:

UMMM! ALICE IS BEING RUUUUDE!

From Regan:

Come on Alice, stop being an annoying little pixie thing from hell.

From Alice:

This from one of the craziest evil children in history.

From Regan:

Yeah, but I got better.

From Jacob:

ALICE IS BEING RUUUUUDE!

From Anna:

You are not authorized to speak at the moment.

From Jacob:

Why?

From Anna:

I don't know, Regan said so.

From Bella:

Why?

From Anna:

Because she just did.

From Emmett:

Why?

From Anna:

Err, because she felt like it at the time?

From Rosalie:

Why?

From Anna:

Just because!

From Jasper:

Why?

From Anna:

Stop texting why.

From Edward:

What?

From Regan:

That was neither funny nor clever in any way whatsoever Edward.

From Edward:

What?

From Regan:

O.K, seriously, it's not funny.

From Jacob:

How?

From Regan:

That was even less funny than the thing that was less funny than the not funny thing before it.

From Jasper:

Why?

From Regan:

Do you want me to beat you up? It can be arranged you know.

From Alice:

Why are they all saying weird stuff?

From The Doctor:

Well, I think it originated with Alice saying 'Why?' and then they all contracted some sort of disease.

From Alice:

Where did _you _come from?

From The Doctor:

Well, my Mummy and Daddy loved each other very much…

From Regan:

Go away.

From The Doctor:

NO! DON'T WANNA!

From Anna:

Your disgusting.

From Bella:

And gay.

From Alice:

Even gayer than Edward.

From Edward:

And that's pretty gay…wait, THAT'S ME YOUR TALKING ABOUT!

From Anna:

ALICE! GET YOUR SKINNY PIXIE BUTT IN THE INTERVIEW ROOM NOW!

From Alice:

_RIGHT!_

First of all, thank you for calling me skinny.

Second off all, don't be so rude.

And third of all, I don't _wanna!_

From Regan:

Alice, your not funny, your not clever and your not creative either because I _know _you stole that line from Miss Congeniality 2.

From Mave:

YA!

From Kat:

Copyright! BAD GIRL!

From Alice:

Go away.

Oh crap, it's you guys!

From Mace:

WE FOUND HER!

From Kat:

TRIUMPH!

From Alice:

Regan! I'm coming in now!

From Kat:

NOOOOOOooooooo….!

From Mave:

We lost her again! _* sobs uncontrollably*_

From Rosalie:

You guys do that a _lot_.

From Kat:

You don't understand the pain we're in at the moment!

From Mave:

What pain? I was only chopping an onion.

From The Doctor:

Ahh, now when you chop an onion your eyes react strongly with the fumes.

From Regan:

I thought I told you to go away?

From The Doctor:

I know, but I didn't listen.

From Regan:

Go away already!

From The Doctor:

If you could just think about this for a minute!

From Regan:

Oh, right.

Go away.

From The Doctor:

But I can bring intelligence to this fanfiction!

From Regan:

Well, when you put it like that…

Go away.

From The Doctor:

But I really could!

From Jasper:

ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT WE ARE WITHOUT INTELLIGENCE YOUNG MAN?

From The Doctor:

I'm older than you!

From Jasper:

Well…I'm more mature.

From Bella:

Don't lie. Lying is _bad._

From Jasper:

BUT HE'S SAYING THAT WE ARE WITHOUT INTELLIGENCE!

From Emmett:

Edward, what's 1+1?

From Edward:

Err, it's 3 isn't it?

From Rosalie:

NOOO! It's 4!

From Edward:

3!

From Rosalie:

4!

From Bella:

Your all wrong!

IT'S 6!

From The Doctor:

-Win-

From Jasper:

Damn you! You stupid clever alien! I hope you head drops off at an awkward moment!

From Edward:

Jasper, 1+1 is 3, isn't it?

From Jasper:

No, it's 4.

From Rosalie:

_TRIUMPH!_

From Bella:

Doctor, what's 1+1?

From The Doctor:

It's 2.

From Edward:

_No! _It's 3!

From Rosalie:

4!

From Regan:

Everybody shut up! I'm _trying _to conduct an academic review and your texting is blocking me from doing so!

From Jacob:

It's not 3 or 4 or 6 or 2!

IT'S 11!

From Regan:

JACOB BLACK! SHUT UP!

From Mave:

Yeah, Jacob!

From Kat:

So there!

From Jacob:

IT'S YOU TWO!

POKERFACE! TAKE THAT WERE-WOLF ABUSERS!

From Alice:

So! Let's get dis ofer vith, ja?

From Regan:

Stop trying to be funny. Your not.

From Alice:

I am avraid I do not know vot you are talking about.

From Anna:

REGAN! She's scaring me!

From Regan:

Don't worry. This is her normal behaviour.

From Anna:

Oh, I know. I was just trying to be clever and trick her into stopping because she thinks she's scaring me.

From Edward:

3!

From Rosalie:

4!

From Jasper:

5!

From Bella:

6!

From Jacob:

11!

From Edward:

You suck Jacob.

From Jacob:

WHY!

From Rosalie:

You broke the sequence!

From Bella:

God! Get it right Jacob!

From Emmett:

YEAH! Now I don't get to say: 8!

From Bella:

You've made him really upset!

From Emmett:

_*sobs in a pitiful way*_

From Rosalie:

You a meany-poo Jacob!

From Emmett:

_*collapses to the floor in despair and anguish whilst the lights dim and a invisible orchestra conveniently starts playing sad music*_

From Rosalie:

Don't overdo it.

From Regan:

STOP TEXTING! ALL OF YOU!

From Alice:

OUI! EET EEZ VERY ANN-OY-ING!

From Anna:

Regan she's scaring me again!

From Alice:

Fine, if your gonna be like that…

From Jacob:

She's always like that.

From Regan:

OUT! I MEAN STOP TEXTING! IGNORE THE OUT! IT DOES NOT EXIST!

From Anna:

Can we get on already! I want to interview Justin Bieber!

From Regan:

Sorry Anna, the vampires come first.

From Alice:

Really? Oh Regan! You're a really kind and loving person to text that!

From Regan:

I lied. Justin Bieber isn't available at the moment.

From Alice:

Oh. Forget I just texted what I texted.

From Regan:

Don't worry. I have.

So, moving on. Anna! Read out Alice's power grades please!

From Anna:

Power: Commitment A, Attainment A

From Regan:

Very impressive Alice!

From Alice:

YAY! I'M A POWERFUL PERSON, I'M A POWERFUL PERSON!

From Regan:

Alice. Never do that in my presence again.

From Anna:

Or mine.

From The Doctor:

Or mine.

From Regan:

GO AWAY!

From The Doctor:

Shan't.

From Regan:

That's childish.

From The Doctor:

I don't care!

From Mave:

Can we beat him up now?

From Kat:

PLEEEEEEZE!

From Regan:

In a minute.

From The Doctor:

Now if we could just discuss this for a minute!

From Regan:

Really?

From The Doctor:

Yes!

From Regan:

Go away before I shove your sonic screwdriver where the sun don't shine.

From The Doctor:

I'll be back!

From Anna:

Terminator quotes are not permitted in the interview room.

From Alice:

Err, can I go now?

From Regan:

Why?

What did you do?

From Alice:

Nothing! I take that as a personal insult!

From Regan:

No, you don't.

From Alice:

That's like, ancient Rosalie. Find a new thing that isn't from ten chapters ago.

From Rosalie:

No, I won't.

From Regan:

ROSALIE! GET OUT! I MEAN STOP TEXTING! PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR THE OUT! I MEAN SEE! THE HEAR DOES NOT EXIST EITHER!

From Alice:

Wow. That was _long._

From Anna:

COME ON! If Justin Bieber becomes available we'll still be stuck interviewing an annoying pixie!

From Alice:

I AM NOT A PIXIE!

From The Doctor:

But are you sure about that? _* wiggles eyebrows dramatically*_

From Regan:

GO AWAY BEFORE I RIP YOU STUPID EYEBROWS OFF YOUR STUPID FACE!

From The Doctor:

Humph. _* goes away and sulks in his TARDIS for the next hour*_

From Alice:

REGAN! I neeed too goooooo!

From Regan:

When we have finished the review! Be patient for once in your unfairly long life!

From Alice:

No, I really need to go!

From Regan:

Ah.


	28. PLEASE nO JoKeS fRoM Eddie EVER AGAIN!

From Alice:

WHERE'S THE TOILET!

From Edward:

Over there.

Let's look over…there!

From Bella:

I need to stop you watching Something Special. It's making you sound even gayer than usual.

From Edward:

You're a meany-meany-poo!

From Bella:

Well, you're a meany-meany-meany-meany-poo! HAH! That's twice as much meany-poo as me!

From Jasper:

Well, I think Alice is a meany-meany-meany-meany-meany-meany-meany-meany-poo! That's twice as much meany-poo as Edward and 4 times as much meany-poo as Bella!

From Bella:

Yes Jasper. You can do division. Well done.

From Jasper:

Huh. I'd like to see you try to divide 100 by 100 Miss Meany-meany-poo Bella!

From Bella:

One.

From Jasper:

No! HAH! IT'S THREE!

From Edward:

It's one Jasper.

From Jasper:

Damn.

From Emmett:

ROSIE! COME BACK! I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!

From Rosalie:

No. I'm not talking to you.

YOU'RE A WEE-WEE-MEANY POO!

From Alice:

SHUT UP ABOUT WEE! DO NOT MENTION THE WEE!

From Rosalie:

Why?

From Alice:

WHERE IS THE TOILET! I DEMAND THAT SOMEBODY TELLS ME NOW!

From Edward:

It's over…there!

From Alice:

Where?

From Edward:

THERE! I'M POINTING!

From Alice:

Edward. Your in the conservatory. I'm in the piano room. I CAN'T SEE YOU STUPID GAY VAMPIRE!

From Edward:

Oh.

Oh yeah!

From Rosalie:

I may just commit suicide again.

From Alice:

Too late! I hate you Edward. And now you can clean the floor as punishment.

From Rosalie:

YOU DIDN'T!

From Alice:

I'D JUST DRANK A HUGE BOTTLE OF COLA O.K!

From Bella:

Well, that was stupid. You know we don't react well to fizzy drinks.

From Anna:

…

Do I want to know?

From Edward:

No. Geddit?

From Bella:

Yes, well done.

From Edward:

_Know _and _no. _Y'see, know rhymes with no!

From Bella:

Yes Edward. We get it. Now shut up.

From Edward:

Hedgehogs; why can't they share?

From Rosalie:

Stop telling bad jokes or I'll force Alice to pee on your head.

From Edward:

Knock, knock!

From Rosalie:

Were ignoring you now.

From Edward:

Knock, knock!

From Alice:

Still ignoring you.

From Edward:

Knock, knock!

From Jasper:

Stop being gay!

From Alice:

YOU CAN'T TEXT THAT! THAT'S OUR THING!

From Kat:

Copyright!

From Mave:

BAD JASPER!

From Anna:

O.K, I'm just going to ignore you all now.

Isabella Cullen to the interview room please!

From Bella:

_Isa_bella Cullen is not here.

From Edward:

NOOOOO! My sweet pure Bella has disappeared! _* emo tears*_

From Bella:

No! NOT THE EMO THING AGAIN! TIS DOOM UPON US!

From Alice:

Back, emo, back! _* holds chair and whip in front of her*_

From Anna:

Sorry, Bella Cullen to the interview room.

From Bella:

Better.

From Edward:

Wait, so you lied to me Bella? _* more emo tears*_

From Rosalie:

JUST SHOOT ME AGAIN! PLEASE!

From Anna:

Certainly, fake blondy. Mave, Kat?

From Kat:

BANG!

From Rosalie:

Not literally! It was a figure of speech!

From Mave:

Spoilsport.

From Edward:

_*sinks into pit of emo despair once again because everybody is ignoring him*_

From Alice:

I preferred the jokes.

From Edward:

_*immediately comes out of emo pit* _

Knock, knock!

From Rosalie:

Were ignoring you again.

From Edward:

Knock, knock!

From Emmett:

Who's there?

From Bella:

EMMETT! WE WERE IGNORING HIM!

From Edward:

Gladys!

From Emmett:

Gladys who?

From Regan:

Bella! I'm getting sick of all you guys delaying! The next person who delays gets a spade shoved up the ass!

From Bella:

I'm coming.

From Regan:

And no interruptions from you lot or the pitchfork will have to be administered, and you don't want that, do you?

From Rosalie;

Yes please! It might actually kill me and I won't have to listen to Edward's gayness anymore!

From Alice:

Me too!

From Edward:

Gladys Friday and schools over for the week!

From Emmett:

THAT'S SO FUUUUUUNNNYYY! _* tears of laughter*_

From Rosalie:

_*takes pitchfork and attempts to shove it through her head*_

From Alice:

_*does same*_

_

* * *

_

From Regan:

ROSALIE HALE! PUT THAT CARVING KNIFE BACK IN MY KITCHEN THIS INSTANT BEFORE I SHOVE YOU OFF A CLIFF!

From Rosalie:

I appreciate your input but nope. Sorry. Tried it. Doesen't work.

From Regan:

…

What?

From Rosalie:

_*takes carving knife and attempts to chop her own legs off*_

From Regan:

GIVE ME THE CARVING KNIFE! NOW!

From Alice:

Rosalie! Hurry up! He's telling another one!

ROSALIE! PLEASE HURRY UP! I NEED THE KNIFE!

From Bella:

O.K, I'm _really _confused at the moment.

From Edward:

What bird is a letter?

From Emmett:

I don't know.

From Edward:

A 'J'!

From Emmett:

Hah! ROFL!

From Bella:

Ah. Confusion gone.

From Rosalie:

_*ditches now shattered carving knife and attempts suicide with more capable huge chainsaw*_

From Regan:

AND THE CHAINSAW! PUT IT BACK IN THE GARDEN SHED!

From Edward:

Teacher: Spell horse

Pupil: H-O-R-S

Teacher: Yes, but what's on the end of it?

From Rosalie:

Noooo! _* sobs*_

From Emmett:

What? WHAT!

From Jasper:

TELL US! PLEASE!

From Regan:

No, really don't.

From Edward:

Pupil: A tail!

From Emmett:

HAHA! YOU ARE SO FUNNY!

From Alice:

Rosalie! GIVE ME THE CHAINSAW!

From Rosalie:

_*sobs some more* _doesn't work.

From Edward:

The Eskimo song: Freeze a jolly good fellow!

From Emmett:

OMG! LOL!

From Jasper:

HAHAHAHAHA! HA!

HA!

From Alice:

_*grabs shattered chainsaw and repeatedly bangs what's left of it against her head in the hope of splintering her brain somehow*_

From Rosalie:

NOOOooooo….! GIVE IT BACK!

From Edward:

Wait, this is just the best joke ever!

From Jasper:

OMIGOD! SPILL!

From Rosalie:

ALICE! PLEEEEESEEE!

From Alice:

NOOOOO! MY BRAIN IS NOT SPLINTERED! DOOOOOOOM!

From Emmett:

Edward! Tell me the joooooooke! Pweeeeze!

From Alice:

It was nice knowing you Rosalie _* throws away shards of thing that was chainsaw and throws her arms around her sister*_

From Rosalie:

Same here, Alice_* also hugs her sister but minus the shards of chainsaw*_

From Edward:

What do you call a cowboy dinosaur?

From Alice:

And, if these are my last words…I'm sorry about the tortoise incident.

From Rosalie:

WHAT!

From Bella:

Ooo, this'll be good…

From Alice:

Bella's sorry to, she's just immune to her husbands gayness.

From Rosalie:

That's it! I'm sick of this place! I leave! _* walks off in a determined way*_

From Edward:

TYRANNOUSAURUS TEX!

From Rosalie:

GAAAAAARGGGGGG!

From Jacob:

What the _hell _is going on here?

From Alice:

Oh, Rosalie's head just exploded because Edward was telling bad jokes and causing us to attempt suicide with a chainsaw and a carving knife.

From Jacob:

…

From Bella:

I would just nod understandingly if I were you.

From Alice:

And Rosalie is also planning to leave because I told her Bella and I were responsible for the tortoise incident in the inflatable paddling pool.

From Jacob:

_*nods understandingly*_

From Bella:

Your getting the hang of it.

From Jacob:

Thankyou very much.

From Edward:

What do penguins eat?

From Bella:

Edward, shut up now.

From Regan:

Bella, stop texting and focus on the interview, please.

From Edward:

Iceburgers!

From Alice:

Right. That's it.

From Bella:

War.

From Rosalie:

Agreed.

From Jacob:

I thought your head exploded?

From Rosalie:

Sadly, yes. But I survived!

From Anna:

Regan says that Bella has to have her interview now or she'll do something really cruel and reasonably painful to her.

From Emmett:

Tell us more Edward!

From Rosalie:

EMMETT CULLEN! YOU ARE GROUNDED!

From Emmett:

Awwwwwwww…

From Rosalie:

No, the cute noises don't work on me.

From Jasper:

Who says he has to do what you want?

From Alice:

JASPER HALE! YOU ARE ALSO GROUNDED!

From Jasper:

Errr…

Awwwwwww…

From Alice:

Nope, it doesn't work on me either.

From Jasper:

Going dear.

From Emmett:

Also going dear.

From Edward:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

From Bella:

_*locks her husband in an underground vault for three days*_

From Regan:

OI! I don't want Edward in _my _underground vault for more than two hours at most!

From Bella:

_*locks her husband in an underground vault for one hour and three minutes*_

From Alice:

YAAAAY! CELEBRATION!

From Rosalie:

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!

From Alice:

Lets celebrate!

From Bella:

So, this review.

From Regan:

…

I'm just going to back slowly out the door and lock you all away from the rest of the world for it's own safety, if it's all the same to you.

From Mave:

Yeah!

From Kat:

You stupidly crazy, violent people!

From Mave:

Good thing _were _not crazy, right Kat?

From Kat:

Right!

From Jacob:

Right. It's payback time for you two…


	29. OMG IIIICEEE CUBEEESSS!

From Rosalie:

Helloe alle.

From Emmett:

O.K?

From Alice:

Hie Emmette.

From Bella:

Howe Youe?

From Edward:

Am i supposed to understand this?

From Bella:

YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE LOCKED IN A VAULT FOR ANOTHER

Wait a sec...

From Edward:

Waiting.

From Bella:

ANOTHER 3 MINUTES!

From Edward:

Two.

From Alice:

Threee.

From Jasper:

Four.

From Alice:

Whoe sayse youe featuree ine anye waye?

From Jasper:

God himself...

From Rosalie:

Youe talke toe muche crape.

From Jasper:

IT'S TRUE!

From Emmett:

EXCUSE ME! I DO NOT RECAll THE MIGHTY PILLOWCASE EVER CONVERSING WITH A LOW SPECIMEN SUCH AS YOURSELF!

From Alice:

Whate highe prieste Emmette saide!

From Rosalie:

Soe theree Mre Blasphemere Jaspere!

From Jasper:

O.K i'm pretty sure my name featured somewhere in that text, but i wasn't sure about the rest.

From Rosalie:

Whatevere.

From Jasper:

No, still not sure.

From Rosalie:

Ie don'te reallye caree. I'me waye abovee youe cose _i'me _speakinge ine supere coole olde englishe!

From Edward:

Otherwise known as gibberish plus lots of extra e's.

From Alice:

Wee don'te caree aboute whate you knowe, Edwarde.

From Rosalie:

Youe faile ate lifee ine generale.

From Edward:

At least i have the ability to text properly.

From Bella:

YOU STILL HAVE ANOTHER MINUTE! GET BACK IN THE UNDERGROUND VAULT NOW!

From Edward:

Why!

From Bella:

Becausee youe aree ine bige troublee.

From Alice:

Ande youe stille faile ase welle.

From Edward:

I'm not sure, but i _think _what you just texted had something to do with aces?

From Alice:

...

Youe sucke.

From Edward:

So do you.

From Rosalie:

Yeahe, bute she'se moree amazinge ate ite.

From Emmett:

Your confusing me again.

From Rosalie:

Youe sucke ase welle.

From Emmett:

STOP IT! STOP PUTTING E'S ON YOUR SENTENCES!

From Alice:

Noe.

From Emmett:

BUT IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME COMMIT SUICIDE!

From Rosalie:

Ande? Doe ie caree?

From Emmett:

Huh?

From Bella:

HUHE DISEASEE! EVASIVEE MANOUEVERESE!

From Emmett:

Huh?

From Rosalie:

WHATE ISE ITE WITHE EMMETTE ANDE THEE HUHE DISEASEE?

From Emmett:

Woo! What happened?

From Alice:

Thate wase ae closee onee.

From Rosalie:

EMMETTE! NEVERE WORRYE MEE SOE MUCHE AGAINE!

From Emmett:

O.K.

From Rosalie:

BUTE SERIOUSLYE WHATE ISE ITE WITH EMMETTE ANDE THEE HUHE DISEASEE?

From Emmett:

What?

Didn't get that.

From Edward:

That's because god hates you.

From Bella:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!

From Rosalie:

Gothe Alerte! Gothe Alerte!

From Alice:

_*drownse selfe ine gardene ponde*_

From Edward:

Seriously, stop texting in old English already.

From Bella:

Wee doe note take orderse frome stupide gaye gothse.

From Emmett:

YEAHE!

From Alice:

Staye oute ofe thise Emmette.

From Jasper:

Oh, so it's _exclusive _now, is it?

From Alice:

Yeahe.

From Jasper:

…

Oh.

From Alice:

Youe gote ae probleme?

From Jasper:

Err. No.

From Rosalie:

Youe suree aboute thate?

From Jasper:

Yes, completely and totally sure.

From Bella:

Bute aree youe reallye?

From Edward:

Bella, stop texting like an idiot or we get a divorce.

From Bella:

Soe? Doe youe seee mee cryinge? Ore caringe?

From Edward:

I'm hurt.

From Jasper:

Why? I've been trying to divorce Alice for ages.

From Alice:

Yeahe, soe havee Ie.

From Edward:

Oh god, I'm sorry!

From Rosalie:

Alicee! I'me soe sorrye! Wee hade noe ideae thate youe guyse weren'te gettinge alonge!

From Alice:

Ohe, weree gettinge alonge, wee juste wante a divorcee.

From Jasper:

It's fun.

From Edward:

Why?

From Jasper:

We get to marry again.

From Bella:

Ine thate casee, Edwarde, ie divorcee youe.

From Edward:

And I divorce you.

From Rosalie:

Emmette! Youe aree alsoe divorcede!

From Emmett:

So are you!

From Jacob:

And I divorce you Nessie!

From Renesmee:

Were not married, you idiot.

From Bella:

NESSIE! YOU HAVE A PHONE!

From Renesmee:

I've it had for ages.

From Edward:

Don't you take that tone with your mother young lady!

From Renesmee:

You suck.

From Jacob:

That's my girl.

From Renesmee:

So do you.

From Jacob:

Noooo! You don't mean it!

From Renesmee:

Yes, I do.

From Bella:

She's in teenager stage. Ignore her.

From Edward:

Bella! How could you?

From Bella:

Very easily.

From Rosalie:

Old English is boring.

From Alice:

Soooooo 16 texts ago.

From Emmett:

…

You counted?

From Alice:

Yeah.

From Emmett:

Do you have, like, a problem?

From Alice:

What exactly are you trying to say?

From Emmett:

Nothing.

From Rosalie:

I think you're implying Alice has OCD.

From Emmett:

May-be…

From Rosalie:

Well, i don't care what you imply anymore.

From Emmett:

WHY?

From Rosalie:

I'm leaving you to live with Jensen Ackles.

From Bella:

STAY AWAY FROM MY JENSEN!

From Alice:

NO! HE'S MINE!

From Rosalie:

MINE!

From Renesmee:

Umm, you do realise he's married, right?

From Rosalie:

Oh.

From Alice:

Well. Yeah.

From Bella:

An inkling, anyway.

From Emmett:

Thanks Nessie!

From Renesmee:

Whatever. Come on Jake, I want to go to Timbuctoo for a week.

From Jacob:

Yes dear.

From Jasper:

You're really getting the hang of married life, aren't you?

From Renesmee:

For the last time, we are not married!

From Rosalie:

Huh. Stupid Jensen Ackles. Married. HUH!

From Emmett:

It pains me to say this, but you'll have to stay.

From Jasper:

NOOOOOO!

From Edward:

LEAVE! PLEASE LEAVE!

From Emmett:

Don't be so cruel to Rosie!

From Jasper:

I'LL KILL JENSEN ACKLES WIFE FOR YOU!

From Rosalie:

Really?

From Emmett:

No, he won't. Will you Jasper?

From Edward:

I'LL DO IT INSTEAD! JUST LEAVE!

From Rosalie:

Well, if you would do it it would be a great help.

From Emmett:

FOR GODS SAKE YOU TWO! STOP TRYING TO TEMPT MY WIFE AWAY FROM ME!

From Alice:

Ex-wife.

From Bella:

You shouldn't forget things like that.

From Emmett:

NOT HELPING!

From Rosalie:

Don't worry Emmett, Jensen isn't right for me anymore.

From Emmett:

YES!

From Rosalie:

Jared is the one for me.

From Alice:

HEY! I ALREADY CALLED DIBS ON HIM!

From Bella:

STAY AWAY FROM JARED YOU HORRIBLE GROWTH OF HUMANITY!

From Renesmee:

Vampirism.

From Bella:

STAY AWAY FROM JARED YOU HORRIBLE GROWTH OF VAMPIRISM!

From Emmett:

Rosalie! Please!

From Rosalie:

Go away.

From Emmett:

Alice! Stop her!

From Alice:

_*ignores her annoyingly gay and whiny vampire brother*_

From Emmett:

GUYS!

From Edward:

Err, I gotta go and…decorate the toilet.

From Jasper:

I gotta go and make purple cheese ice cubes.

From Emmett:

COWARDS!

From Jasper:

OMIGOD DO NOT DISS THE ICE CUBES!

From Alice:

YEAH EMMETT!

From Bella:

GO AWAY AND LEAVE US AND OUR ICE CUBES ALONE!

From Emmett:

Sooo…unloved.

From Rosalie:

EMMY BEAR!

From Emmett:

ROSIE! YOUR BACK!

From Rosalie:

Jared… rejected me.

From Edward:

NOOOO!

From Jasper:

OUR ONLY CHANCE TO GET RID OF HER!

From Alice:

Oh good, now I get Jared all to myself.

From Bella:

How can you be so insensitive?

From Alice:

Sorry Rose.

From Rosalie:

It was so horrible. He told me I was a fake character in a book series!

From Emmett:

HOW DARE HE!

From Bella:

Aww, don't worry, you can come and make ice cubes with us.

From Rosalie:

Your such a good friend Bella. I never doubted you.

From Bella:

Yes you did.

From Rosalie:

…

Having hysterics here?

From Bella:

Youre the best friend ever too!

From Alice:

Hey!

From Bella:

You smell of purple cheese.

From Alice:

That's cause I just made purple cheese ice cubes.

Duh?

From Bella:

Good point.

From Emmett:

So, what do you want to do Rose?

From Rosalie:

PURPLE CHEESE ICE CUBES! OMIGOD! MY FAVOURITE!

From Emmett:

Alas, I remain…

So…unloved.

From Jasper:

OH MY GIDDY GOD! EMMETT JUST DISSED MY ICE CUBES AGAIN!

From Emmett:

NO I DIDN'T!

From Edward:

Whatever Bro.

From Alice:

We here by arrest Emmett Mcarthy Cullen in accordance to the code of the AICPA!

From Emmett:

The AICPA?

From Rosalie:

Abused Ice Cubes Protection Agency.

From Emmett:

Ah.

From Rosalie:

AND NOW…

I HERE BY SEND YOU TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE YOUR X-BOX AWAY!

From Emmett:

YOU MAY TAKE MY FREEDOM BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY X-BOX!

From Rosalie:

_*takes x-box*_

From Emmett:

Damn.

**OMG I AM MAJOR MAJOR SORRY FOR BEING A RETARDED NON-UPDATER! I'LL TRY TO POST THE NEXT SOON!**


	30. shoehorns et gaga equals crazyfrog?

From Emmett:

OMG! OMG OMG OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

From Edward:

Err...

From Emmett:

I have discovered the answer to the evolution of life itself!

From Alice:

OMIGOD! SO HAVE I!

From Emmett:

NOOOOO! I WAS FIRST!

From Alice:

Oh sorry, i thought you were talking about how you had noticed how gay you were.

From Emmett:

...?

From Rosalie:

Hi peepy vamp friend things!

From Edward:

Excuse me?

From Rosalie:

I texted Hi peepy vamp friend things.

From Bella:

For your information Hale, i have never peepeed in my entire life!

Apart from that one time two weeks ago.

And the other times.

And the times before that.

Just forget i texted anything.

From Rosalie:

O.k?

From Emmett:

STOP IGNORING ME!

From Alice:

_* ignores Emmett*_

From Bella:

_* ignores Emmett*_

From Jasper:

_* continues making blue cheese ice cubes*_

From Emmett:

AHHH! BLUE CHEESE! AHHHHH!

From Alice:

DO NOT DISS THE ICE CUBES!

From Jasper:

WE'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE!

From Emmett:

Pleese! i need to tell you my discovery!

From Rosalie:

And i need to go and shoot myself.

From Emmett:

STOP BEING CRUEL!

From Bella:

Nuh-_uh!_

From Alice:

Oh he did _not_

From Rosalie:

That is it, Emmett. You are sooo deader than you already are.

From Emmett:

What did i say?

From Edward:

Emmett! You idiot! You just tried to give the three most terrifying females in the world an order!

From Jasper:

You are so busted man! _* continues making ice cubes anyway*_

From Emmett:

Help me! This is no time for ice cubes!

From Rosalie:

DON'T DISS THE ICE CUBES!

From Alice:

THIS IS YOU'RE LAST WARNING!

From Bella:

OR _**ELSE!**_

From Emmett:

ARGH! BOLD _AND _ITALICS!

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!

From Jasper:

Ice-cube, anyone?

From Alice:

Maybe later. Right now we're busy preparing to torture Emmett.

From Jasper:

I made them low-fat.

From Bella:

AWWW! Soooo sweet!

From Rosalie:

Go on Alice! Just one!

From Alice:

Well, O.K.

From Emmett:

Oh, come on! Seriously? You can all be pacified by a blue cheese ice cube? That's really sad!

From Bella:

_THAT IS THE FINAL STRAW!_

From Rosalie:

_YOUR ICE-CUBE DISSING DAYS ARE OVER!_

From Alice:

AND THEY ARE **_LOW FAT!_**

From Edward:

Ahhh! Bold!

From Jasper:

ITALICS!

From Edward:

UNDERLINED!

From Jasper:

CAPITALS!

From Edward:

EXCLAMATION MARKS!

From Jasper:

BEN 10!

From Edward:

...

Ben 10?

From Jasper:

I was bored.

From Emmett:

O.K, first of all there was only bold, italics and capitals. Second of all, i am now in Timbuctoo so Rosalie can't do what she threatened to do to me 5 months ago and third of all, BEN 10 RULES!

DON'T DISS BEN 10 EDWARD CULLEN!

DON'T DO IT OR I'LL DROP A UNICORN ON YOUR HEAD!

From Edward:

Wow, i am so scared.

From Emmett:

YOU SHOULD BE!

From Edward:

Nah. Bella's already done it to me. Twice.

From Jasper:

Ouch.

From Edward:

I forget to wash her favourite plastic sceptre after Emmett used it to dig for hedehogs.

From Bella:

AND IT'S STILL DIRTY! GET IN THE GARDEN NOW EDWARD AND WAIT FOR ME TO FETCH THE UNICORN!

From Edward:

Alas, i must accept my punishment.

From Rosalie:

HAHA! GOTCHA EMMETT!

From Jasper:

You flew to Timbuctoo?

From Emmett:

Err, when i said i'd gone to Timbuctoo, that wasn't tecnically true...

From Jasper:

Oh?

From Rosalie:

He wrote WELCOME TO TIMBUCTOO on an old pink blanket and hid behind it.

From Alice:

HEY! GIVE ME MY FAKE TIMBUCTOO BACK!

From Jasper:

Ah ha! So that's what you do when you say you've gone on holiday!

From Alice:

I DO WHAT I NEED TO SURVIVE!

From Rosalie:

Whatever.

Sooo...Emmett. It's time to feel the wrath of...

LADY GAGA!

From Emmett:

NOOOO! PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!

From Rosalie:

Nah.

From Bella:

Oh cool, Alejandro.

From Alice:

Emmett! Stop screaming so we can hear it!

From Emmett:

PLEEEEEZE MAKE IT STOP! I'LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE THE SCARY BLONDE WIERDO GO AWAY!

From Edward:

Off you go then, Rosalie.

From Rosalie:

Excuse me!

From Edward:

Oh, you meant Lady Gaga, didn't you?

From Jasper:

It's an easy mistake to make.

From Edward:

True.

From Bella:

GET BACK INTO THE YARD AND WAIT FOR THE UNICORN!

From Edward:

Sorry. Going.

From Jasper:

Do you want a shoe-horn?

From Alice:

Jasper, i told you this two day ago. Nobody cares about your shoe horns.

From Jasper:

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!

From Alice:

Go away.

From Emmett:

ARGH!

MUST-STAY-CALM!

MUST-DISTRACT-SELF!

From Rosalie:

I feel really kinda evil suddenly.

From Alice:

You'll get used to it.

From Bella:

Yeah. It's the kind of good feeling you get when you have just sqaushed your husband with a green unicorn.

From Edward:

Which said husband does _not _appreciate.

From Bella:

It'll be a pegasus next time if you want to be rude to me.

From Edward:

NOOOOOO! NOT A PEGASUS!

From Bella:

A silver one.

From Edward:

NOT A SILVER ONE!

From Bella:

With purple stripes.

From Edward:

_* sobs hysterically and hides in the treehouse*_

From Emmett:

MUST-THINK-OF-CRAZY-FROG!

RING DING DING DING DING DING RING DING DING DING DINGDINGDING RING DING DING DING DING DING RING DING DING DING BABA!

From Rosalie:

CRAZY FROG! HAND ME THE CAN OF DE-CRAZY FROG OBSESSION SPRAY!

From Emmett:

BING BING!

From Alice:

ARGH! THIS IS WORSE THAN JASPER'S SHOE HORNS!

From Jasper:

So misunderstood...

From Alice:

You'll get over it.

From Emmett:

Wah...what happened? I think i blanked out there for a minute.

From Rosalie:

YOU'RE CURED! HOORAY!

From Jasper:

I know what we should do!

From Bella:

What?

From Jasper:

We should throw a shoe-horn party!

From Alice:

_* beats her husband to death with his own shoe-horns*_


	31. Authors NotePegasus?

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL TWILIGHT TEXTERS OUT THERE!

TWILIGHT TEXTING HAS ENTERED A NEW AGE!

THE AGE OF…THE JAGUAR!

Joking. I was just writing to apologize for not updating practically all summer and to point out that there are now more than thirty chapters after I post this one up.

So, it's goodbye for about two seconds until you turn over to the next chapter from…

From Alice:

MEEEEEEEE!

From Jasper:

Her lesser husband.

From Alice:

To right.

From Edward:

THE AMAZINGNESS THAT IS MOI!

From Bella:

Go away and do something useful.

From Edward:

Going.

From Bella:

Bye everyone for now.

From Rosalie:

BYE! I LUV YOU GUYS EVEN THOUGH I THINK I'M KINDA DRUNK!

From Edward:

I TOLD YOU TO STOP STEALING MY SECRET STASHES OF SUSPICIOULY HIGH ALCOHOL CONTECT JELLY BABIES LAST WEEK!

From Bella:

RIGHT! THAT'S IT! PEGASUS TIME!

From Edward:

Nooooo!

From Alice:

HAHAHA!

From Jasper:

Bella! How can you be so cruel!

From Bella:

ARGH!

From Alice:

HIPPY ALERT!

From Rosalie:

Why are there five Jaspers in the room?

From Alice:

NOOO! FIVE HIPPY JASPERS!

From Bella:

Run!

From Jasper:

Don't leave me with Edward! He's been mentally unbalanced via Pegasus!

From Edward:

PEGASUS? WHERE!

From Jasper:

WAIT FOR ME!

From Emmett:

Hi bro! What I miss?

From Edward:

Pegasus. So. Terrifying.

From Emmett:

I had to ask.


	32. Emmysamazingretardedmatchsoap

From Alice:

Hihihihihi!

From Rosalie:

Woo! Your more hyperactive than usual all of a sudden!

From Jasper:

She took happy drugs.

From Rosalie:

Ah.

From Alice:

Happy drugs?

From Emmett:

Wouldn't be the first time.

From Alice:

Excuse me, but _last time_ it was cherryade ice-pop overload if I remember _correctly_.

From Emmett:

…

I knew that.

From Alice:

Whatever. I'm not on happy drugs anyway. I gave them up yesterday.

From Edward:

Then what are you chewing right now?

From Alice:

Wait…you can't see me.

From Jasper:

Errr…

From Alice:

YOU GAVE EDWARD THE PASSWORD TO MY PERSONALIZED SPY SURVELLIANCE SYSTEM!

From Jasper:

YOUR ON HAPPY DRUGS!

From Alice:

I'm not. I'm chewing a rice crispy cake.

From Bella:

Then why is it bright pink like your happy drugs are?

From Emmett:

HEY! GIVE ME MY EXPERIMENTAL RICE CRISPIES BACK!

From Alice:

No. It's yummy.

From Rosalie:

Don't worry Emmy. It's O.K.

From Emmett:

But there mine!

From Rosalie:

Now, now, don't go all sulky on me!

From Emmett:

It's not fair!

Edward ate my experimental cupcakes last week!

From Edward:

Ugh.

From Bella:

So _that's_ why you had a rainbow tongue for five days.

From Jasper:

You ate some cupcakes?

You do realise that were not supposed to eat, right?

From Edward:

Rules are made to be broken.

From Bella:

And Esme had to clean up mysterious puddles of rainbow liquid around the house for days as well.

From Edward:

Let me rephrase. Rules are made to be broken at the expense of bladder control.

From Emmett:

And Jasper stepped in my experimental dog food!

From Rosalie:

He was really cut up about the dog food.

From Alice:

Wow. Sad.

From Jasper:

Was that what it was? I thought someone had poured mashed up seaweed on the floor.

From Bella:

Well, technically yes…

From Jasper:

OH GOD! I STEPPED IN GREEN DOG FOOD _AND_ MASHED UP SEAWEED?

From Bella:

I was extremely bored that day.

From Emmett:

And somebody ate my experimental baked beans this morning!

From Rosalie:

Ah. That may have been me.

From Bella:

And me.

From Alice:

And me, but I'm not proud of it!

From Emmett:

YOU LIE!

From Alice:

No I don't. I have a stomach ache at the moment.

From Bella:

Look Emmett. We're all really sorry about ruining your experiments, but isn't it time you took something else up?

From Emmett:

Like what?

From Edward:

Knitting?

From Rosalie:

No. We tried that, remember?

From Edward:

I try not to.

From Alice:

What do you think, Jasper?

From Jasper:

_*washes foot feverishly*_

From Alice:

THAT'S IT! PEDICURES!

From Emmett:

No, that was boring. I mean, you didn't even have any pink nail varnish.

From Alice:

That's because you used it to experiment with something.

From Bella:

Oh god.

From Rosalie:

Err, Alice?

From Bella:

Those rice crispy cakes…

From Alice:

OH MY GOD! I ATE MY OWN NAIL VARNISH!

From Jasper:

Ha ha! Alice ate nail varnish!

From Alice:

Shut up, seaweed foot.

From Jasper:

_*scrubs foot even more*_

From Emmett:

I wouldn't use the soap if I were you.

From Rosalie:

Oh. Yeah.

From Edward:

Oops.

From Bella:

Ah, crap.

From Alice:

I don't know how to break this to you gently, but…

From Jasper:

Why exactly do I smell burning?

From Emmett:

Well, you see, the thing is…

From Rosalie:

We were all really bored…

From Edward:

You went out to buy Alice a new fairy costume because you had spilt orange ice-cream on it…

From Jasper:

That wasn't my fault!

From Edward:

Excuse me, but are you the one who is telling the story?

From Jasper:

No.

From Edward:

Exactly.

From Jasper:

Well, carry on. But seriously, why can I smell burning?

From Bella:

And we had lots of flammable things on hand for some reason…

From Rosalie:

Though why Carlisle would leave anything remotely flammable round after Bella's accident with Tanya's hair is beyond me.

From Bella:

Who says it was an accident?

From Edward:

That was funny. Especially when she was bald for ages.

But anyway, Emmett decided to experiment with the soap…

From Emmett:

And I kinda turned it into a soap bar/match.

From Jasper:

So large amounts of friction causes it to set alight?

From Emmett:

Yeah.

From Jasper:

Like say, feverish scrubbing?

From Bella:

Most likely.

From Jasper:

So, my foot, is in fact, on fire?

From Alice:

It looks like it.

From Jasper:

Oh, great.

From Rosalie:

But, look on the bright side, at least the experiment worked!

From Emmett:

Yeah!

From Edward:

You could be witness to an amazing discovery, Jasper!

From Emmett:

Ye! Mine!

Fom Rosalie:

Oh my! I knew I doubted you before Emmett, but this is very good news!

From Emmett:

Wait…you doubted me?

From Edward:

Wow, look at that flying pig! How interesting!

From Emmett:

You too?

From Edward:

Not as such.

From Emmett:

What about you Bella?

From Bella:

Err, would you mind a teeny weeny lie?

From Emmett:

Out with it!

From Bella:

Well, I kinda lost faith after the potato fueled chopstick war machine.

From Alice:

I agree. It was around that time that I lost faith as well. And part of my sanity.

From Rosalie:

No, I thought we agreed you lost your sanity after you walked in on Bella and Edward.

From Edward:

We are never going to mention that ever again.

From Bella:

Seconded.

From Emmett:

WHY DOES NOBODY APPRECIATE MY CHOPSTICKS?

From Rosalie:

Do you want a list?

From Emmett:

Ummm.

No thanks.

From Alice:

To late! I have made a grand list!

From Bella:

Let us hear it, Alice.

From Alice:

I am no longer Alice! I am now Alice the Mighty List-Maker of Timbuctoo!

From Edward:

Are you obsessed with Timbuctoo?

From Alice:

You just cannot fully appreciate the beauty of Timbuctoo Edward. You never have.

From Bella:

Yeah, Timbuctoo rules.

From Rosalie:

So there.

From Emmett:

FINE! TELL ME THE LIST!

From Alice:

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME PROPERLY OR THE LIST SHALL BE LENGTHENED CONSIDERABLY!

From Emmett:

Out with it Alice the Mighty List-Maker of Timbuctoo!

From Alice:

Honestly, what I have to do to get respect these days…

Anyway, this is the grand list of 'Reasons Why Emmett's Chopsticks are Generally Retarded'.

From Jasper:

EXCUSE ME BUT MY FOOT IS ON FIRE HERE!

From Emmett:

Ah, you'll get over it!

From Bella:

I mean, it's not like it lasts for more than a couple of hours.

From Rosalie:

Seriously, some people are just so ungrateful nowadays.

From Jasper:

…

Would it be totally innapropriate to murder you all right now?

From Alice:

Yes.

From Jasper:

Just curious.


	33. DON'T MESS WITH DA NOTEZ!

From Bella:

I hate bubblegum.

From Emmett:

No! It's not true!

From Bella:

It is the bane of my life.

From Emmett:

Stop it! That's a horrible thing to say!

From Bella:

It's stupid.

From Emmett:

JASPER! EDWARD!

BELLA DISSED BUBBLEGUM!

From Edward:

How could you Bella? My own wife…

From Jasper:

You're a _very bad _ person!

From Alice:

Wrong. You're_ very_ _gay _people for caring.

From Rosalie:

At all.

From Alice:

Besides, it is stupid, anyway.

From Rosalie:

Yeah. It's sticky.

From Emmett:

Oh no, they did not.

From Edward:

Oh yes, they did.

From Jasper:

You girls are going to get what's coming to you.

From Bella:

…

Should we be scared?

From Edward:

You'll be sorry!

From Emmett:

It's time to reunite our club against you!

From Rosalie:

_*ignores sad threats from the gay men of the family and has an ice-cream sundae*_

From Alice:

_*goes on holiday to her fake Timbuctoo*_

From Bella:

_*listens to music whilst looking appropraitely non-scared*_

From Edward:

Err, Emmett, you promised they would be cowering in terror.

From Emmett:

Wait for it…

From Alice:

So, do you wanna go shopping for a new penguin today, guys?

From Bella:

Nah, I was thinking of a new panther this time.

From Emmett:

Wait some more…

From Rosalie:

Oh cool! Can I name him Chandler Bing?

From Bella:

I'm just not sure that name would match the other animals.

From Rosalie:

What are the other animals names?

From Alice:

I think they're Ross Gellar, Joey Tribbiani, Rachel Green, Monica Gellar and Phoebe Buffay.

From Rosale:

Ah, I see your point.

From Emmett:

Just a while longer…

From Edward:

They're not scared, are they?

From Jasper:

Ah, never fear, my brothers! We shall use our plan!

From Bella:

Oh that plan.

From Alice:

It's sad.

From Bella:

And gay.

From Rosalie:

Errr…

From Bella:

OMG ROSALIE! WE HAVE PRACTICED THIS A MILLION TIMES!

From Rosalie:

It's pointless.

From Emmett:

You don't know what we're planning.

From Alice:

Oh yes, we do.

From Emmett:

Oh, go on then. What is it?

From Alice:

You plan to trick us into going to Splashdown in Tower Park in England with you and then your going to embarrass us by getting us into embarassing situations. One of them involves a large orange rhinoceros and one involves Edward making Bella fall off her rubber ring on Mississippi Drifter. Those are the only ones I can discern for now.

From Emmett:

…

It was a pink rhino.

From Jasper:

So there!

From Alice:

Stop being gay or I'll force you to marry me again.

From Jasper:

Luuurv yoooo….

From Edward:

Whatever Alice. We are way cooler than you and we are going to beat your club at everything!

From Bella:

So you can do your makeup better than us?

From Edward:

OFCOURSE!

Errr, I didn't mean that.

From Bella:

-win-

From Edward:

I don't care. I'm more mature than you!

NANANA! I'M MORE MATURE! NANA!

From Bella:

You call that mature?

From Rosalie:

We're superior Edward. Get over it.

From Emmett:

RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH! WE ARE GOING TO SPLASHDOWN TOMMORROW AND WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING THEN!

From Rosalie:

That sounded incredibly cliché and stupid.

From Jasper:

HAHAHA! WE CAN DO CLICHÉ BETTER THAN YOU!

From Alice:

You don't know who your messing with, Jasper Whitlock Hale.

From Jasper:

O.K. You win that round.

From Emmett:

But we'll be back!

From Rosalie:

Wow. Terrifying.

From Alice:

I quiver with fear.

From Emmett:

You shall regret the day you messed with the Fluffy Bunny Club!

From Edward:

What?

From Emmett:

SOMEBODY'S MESSED WITH MY SPEECH NOTES!

From Alice:

Guilty. Well, not really.

From Jasper:

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!

From Alice:

Do you take Alice Cullen…

From Jasper:

I still luuuuurv yooooo…

From Emmett:

The girls will pay for being so much more amazing than us!

From Edward:

WHAT!

From Bella:

Also guilty.

From Emmett:

How dare you change my speech notes!

THE GIRLS SHALL PERISH IN…lavender bubble bath complete with cute rubber ducky?

From Rosalie:

I added the rubber ducky part.

From Alice:

I know. Nice touch.

From Emmett:

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FLAMING PITS OF HELL!

From Jasper:

YE! HOW DARE YOU FIDDLE WITH EMMETT'S FLAMING HELL PITS!

From Alice:

Here comes the bride…

From Jasper:

Shutting up.

From Alice:

When will you ever learn?

From Edward:

Don't worry Emmett, I have a backup.

THIS IS THE DAY WE WITNESS ALICE, BELLA AND ROSALIE BEAT US AT ABSOLOUTELY EVERYTHING!

From Bella:

A.K.A every single day ever.

From Edward:

You befiled my speech! YOU EVIL PERSON!

From Bella:

Now, now, let's not be personal here or the pegasus will have be administered again.

From Edward:

Pegasus. Silver. Purple. Pegasus. Doom. Is. Upon. Us.

From Bella:

You have been warned.

From Emmett:

We may have failed before, but we will probably fail again because we are sad and gay and pointless!

From Jasper:

This is just a guess, but I think that bits been messed with.

From Alice:

You're getting better everyday.

From Jasper:

EMMETT! SHE PATRONIZED ME!

From Emmett:

YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE, BUT YOU WILL NEVER LOSE THE OTHERS BECAUSE EMMETT IS OUR LEADER AND HE IS MORE USELESS THAN ATHENIAN HONEY AND monty python ( WITHOUT CAPITALS) PUT TOGETHER!

From Rosalie:

Notice the "without capitals" bit.

From Emmett:

I told you before! Monty Python is a genious and should be celebrated daily with CAPITAL LETTERS!

From Rosalie:

And I told you before: I don't give a damn about monty python (without capitals) or whether you worship him or not.

From Emmett:

I DO NOT WORSHIP HIM!

From Bella:

Then why did we find a customized monty python (without capitals) altar, sacrificial knife, ceromonial font, ceromonial flame and holy book in your wadrobe last Friday?

From Emmett:

…

That could be anything.

From Rosalie:

But it was in fact the monty python (without capitals) ceromonial altar that I threw into the trash three weeks ago that you tore apart the entire local recycling centre looking for.

From Emmett:

That was an unfortunate accident.

From Rosalie:

Is it?

From Emmett:

Possibly.

From Alice:

So you won't mind if Rosalie lets me feed it to Joey Tribbiani our pet woodpecker then?

From Emmett:

NOOOO! BAD WOODPECKER! BACK, AWAY!

From Rosalie:

So, you not only destroyed my favourite recycling centre but you also kept a secret from me for three weeks?

From Emmett:

It could be a possibility…

From Bella:

Oh yeah, and I got Edward to get Emmett's diary. It reads 'note to self: remember not to tell Rose that I destroyed her favourite recycling centre and now have my Monty Python altar back'.

From Emmett:

And I thought we were best friends Edward…

From Edward:

Pegasus. Falling. Onto. Head. Threats. Really. Scary.

From Jasper:

HEY! IT SAYS IN HERE THAT YOU THINK JASPER IS A SUPER GAY HIPPY/FILMAKER!

From Alice:

GIVE ME MY DIARY BACK!

From Jasper:

Oh, wrong diary.

From Alice:

YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO WEDDING BELLS AT THE MOMENT JASPER!

From Jasper:

Runaway!

From Rosalie:

Well, Emmett, admit your crimes!

From Emmett:

NEVER!

From Rosalie:

ADMIT YOU ARE GUILTY OF LYING AND VANDALISM OF RECYCLING CENTRES!

From Emmett:

WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP, BECAUSE WE ARE EXTREMELY STUPID LIKE ATHENIAN HONEY!

From Bella:

Hehe.

From Emmett:

Athenian honey?

From Rosalie:

ADMIT!

From Emmett:

BURMA!

From Rosalie:

Don't change the subject.


	34. RUN! DOOM! PACKING! VACCUUM CLEANER!

From Emmett:

Gather round club! Today is the day of reckoning!

From Alice:

A.K.A the fourth time you hope you're going to get one over on us and will probably end up failing miserably this week.

From Emmett:

But today will be different!

From Bella:

I hate to break it to you, but you said that the last 52 times.

From Alice:

54.

From Bella:

I tried to forget the smarties and the fish fry for my own sanity.

From Alice:

Good idea.

From Emmett:

Oh yeah? So you think you can predict the future, Miss Predictey Futurey Alice Cullen?

From Alice:

…

I'm going to try and pretend you never said that.

From Edward:

DOH! EMMETT!

From Emmett:

I FORGOT O.K!

From Bella:

Your going to begin a long speech about how horrible we are.

From Rosalie:

Then your going to lay down your plans and say encouraging words.

From Alice:

Then you'll lose, give a really boring speech about how tommorrow is a new day and curse us into some version of hell.

From Emmett:

YOU'RE _WRONG_! HA!

From Rosalie:

__

*gives Emmett her 'I know your lying' Look*

From Emmett:

O.K, there were some slight similarities…

From Rosalie:

__

*taps foot menacingly*

From Edward:

He will never give in to you!

From Bella:

Edward, tell us if that was Emmett's plan or not.

From Edward:

Never!

From Bella:

I love you. More than anything.

From Edward:

Then prove it by leaving me be!

From Bella:

Edward.

From Edward:

What?

From Bella:

Purple and silver pegasus.

From Edward:

I. Surrender.

From Alice:

Tell us all we need to know.

From Emmett:

DON'T DO IT EDWARD!

From Jasper:

BE STRONG!

From Alice:

Jasper.

From Jasper:

What?

From Alice:

I have two words: stripy sloths.

From Jasper:

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

From Emmett:

Edward! All my life I have been your friend and you betray me like this! You have to be strong!

From Edward:

Yes! Your right!

From Rosalie:

Uh oh. He's trying to be righteous again.

From Alice:

Urgh. I thought he'd finished doing that after the 33rd time.

From Edward:

I cannot let you horrible girls bully me! I am a strong man!

From Bella:

The pegasus is nearing…

From Edward:

At. Your. Service. Beloved. Wife. Of. Mine.

From Rosalie:

Thank god we've finally found a way to stop it.

From Bella:

So, Edward. Tell me everything.

From Edward:

You. Are. All. Right. About. The. Speech.

From Emmett:

NOOOOOOO!

From Alice:

-win-

From Emmett:

That's it! I don't want to have to do this, but it's time we went to Splashdown!

From Bella:

Oh cool, just let us pack and we'll be ready.

From Alice:

An actual holiday! Instead of a pink blanket! Hooray!

From Rosalie:

Right. Checklist for packing guys.

From Emmett:

Errr, you're all supposed to cower in corners.

From Alice:

I'm bent over trying to find my blue scarf in Jasper's lego box if that counts.

From Jasper:

LEAVE MY LEGO ALONE! IT DOESEN'T HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT!

From Alice:

Yes it does. My scarf which I have just found wrapped around a lego robot like a dress.

From Bella:

You play dressup, Jasper?

From Jasper:

Only in times of dire need.

From Alice:

Well, whatever. I suggest that you all make a packing checklist and get packing, then we'll regroup for a pack-check.

From Emmett:

But…this isn't fair! YOU SHALL NOT COWER IN TERROR FROM MY WRATH BECAUSE I AM EMMETT AND I SUCK AT EVERYTHING!

From Rosalie:

Hehehe.

From Emmett:

I told you to stop altering my speech notes!

From Alice:

Just pack Emmett.

From Emmett:

Fine. But i won't be back because I am going to go and play Barbie!

STOP MESSING WITH MY NOTES!

From Edward:

I've finished packing. Here's my list.

From Alice:

O.K. Do you have trousers?

From Edward:

Yes.

From Alice:

Hair gel?

From Edward:

Yes.

From Bella:

Hair gel? Seriously?

From Edward:

Ye. It smells of lavender.

From Bella:

Excuse me, but i think i have to go and beat myself to death with the vaccuum cleaner.

From Jasper:

NOOO! NOT MY SPECIAL VACCUUM CLEANER!

From Bella:

_*beats herself to death with sparkly pink portable vaccuum cleaner*_

From Jasper:

MY VACCUUM CLEANER! NOOOOOO!

From Alice:

Pink?

From Jasper:

No. _Sparkly pink _with Cory Monteith's autograph on it.

From Bella:

OMG! COOOORY!

From Rosalie:

GIMME THE VACCUUM CLEANER!

From Alice:

IT'S MINE! I INHERIT IT!

From Jasper:

No you don't.

From Alice:

And why not?

From Jasper:

I haven't died yet.

From Alice:

Your already dead.

From Emmett:

Well so are you, wobble-head!

From Alice:

It must be all the brain inside it.

From Rosalie:

Which is one problem you don't have.

From Alice:

Nice one.

From Emmett:

...

You smell of cinammon cookies.

From Bella:

YES! THE VACCUUM CLEANER IS MIIIINE!

From Rosalie:

NOOO! I GOT DISTRACTED TAUNTING EMMETT!

From Alice:

DAMN YOU EMMETT!

From Bella:

Nana i got the vaccuum cleaner _*dances about waving pink and sparkly vaccuum cleaner boastfully*_

From Jasper:

Err, can i have it back please?

From Bella:

NO! IT'S MINE NOW!

From Jasper:

I'll give you a huge Cory poster.

From Bella:

I've already got one.

From Jasper:

What about a Cory screensaver?

From Alice:

We've all got that.

From Jasper:

JUST GIVE ME BACK MY BABY! I NEED MY BABY!

From Bella:

Stop trying to steal Cory from me Jasper, or i'll impale you on a huge rubber duck.

From Emmett:

He is not scared of your pitiful rubber duck!

From Jasper:

Yes i am!

EDWARD! RUNAWAY! THEY'VE GOT RUBBER DUCKS!

From Edward:

AHHH! RUN EMMETT, THEY'VE GOT RUBBER DUCKS!

From Jasper:

NEVER FEAR, MY PINK SPARKLY SLIGHTLY STRANGE SMELLING PLASTIC VACCUUM CLEANER LOVE! I'LL BE BACK TO SAVE YOU WHEN I'VE FINISHED COWERING IN THE CORNER!

From Alice:

Edward, you still need to check your properly packed.

From Edward:

I DON'T CARE! THERE'S A RUBBER DUCK ABOUT!

From Bella:

Fine. Don't come crying to me when you've forgotten your underwear.

From Edward:

Umm. This is awkward.

From Bella:

You did remember underwear, right?

From Edward:

Not exactly...

From Bella:

GO AND PACK YOUR UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW!

From Edward:

BUT THE RUBBER DUCK WILL EAT ME!

From Rosalie:

Don't worry about him. He's on a leash.

From Alice:

For now. Muhahahaha...

From Edward:

RUNAWAY AGAIN! HE'S OFF THE LEASH!

WARNING TO JASPER: THE RUBBER DUCK IS OFF THE LEASH!

From Jasper:

TIS DOOM UPON OUR KIND!

From Emmett:

Rubber duck, i wish you into hell.

From Rosalie:

You've said that before.


	35. Author NoteARGH IM BEING EATEN BY PANDAS

fans fans fans.

im a bad person.

I will be updating all my stories this month.

Vampires, Skeletons will be updated first, followed by Midnight Girl and then Book of Merlin. Then it will be Deadly Game. None others have been confirmed at the moment.

Reganmacneil


	36. Corrfeee et holyTOFFEEE!

From Alice:

Die Edward. Just die.

From Edward:

No! I refuse!

From Rosalie:

DIIIIIEEEE!

From Edward:

YOU DIE!

From Bella:

Holy toffee chews!

From Alice:

Bella, we're in the middle of ordering Edward to die!

From Bella:

HOLY TOFFEE CHEWS! _*hyperventilating*_

From Rosalie:

This had better be worth it Bella.

From Emmett:

Your toffee chews are not holy, Swan

From Jasper:

Ye! Go and trip and break your nose on a hedgehog!

From Emmett:

You don't know what were talking about, do you?

From Jasper:

Errrrrr...holy toffee chews?

From Emmett:

Damnit

From Alice:

Lucky guess

From Jasper:

Your faith is small in size, young Padowan

From Alice:

No, your brain is.

From Rosalie:

Ka-ching!

From Jasper:

Alice.

From Alice:

What?

From Jasper:

**I AM YOUR FATHER**

From Bella:

Ahem.

From Alice:

O.K, lets just recycle back to the point before Jasper began texting

From Bella:

HOLY TOFFEE CHEWS! _*hyperventilates*_

From Edward:

OMG WHAT IS WRONG BELLA MY LURRRV?

From Rosalie:

DIIIIE ALREADY!

From Edward:

Don't wanna!

From Rosalie:

_*gets lots of coffee at drowns Edward in it*_

From Bella:

Errr...

HOLY TOFFEE CHEWS!

From Emmett:

You already texted that!

From Jasper:

Ye! Go and break your nose a bit!

From Emmett:

You still have no idea what were talking about, do you?

From Jasper:

Bella texting about holy toffee chews again?

From Emmett:

DAMN YOU TO RUBBER DUCKY HELL JASPER!

From Alice:

Lucky guess

From Jasper:

**I AM YOUR FATHER**

From Alice:

...

Stop trying to be interesting

From Bella:

O.K, i have holy toffee chewed a million times and i will actually stab myself with a butter knife if i have to do it again.

From Rosalie:

Butter knife?

From Bella:

It's a living

From Edward:

MMMmmmmm...CCCCoooooFFFFeeeeee...

From Emmett:

AHH COFFEE MONSTER!

From Alice:

OMG HIIIIDE!

From Bella:

OH MY GAWDDDDD!

From Edward:

CCCCOOOOrrrrrfffEeEeEe Goooooo...d

From Rosalie:

Nooooo have mercy on the souls of the low fat cappucinos with extra froth!

From Edward:

FfRRRRROOooo...thhh GOOOOOOODdddd...

From Emmett:

What have the caramel fudge peanut mochas with mini marshmallows ever done to you?

From Alice:

You know what? We should not stand for this. Our coffee needs protecting.

From Bella:

Your right! But, OMG HOLY TOFFEE CHEWS _*stabs self with butterknife* _first please.

From Rosalie:

Alright, what is it?

From Jasper:

**YES WHAT IS IT? I AM YOUR FATHER**

From Alice:

Just stop it. Now. You are shaming Star Wars and Hayden Christensen.

From Bella:

So i was looking in the fridge for my spare rifle to shoot Emmett with for being silly and immature when i found the most shocking thing ever.

From Alice:

OMG OMG

From Emmett:

_*holds breath*_

From Bella:

I FOUND A HOT CHOCCICLE!

From Edward:

HOOOoooTtTt cccH...O..OOOOcOllLaaaa...Teeeee GOOooOOd..dd

From Emmett:

AGH NOOO THE COFFEE MONSTER! QUICK ALICE, THE SECRET WEAPON!

From Alice:

I didn't want to have to do this Edward, really i didn't, but it has to be done.

From Jasper:

**EDWARD I AM YOUR FATHER**

From Edward:

Brain-dead-brain-dead-must-kill-self-

From Jasper:

What did i say?

From Emmett:

I am so sorry Edward, but it was for your own good.

From Edward:

kill-self-kill-self-butterknife-needed-

From Bella:

OI! Get your filthy hands off it!

From Alice:

YEAH!

From Rosalie:

GET HIM!

From Jasper:

You know i like my Darth Vader voice.

**I AM YOUR FATHER**

From Darth Vader:

**NO. _I _AM YOUR FATHER**

From Jasper:

Do i know you?

**omg omg omg omg rarrrghhh i am so sorry its been years! YEARS!**

**Love Reganmacneil**


	37. FoRkS war PAN and Jasper

From Emmett:

Eat frying pan, Alice!

From Alice:

NEVER!

From Jasper:

I would join but i am a pacifist

From Rosalie:

HIPPY! _*beats offending hippy up with frying pan*_

From Jasper:

Nooooo have mercy on my soul

From Bella:

Break his phone!

From Alice:

Yeah!

From Emmett:

Don't worry, we'll save you bro!

From Edward:

Get away from him you evil witches!

From Jasper:

My glorious brothers, come to save me! BLESS YOU!

From Emmett:

...

BREAK HIS PHONE!

From Alice:

Ja, das ist outnumbered Jasper!

From Rosalie:

Why are you German?

From Alice:

Das nicht any clue whatsoever.

From Jasper:

What kind of German was that?

From Alice:

It was a special kind for amazing people.

From Rosalie:

UNLIKE YOU!

From Jasper:

WAAAAAAAAA YOU ARE SOOOOO CRUEL TO ME! _*sobs uncontrollably*_

From Edward:

Awwwwwwww

From Emmett:

Awww, come on Alice. Have mercy on the poor ickle blond vampire.

From Alice:

_*hits Jasper with frying pan really hard for being a wimp*_

From Regan:

Errrr, O.K...

From Bella:

REGAN!

From Regan:

Just coming over here to tell you that we have a special guest star this chapter.

From Rosalie:

OMGOMGOMG

From Edward:

OMG IS IT SANTA?

From Bella:

EDWARD WE HAVE HAD THIS DISCUSSION A MILLION TIMES!

From Edward:

SANTA IS REAL!

From Bella:

HE IS NOT!

From Alice:

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?

From Emmett:

I'M SICK OF YOU SETTING UP CCTV ON CHRISTMAS EVE!

From Rosalie:

I HATE HAVING TO THANK SANTA FOR HIS KINDNESS EVERY YEAR!

From Edward:

NON-BELIEVERS! I CAST YOU OUT!

From Jasper:

Err, what are you talking about?

From Regan:

O.K, the first person to knock Edward unconcious gets a free poker.

From Alice:

_*wacks Edward with a frying pan*_

From Emmett:

DAMNATION!

From Regan:

Looks like Alice has won. Again.

From Bella:

OMGOMGOMGOMG CELEBRITYYYYYYYY!

From Edward:

Everytime there is a guest star...

From Bella:

Shut up santa boy

From Edward:

HE'S REAL!

From Alice:

_*hits Edward with frying pan again*_

From Edward:

HAAH! MISSED ME MISSED ME!

From Jasper:

Now Edward, you should not taunt your sister so.

From Edward:

_*hits self with Alice's frying pan*_

From Regan:

Basically, it's like this. The first team to knock the entire other team unconcious gets to meet the guest star first.

From Bella:

Bagsy Alice and Rosalie.

From Emmett:

Hey! That means im left with an unconcious bro and-

From Bella:

I'm so sorry Emmett, but it has to be this way.

From Emmett:

...

Jasper.

From Jasper:

Coool! We can be the Pretty Pacifists!

From Emmett:

_*knocks self unconcious with frying pan*_

From Rosalie:

We win.

From Jasper:

I'm still CONCIOUS! HAHAHAHA!

From Alice:

_*beats annoying hippy husband over the head repeatedly with poker*_

From Jasper:

Im StIlL HeRe

From Bella:

Ooooo impaired texting!

From Jasper:

nO eVeN WiTh An ImPaIrEd PhOnE i WiLl StIl-

(This phone is now broken. Please text Jasper Hale later. We apologize for the inconvenience.)

From Emmett:

What inconvenience?

From Bella:

DIE EMMETT DIE!

From Edward:

Haha! We are now concious again!

From Alice:

GRGH ALICE POKER RAGE!

From Emmett:

RETREAT RETREAT! POKER RAGE!

From Bella:

AFTER THEM!

From Rosalie:

Wait, poker?

From Alice:

Ye.

From Bella:

ODD ONE OUT! _*points finger accusingly*_

From Alice:

I use a poker now. Pokers are cool.

From The Doctor:

COPYRIGHT!

From Alice:

RARGH PAN RAGE!

From Bella:

Better.

From The Doctor:

Ummmm...

SONIC SCREW DRIVER RAGE!

From Bella:

Go away.

From Emmett:

Right Eddie, we've gotta win! This means planning, preparing and striking! First, we wait outside the kitchen for them to come out.

From Edward:

And then we hit them with frying pans! MUHAHAHA!

From Jasper:

May i suggest a less violent approach?

From Emmett:

No.

From Jasper:

Perhaps we should ward them off with garlic?

From Emmett:

OMG GO AWAY!

From Jasper:

Right! I have to prove myself to you!

From Alice:

JASPER IN THE KITCHEN! GET HIM!

From Rosalie:

GRRRRRRR PAN RAAAAAAGE!

From Jasper:

Hey Alice, the celebrity is outside.

From Alice:

YAY!

From Bella:

WOOO!

From Rosalie:

Lead the way Jasper!

From Jasper:

Nuh uh. Ladies first.

From Alice:

Off you go then.

From Bella:

Or are you to SCAREDY CAT?

From Jasper:

NO!

From Emmett:

WACK! I GOT ONE!

From Edward:

That's Jasper!

From Emmett:

Your point?

From Edward:

Fair enough.

From Bella:

CHARGE!

From Edward:

TAKE THAT!

From Jasper:

Head-hurting-lots-

From Alice:

PAN RAGE HIT HIT HIT BOYS

From Rosalie:

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!

From Emmett:

GARGHHHH I SMITE YOU!

From Anna:

It's only me guys.

From Regan:

May i present Anna, my brand new co-author!

From Alice:

GARGH POKER RAGE PAN PAN HIT HIT MUST KILL!

From Anna:

It's good to be back :)

**Its good to be writing again. The idea for Jasper getting knocked out and the guest star competition was due to my brilliant new co-author. Yes, it's true.**

**And now, an exclusive preview of the next chappy!**

From Bella:

OMG BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER!

From Rosalie:

JUSTIN WE LOVE YOU!

From Alice:

Bieber suuuuuuks!

From Bella:

_*breaks down into tormented and disappointed tears*_

From Rosalie:

NON-BELIEBER!


	38. POKER justinbieber FACE!

From Emmett:

Heehee

From Jasper:

What?

From Emmett:

i've had a cunning idea_*twirls fake moustache cunningly*_

From Rosalie:

MOUSTACHE!

From Emmett:

NOT AGAIN! YOU ARE NOT STEALING MY BABY AGAIN!

From Rosalie:

MOOOOOOOOSTACHE!

From Bella:

THROW IT TO MEEEEEE!

From Emmett:

JASPER! AS A SENIOR VAMPIRE I ORDER YOU TO GET MY MOUSTACHE BACK!

From Jasper:

I'm older than you.

From Emmett:

_*throws his brother off a very high cliff*_

From Jacob:

OMG I'LL SAVE YOU JASPER!

From Jasper:

goodbye Edward. I love you...

From Jacob:

HOLD ON BUDDY!

From Jasper:

What happened? I think i blanked out for a second...

From Jacob:

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? YOU COULD HAVE DIIIIED!

From Regan:

NO MORE NEW MOON! THAT IS AN ORDER!

From Rosalie:

Nana you can't catch it Emmett

From Emmett:

WAAAAA MY BABY!

From Regan:

And the moustache does not feature in this chapter! IT'S OLD! Can't you find some new jokes?

From Edward:

You're the writer.

From Regan:

Just...get on with it.

From Emmett:

Fine. I didn't want to have to unleash my evil plan so early on, but it has to be done.

From Alice:

Oh my god this is lame...

From Emmett:

WORLD WAR FRIDGE NOTES SHALL NOW COMMENCE!

From Regan:

Oh my god...i just give up. I'll write shakespeare instead...

From Edward:

Hey, look! It says that we have a Ballet recital in ten minutes!

From Emmett:

Thank god for the notes on the fridge!

From Alice:

Quick! If you go now you might get there in time!

From Edward:

Thanks Alice!

From Alice:

OMG you'd think that Emmett would win the first battle of his own war.

From Rosalie:

OMG JUSTIN BIEBER IS COMING TO VISIT OUR DOWNSTAIRS TOILET AT TEN OCLOCK!

From Bella:

OMG BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER!

From Rosalie:

JUSTIN WE LOVE YOU!

From Alice:

Bieber suuuuuuks!

From Bella:

_*breaks down into tormented and disappointed tears*_

From Rosalie:

NON-BELIEBER!

From Alice:

He suuuuuuuuuuuuks!

From Bella:

NO! RAAAAAA!

From Alice:

HE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKS!

From Rosalie:

NOOOOOOOOO!

From Bella:

DIENON-BELIEBERDIEDIEDIE!

From Alice:

It's a trap! Don't you see?

From Rosalie:

ITS TEN O'CLOCK OMG OMG JUSTIN!

From Bella:

OOOOOOO-MMMMMM-GGGGGG!

From Alice:

O.k, OMG is getting old now.

From Rosalie:

WERE COMING JUSTIN!

From Alice:

NOOOOO! ITS A TRAP!

From Rosalie:

GET OFF ME ALICE!

From Alice:

NEVER! I WILL NOT LET YOU BE BLACKMAILED!

From Bella:

DONT WORRY ROSALIE I'LL GET HIM!

From Alice:

No!

From Bella:

GEEEEEET OFF MEEEEEE!

From Alice:

CONTROL YOURSELVES! POKERFACE!

From Rosalie:

HOW DARE YOU STRIKE ME WITH YOUR POKER!

From Alice:

POKERFACE!

From Rosalie:

POKERFACE!

From Bella:

RAAAAAARAAAAA!

From Rosalie:

RAAAARAAAA!

From Edward:

So-much-pink...

From Jasper:

So-much-glitter...

From Emmett:

Must-kill-self...

From Alice:

GET BACK GUYS! THEIR GOING CRAZY!

POKERFACE!

From Bella:

RAAAAARAAAGRRRRRRARGHHH JUSTIIIINNN!

From Edward:

It's Bieber Fever!

From Emmett:

RUN! ITS NOT SAFE AROUND THEM ANYMORE!

From Alice:

POKERFACEPOKERFACEPOKERFACE!

From Bella:

BIIIIIIEEEEEBBBBEEEEERRRRRR!

From Rosalie:

JUUUUUSSSSTIIIINNN!

From Emmett:

RUN RUN RUN THEY'VE GONE CRAZY!

From Jasper:

You have to let them go Alice!

From Alice:

POKERFACE NO WAY POKERFACE!

From Jasper:

THEY'LL KILL YOU!

From Rosalie:

GRRRRRRRRAAAAARGGGGG!

From Jasper:

WE HAVE TO SAVE ALICE!

From Edward:

Why?

From Jasper:

...

Good point.

From Alice:

POKERFACE!

POKERFACE!

POKERFACE!

From Rosalie:

KIIIIILLLLLL NOOON-BELIEBER...

From Bella:

KIIIILLLL THE NOOON-BEEELIEBER...

From Regan:

SHUT UP!

From Rosalie:

JUSTIIIINNNNNN! WE NEEED JUUUSTTIN!

From Regan:

Fine!

From Bella:

Really?

From Regan:

If it'll shut you up i'll get to him to come onto to this stupid story and be a guest star for you stupid vampires.

From Justin Bieber:

Hi, girls.

From Bella:

_*faints*_

From Rosalie:

_*faints*_

From Regan:

There you go, neutralised.

From Justin Bieber:

Can i go now?

From Rosalie:

NOOOO! YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE!

From Bella:

_*kidnaps Justin Bieber*_

From Regan:

Oh for gods sake! I bring Justin Bieber on the story once and he gets kidnapped!

From Alice:

Thank god he's gone.

From Regan:

No, he's in the basement. Their going to keep him there forever.

From Alice:

NOOOOO!

From Emmett:

Oh great, i'll never see my wife again.

From Edward:

And you're sad about this why?

From Emmett:

Well...you got me.

From Bella:

Sing sing sing!

From Justin Bieber:

Errr, O.K...

From Rosalie:

_*hyperventilates*_

From Justin Bieber:

Baby, baby, baby oooh

From Alice:

MUST KILL JUSTIN BIEBER!

From Justin Bieber:

Baby, baby, baby oooh!

From Bella:

_*faints*_

From Rosalie:

_*faints*_

From Alice:

POKERFACE! POKERFACE!

From Justin Bieber:

HAVE MERCY!

From Alice:

NEVER! _*beats annoying teenage popstar over and over again with heavy iron poker*_

From Regan:

STOP IT!

From Alice:

Why?

From Regan:

Because...

From Justin Bieber:

I'm cute?

From Regan:

...

I'll think of an reason in a minute.

From Alice:

POKERFACE!

From Justin Bieber:

THIS WASN'T IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION!

From Emmett:

It never is.


	39. pandaspurplerevisers diseaseWHAT?

From Rosalie:

I DEMAND MATERNITY LEAVE!

From Bella:

Your not pregnant.

From Rosalie:

Yeah-well-I WANT IT ANYWAY!

From Regan:

You can't go on fake maternity leave.

From Rosalie:

And why not?

From Anna:

Because it's Twilight Texting Exam Week.

From Jasper:

NOOOOOO!

From Emmett:

NOOOOOOOOO!

From Alice:

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

From Edward:

err..

From Bella:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

From Edward:

Oh, right.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

From Rosalie:

NOOOOOOO...maternity leave!

From Anna:

Damn straight! Now, the register!

From Rosalie:

Nooooo maternity leave!

From Anna:

Shut up.

From Rosalie:

No maternity leave!

From Anna:

SHUT UP!

From Rosalie:

Nooo-

( _This phone has been temporarily destroyed by Anna. Sorry for the inconvenience.)_

From Jasper:

What! Rosalie was my revision partner!

From Bella:

What? You actually revise?

From Jasper:

errr...no...

From Emmett:

OMG REVISERS DISEASE!

From Alice:

KILL MY HUSBAND BEFORE HE INFECTS US ALL!

From Edward:

You know, revising might actually be an idea.

From Alice:

INFECTED!

From Bella:

EMERGENCY! PURPLE ALERT!

From Anna:

Purple alert? Really?

From Rosalie:

It's O.K everyone, im back, no need to go into purple alert.

From Jasper:

Reviiiisse roooosaliiiie...

From Rosalie:

REVISERS DISEASE NOOOOOO...

From Anna:

Oh come on! What the hell!

From Emmett:

RUN ANNA! BEFORE IT'S TO LATE!

From Anna:

I don't know why i took this job, i really don't.

From Rosalie:

SAVE ME FROM THE REVISERS DISEASE!

From Emmett:

DON'T WORRY ROSIE I'LL SAVE YOU!

From Bella:

NOOO EMMETT ITS A TRAP!

From Edward:

reeeeviiiiseeee Emmeeeeett...

From Emmett:

NO!

From Alice:

They've got Emmett!

From Bella:

QUICK! HAND ME THE POKER!

From Alice:

CHARGE!

From Anna:

Revisers disease-poker-charge-OMG I GIVE UP!

From Jasper:

NO EXAMS YES!

From Alice:

WOOOOOOOO!

From Edward:

But...i wanted to do exams!

From Bella:

...?

From Edward:

It's educational and vital for our futu-

( _This phone has been accidentally destroyed maliciously by Alice Cullen, Bella Cullen, Jasper Hale, Rosalie Hale and Emmett Cullen. Sorry for the inconvenience_)

From Emmett:

Why does it always apologize?

From Regan:

OMG! STOP BREAKING PHONES ALREADY!

From Alice:

Why?

From Regan:

BECAUSE THEY ARE EXPENSIVE TO REPLACE!

From Jasper:

So why does my phone have a 50p price tag still on it?

From Regan:

That was the exception.

From Bella:

Yeah, and why does my phone ha-

( _This phone has been destroyed by Reganmacneil. Sorry for the inconvenience.)_

From Regan:

Anybody else want to comment on their price tags?

From Jessie J:

Yes.

From Alice:

OMG! JESSIE J IS IN OUR HOUSE!

From Regan:

GO AWAY! YOU ARE NOT WANTED HERE!

From Anna:

_*shoos invading popstar away_*

From Bella:

OMG I HAVE AN IPHONE!

From Edward:

OMG ME TOO!

From Rosalie:

errr, you do realise that they are just old samsung from years ago with Iphone painted on, right?

From Regan:

Rosalie, shut up and get in the exam room.

From Anna:

Right! Register!

Edward!

From Edward:

Here!

From Anna:

Rosalie!

From Rosalie:

YES MISS ANNA!

From Anna:

Are you being cheeky?

From Rosalie:

No, Miss Anna.

From Anna:

Alice!

From Bella:

Alice has refused to participate in exams.

From Alice:

YOU LIAR LIAR!

From Emmett:

Umm, Bella was naughty Miss Anna!

From Anna:

What do you say to Alice, Bella?

From Bella:

Sorry Alice.

From Anna:

Now give her a sorry hug.

From Alice:

EWWW NO WAY!

From Bella:

YUCK!

From Anna:

SORRY HUG NOW OR I WILL FEED YOU TO THE PANDAS!

From Emmett:

PANDAS! NOOOOOOO! _* runs screaming out of exam room*_

From Anna:

CATCH THAT VAMPIRE!

From Jasper:

No. I'm a pacifist.

From Rosalie:

HIPPY!

From Bella:

FEED HIM TO THE PANDAS!

From Emmett:

PANDAS! ... _*cowers in corner*_

From Rosalie:

What the hell?

From Edward:

I believe that he has gone into wibble mode.

From Alice:

This leaves us with only one option.

From Bella:

FEED HIM TO THE PANDAS!

From Emmett:

WIBBLEWIBBLEWIBBLEWIBBLE!

From Rosalie:

Bella!

From Bella:

What? It's catchy.

From Anna:

Now i understand what teachers have to go through every single day. I pity them. And i'm glad i'm not a teacher YAY!

From Alice:

WE MUST PERFORM EMMETT THERAPY IMMEDIATELY!

From Emmett:

NO! I mean, i'm definitely not scared of pandas anymore.

From Bella:

Really?

From Emmett:

Would i lie to you?

From Bella:

FEED HIM TO THE PANDAS!

From Emmett:

_* runs away to Timbuctoo*_

From Regan:

Right, sorry folks but this chapter is experiencing technical problems at the moment.

From Edward:

Which has nothing to do with Emmett wibbling constantly or Alice trying to perform therapy or Bella yelling about pandas honest!

From Regan:

GO AWAY! YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE CATCHING EMMETT!

From Edward:

FINE!

From Regan:

So basically instead my new co-author shall make a little speech.

From Anna:

I just want to say that twilight texting means a lot to me, and i just want to tell you something about what we do. Every chapter may look like it is written randomly as Regan goes along but actually each chapter is planned out carefully. A lot of thought is put into the careful construction of each and every one. But its not just thought that goes into each one. Its love and care. Thankyou.

From Regan:

err, Anna, you do realise that what you just said was all complete and utter rubbish, right?

From Anna:

Yes, but they don't know that idiot!

From Regan:

DON'T CALL ME AN IDIOT! *_hits Anna with poker*_

From Anna:

HOW DARE YOU! _*hits Regan with poker*_

From Regan:

POKERFACE!

From Anna:

POKERFACE!

From Alice:

COPYRIGHT!

BAD PEOPLE!


	40. AN OMG FORUM!

From Regan:

URGENT AUTHORS NOTE!

The Official Twilight Texting Forum is up!

From Anna:

YAY!

From Regan:

Basically, it will include things like previews, developments, famous Twilight Texting Quotes and even quizzes. Sometimes there will even be competitions!

From Edward:

OOOOOOOOO!

From Regan:

Go away. This does not concern you.

From Alice:

OMG HI MY FANS!

From Anna:

POKERFACE!

From Alice:

COPYRIGHT!

From Bella:

I would just like to take this moment to point out the abuse and low pay we all have to endure to participate in this story.

From Regan:

WHAT ABUSE? I TAKE THAT AS AN INSULT!

From Anna:

POKERFACE POKERFACE!

From Alice:

COPYRIGHT COPYRIGHT!

From Rosalie:

EMMY BEAR WHERE ARE YOU!

From Emmett:

PANDAS! NOOOOO!

From Regan:

I'd better go now...

From Jasper:

Being a pacifist under these conditions is so hard.

From Bella:

FEED THE HIPPY TO THE PANDAS ALREADY!

From Emmett:

ARGHARGHARGH NOOOOOOOOOO...


	41. Carazy CoAuthorsTHE EMOS ARE BACK HIDE

From Regan:

CELEBRATION!

From Anna:

40 CHAPTERS MARK PASSED!

From Rosalie:

YES! NO EXAMS THIS CHAPTER!

From Regan:

You wish.

From Emmett:

WHAT! 40 CHAPTERS CELEBRATION AND WE HAVE TO DO EXAMS?

From Rosalie:

EMMETT OMG YOUR BACK!

From Bella:

FEED HIM TO THE PANDAS!

From Alice:

EMMETT THERAPY!

From Emmett:

AHHHHHHHHHHH! _*runs away to Timbuctoo again*_

From Rosalie:

Would you please stop scaring my husband away?

From Bella:

FEED HER TO THE PANDAS!

From Anna:

I wish i never mentioned the pandas.

From Jasper:

Yo, wazzup my bee-hops?

From Alice:

...

From Jasper:

How r u jizzle-jazzling hotshot?

From Alice:

...

From Jasper:

Wazzup wiv da dots darlin?

From Alice:

_*runs away to Timbuctoo*_

From Anna:

OMG WHAT IS IT WITH YOU STUPID VAMPIRES AND TIMBUCTOO?

From Edward:

What the hell is going on?

From Jasper:

I dont have a jiggle, bro man.

From Edward:

_*runs away to Timbuctoo*_

From Jasper:

Anna my coolio friend, u have a jiggle y my hotshot is in Timbuc land?

From Anna:

...?

BELLA FEED HIM TO THE PANDAS!

From Bella:

FEED HIM TO THE PANDAS!

From Jasper:

No sissio, its bad vibes to let the pandys have a nibble at me.

From Bella:

I'LL SAVE YOU FROM HIM MY BLACK AND WHITE CHILDREN!

_*runs away to Timbuctoo with the pandas*_

From Regan:

JASPER SHUT UP!

From Jasper:

KK, mizza bozz.

From Regan:

...

From Rosalie:

Where is everybody?

From Jasper:

Aha, Rosie my sissio, how r u jiggling 2day?

From Rosalie:

AHHHHHH! _*runs away to Timbuctoo with the others*_

From Regan:

ANNA!

From Anna:

IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT WAS JASPER!

From Jasper:

U say my title, coolio girl?

From Regan:

Right, Anna, we need to do several things.

From Anna:

I have a notepad at the ready.

From Regan:

O.k, first we need the Twilight Texting Madness Private jet, then we need to hire a cage from the zoo, then we need to make sure that we lock all of the doors and windows and lastly we will need the Emergency Retrieval Kit.

From Jasper:

Wazz da cage 4, Bozza?

From Regan:

You. Oh yeah, and i'll pick up some cellotape on the way to the jet to Neutralize the Jasper Threat.

From Anna:

How many layers over his mouth?

From Regan:

Put it all on, that should shut him up for at least an hour.

From Anna:

Note to people reading this: the flight to Timbuctoo may take some time so we will take an intermission.

From Regan:

OMG OUR FIRST INTERMISSION YES!

From Jasper:

I CAN STILL TEXT EVEN WITH STUFF ON MY MOUTH!

From Regan:

Oh crap, i forgot about that.

From Anna:

I'll freeze his thumbs.

From Regan:

Why are the celebrations always ruined by Jasper?

From Anna:

That's a good question.

From Regan:

So yeah.

Uno anyone?

From Anna:

No. Uno is boring.

From Regan:

OMG YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!

From Anna:

Yep.

From Regan:

_*throws waste paper at Anna*_

From Anna:

YOU EVIL-THING! _*throws paper back*_

From Regan:

PAPERFACE!

From Anna:

*_steals Uno cards and holds them over bin*_

From Regan:

_*threatens to pull Anna's hair*_

From Anna:

_*drops Uno cards*_

From Regan:

_*pulls hair*_

From Anna:

POOHEAD!

From Regan:

CARD STEALER!

From Anna:

BITCH!

From Regan:

STUPID HEAD!

From Alice:

OMG RUN THEIR HERE TO TAKE US BACK!

From Edward:

Err, why are they killing eachother?

From Regan:

Alice, i'm going to need your poker.

From Anna:

NO FAIR!

From Regan:

POKERFACE!

From Alice:

GIVE IT BACK!

From Emmett:

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

From Bella:

Emmett!

FEED HIM TO THE PANDAS!

From Regan:

FEED ANNA TO THE PANDAS!

From Anna:

FEED REGAN TO THE PANDAS!

From Emmett:

Pandas-terrifying-run-away-nervous-breakdown

From Rosalie:

OMG STOP MENTIONING THE STUPID PANDAS!

From Regan:

DIE ANNA DIE!

From Anna:

YOU SUCK!

From Edward:

Why are you hitting eachother with pokers, may i ask?

From Regan:

Correction, i'm hitting Anna with a poker and she is failing at life.

From Anna:

You're the one that fails hair puller!

From Alice:

GIVE ME MY POKER BACK NOOOOOOW!

From Regan:

POKERFACE!

From Alice:

NOOOOOOOW!

From Rosalie:

Look, we obviously need to sort this out.

From Emmett:

Now who started it?

From Regan:

ANNA!

From Anna;

REGAN!

From Rosalie:

Emmett you know nothing about resolving conflict so go away!

From Emmett:

I AM AMAZING AT SOLVING CONFLICT!

From Edward:

ME TOO!

From Bella:

No, you fail Edward.

From Edward:

MEANY POO!

From Bella:

I'LL FEED YOU TO THE PANDAS!

From Emmett:

NOOOOOO! ROSE PLEASE!

From Rosalie:

Leave him alone.

From Emmett:

Thankyou. Now, who started it again?

From Anna:

REGAN!

From Regan:

ANNA!

From Rosalie:

...

From Bella:

Pandas?

From Rosalie:

Yes.

From Emmett:

NOOOOOO wibblewibble...

From Rosalie:

Now, we are going to resolve this nice and calmly. Say sorry Anna.

From Anna:

Why do i have to go first?

MAKE HER GO FIRST!

From Regan:

YOU CHUCKED MY UNO CARDS IN THE BIN!

From Anna:

YOU PULLED MY HAIR!

From Regan:

I DID NOT!

From Anna:

DID TOO!

From Alice:

GIVE-ME-MY-POKER-BACK!

From Edward:

Err, i think you should give Alice her poker back guys.

From Anna:

STAY OUT OF THIS EDWARD IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND YOUR EMO-NESS!

From Edward:

YOU HATE ME! *_attempts to cut arms and legs off*_

From Bella:

EMO ALERT!

From Alice:

OMG I NEED TO KILL THE EMO!

GIVE-ME-MY-POKER-WAAAAAA!

From Rosalie:

OMG GIVE HER THE POKER BACK YOU FOOLS!

From Regan:

NOT UNTIL ANNA APOLOGIZES!

From Anna:

NUH UH YOU!

From Edward:

The world hates me...

From Rosalie:

APOLOGIZE NOW WE ARE ALL IN GRAVE DANGER!

From Anna:

Fine! I'm sorry for chucking your Uno cards in the bin.

From Regan:

And i'm sorry for pulling your hair.

From Anna:

Thankyou.

From Regan:

Even though i didn't.

From Anna:

OMG DIE DIE!

From Regan:

POKERFACE!

From Edward:

Oh my life is so sad, i just wanna diiiiiiie _*tries to decapitate self*_

From Alice:

GIVE ME THE POKER!

From Bella:

IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE!

From Regan:

O.K.

From Alice:

POKERFACE EMO!

From Edward:

Noooooooo...

From Alice:

POKERFACE!

From Edward:

JBKJDBHJBFWEBFWEB-(_This phone has now been destroyed by Alice Cullen. Sorry for the inconvenience)_

From Rosalie:

Thank god. Now, we have all learnt a very good lesson today, haven't we?

From Anna:

Yes, we have.

From Rosalie:

We have learnt that teamwork is the key and we must all live in harmony.

From Anna:

No, we have learnt that Regan is stupid.

From Rosalie:

But Regan had learnt not to rise to this sort of behaviour, haven't you Regan?

From Regan:

DIE BITCH DIE!

From Anna:

SUCKER!

From Regan:

POO FACE!

From Edward:

And they say that we're the crazy ones.

**Lol, real life experience in here. No seriously, me and Anna started throwing bits of paper at eachother today at school, and then she dropped my folder in the bin and i pulled her hair. Then we spent the next five minutes trying to lock eachother out of the classroom and stealing eachothers bags. Fun times.**


End file.
